Live-in carer - am I expecting too much?

[NetZeroZealot]

Elderly DPs (87 & 90), one recently diagnosed mild Alzheimer's, the other very frail & also prone to confusion / extreme forgetfulness.

They are lucky enough to have savings and a large house with a separate annex and as my sister & I live 1 & 2 hours away respectively & their needs have increased we decided a live-in carer was the best option starting in January. It was a job persuading them but after Mum had a couple of falls & a hospital admission they agreed ...

What the agencies promised and what has been delivered are miles apart!

As continuity is very important, we asked for a long-term carer to work a 5-day week - family can cover the other 2 days. Carer is free to do what they want at weekends and has the privacy of their own self-contained accommodation with TV, kitchen etc. I spoke to a few agencies and settled on a well-known, long-established company who promised (as they all do!) to carefully match the carer to DP's needs and offer us a choice of people, and importantly, came to meet my DP rather than relying on form filling.

In reality we were not offered any choice & had to accept the carers offered as the agency only found someone 2 days before the start dates. Only 3 months in we are now on carer number 3. The first did not drive which was a pre-requisite of the job; the second clearly did not like living far from home / in a semi-rural area and left of her own accord; and we now have number 3 who is OK. But not great.

Although the agency says they have checked references, they do not share the references with clients, but cherry pick quotes from them. DBS checks are a given.

All the carers have been competent and likeable and my DP have adjusted, but they found the unanticipated changeover between them very stressful, as I knew they would.

Meal planning is part of the care plan but the current carer seems to struggle with this - on my visits I still have to throw out bad food, or chuck stuff in the freezer which is on its last day when it should have been frozen the day the food delivery arrived, etc. This was a major problem with my Mum before & I feel the carer should be managing this better.

She also keeps asking me to buy stuff for them / the house which I don't think is needed or she could easily pop out & buy for them. And many other minor niggles - now I write it down it all seems a bit trivial.

They are paying a lot of money for this, and although it is reassuring to know there is someone there to deal with issues when they occur (which they do) I expected more. But perhaps I was being naive?

Sorry this is so long, anyone else got useful insights to share?

I think you have an incorrect appreciation of the number of people on the books of an agency. Carers get maybe 11, 12, 15 pounds an hour through an agency. Tesco pays 12. A self employed cleaner charges 25.

Agencies have v few staff 'available'... The good ones are already in work, there are barely any 'waiting in the wings' as these are generally poorer people who need an income now, not next week or month. Tesco doesn't say come this week, then you 'aren't a great fit' the next.

It's hard work with poor job security.

The walks argument is silly. If a carer already lives somewhere nice, having nice walks where they work doesn't add much to their life.

Agree ,this is a huge responsibility for one person. It just takes one fall for everything to go tits up . It’s also mentally exhausting and when does the carer actually switch off ?

Recruit yourself, you'll find more people and get more for your money (nearly 50% goes to the agency here, not the carer).

My agency were terrible. I got sent lots of applicants who couldn't drive also.

Advertise on local fb pages, nextdoor app, the job centre.
I wanted someone who shared interests, so i posted on local vegetarian pages, cat rescues, craft pages, local charities, etc. Ask friends to share. Always found someone who was a good fit.

This…. also your point in the agency has not sent people appropriate for the role who appreciate the benefits of being in the countryside.
did you mean that to come across as “don’t they know how lucky they are to work for us here!!”

I agree they need a team of carers but suggesting OP organises that herself is not realistic - you need the agency to manage the shifts including cover for illness and holidays.

I think if they are doing everything else well, you should be qble to manage the fridge/freezer at weekends when you are there. It's quite a lot to be in charge of 2 people and cook all the food and I'm guessing laundry, etc. Maybe she can order things online.

My point in the OP was that the agency has not sent people appropriate for the role who appreciate the benefits of being in the countryside.

Sorry but this is an absolutely bonkers take.

The agency can send you someone they have available and who wants to do the work - given it's care work, and live in, this is going to be very very few people, possibly just one or two.

In fairness it's not the worst take I've ever heard which was a family proclaiming that they would need a live in carer who liked dogs and was good at sailing.

Unless there is something especially appealing about your job in terms of location, money, facilities and probably all three, you are not going to have choice about who you get.

The references we saw were all personal after going back to source and 'checking them' . These are written by the deceased persons/person who has moved into a home's children, the ones with power of attorney, who did all the logistics. They weren't following professional standards with the reference, they wrote as they saw fit... And after being fleeced hundreds of thousands by the agency, often mentioned 'personal' things which the agency would rather hide... Smoking, drinking, partners, all sorts...

Social media these days means you can find just about anyone if you know the referees name and can roughly work out their age.

I think this ‘set up’ that has been arranged for your parents is unsafe . Expectations unrealistic,poor pay and where is the safety net for when something goes wrong?
If they were in a care home you wouldn’t be getting much change out of £4000 per week for both of them .

Rubbish! This quite literally is what my line of work is! Every single client I have has a team of carers that have been recruited by the families. Some of the teams I ‘head up’ and somewhat organise on behalf of the family but most manage themselves. It’s perfectly normal

Hi OP, wanted to thank you for posting. You've done what I would have - explained to an agency what is needed and gone with their recommendations. How on earth could you know what would have been right?

It sounds like your parents lived alone until recently and would have been happy to remain alone, so it's not unreasonable that you believe a carer would not need to do very much.

Have you spoken with adult social services? My friends parents have similar needs, her parents are wealthy and she got social services in to advise what was needed even though they wouldn't fund it, which they seemed happy to do.

If you do think your parents only need certain tasks doing I think you'd be better looking for someone local to come in at set times. If they do need someone on call round the clock then full time live in carers, some form of supported accommodation or moving them closer to family will be needed.

Would you be better recruiting a housekeeper and then paying for daily carer visits to manage bathing etc?

Not in UK but we had private carers for my mother. Not live in but eventually it was 24/7 hours so two 12 hour shifts and there was a bedroom they could nap in overnight. They were brilliant. We are still in touch with one of them 13 years after the death of my mother. They took excellent care of her and we have absolutely no complaints. Of course it cost a lot, as much as a good care home (or more) would have but my mother wanted to be at home and my father would have wanted her happy. She could afford it. Sure it ate into our inheritance but it did remove a lot of the burden of care from us, it really was the best thing for her. I have no idea how they found them but once you get a good one they recommend colleagues as there’s a network.

And I quite literally have experience of elderly relatives with teams of carers. I have experience of managing them myself and of agencies running the team. It can work ok if you have 1 head carer managing the few or you have a family member who has enough time but it’s time-consuming - and I did not have time on top of FT work and family.

Having a team of carers might be more sustainable. Most care agencies will be used to providing care in supported living homes where they will have a small team rotating. They will do handovers and have clear record keeping to make sure things run smoothly. They can play to each other's strengths so one could be doing batch cooking, one may be better managing night shifts, one may be good getting them out in the community. Most carers have families of their own and won't take up a live in role. Working as a live in single carer can also be very lonely and isolating leading to high turn over.

You not having capacity to manage your elderly relatives care team does not mean that others can’t manage theirs!
I have been doing this for 16 years. Once a team is set up it usually runs very well. Sickness is rare as frankly none of can afford to be sick - we get paid for what we work. Holidays are managed within the teams by talking and communicating effectively. Usually using WhatsApp groups and giving plenty of notice of holidays etc. It works extremely well and is not challenging for families to handle.

That’s sounds an awful lot for one person to manage, for 5 days in a row with no proper break.

I used to do that job ,age 17/18 I was a live in carer for various elderly people.
Then again in my uni holidays I did the job again.
I was vegan and had to cook meat ..but other than that I absolutely loved the job.
Used to push this lady for miles in her wheelchair,
Sadly though the company I was employed through were a nightmare
Age 18 you don't always think about training ,but I wasn't given any
So trying to lift this lady out of the bath and of the toilet was tricky without proper training.
But we had an absolute blast together,her stories of her life were amazing 😍
Hope you find someone suitable op .fingers crossed the next one shapes up

I have issues with my MIL and dates on food, 90 years old. I appreciate the make do and mend mentality of their generation but she doesn’t understand the danger of food poisoning from a week out of date quiche, which could be fatal at her age.

OH really - well they may as well go to the Ritz Hotel instead then!!

I think you need to employ someone yourself for this rather than an agency, two people would be better and as they don’t require any support overnight I would take the accommodation part off the table and try and get someone to cover early mornings to mid afternoon and then another mid afternoon to bedtime.
Family members had to the same before my Auntie went into a home with dementia.
They kept her at home as long as possible until it was unsafe/unfeasible to do so.
I would be keeping the annexe free for family use and trying to do some sort of rota so that a family member can stay as often as possible if the aim is to keep them in their own home.

I would appreciate it if you would stop being rude in a silly way.

It’s nonsense that carers don’t get ill or take holidays and need cover that other team members cannot manage. And with the nature of care work inevitably you have people moving away or taking other jobs, needing to find a replacement, particularly in London. That takes time - interviewing people, inducting them, keeping an eye on them to see their proficiency level etc. Agencies require carers to provide detailed notes of each visit which I required of my carers - and that data needs attention too.

As a highly educated professional who runs their own business and is used to managing teams, I assure I can manage a team by WhatsApp, I just don’t want to.

Totally agree with this. I had carers for my parents and the agency ones were awful, ended up recruiting via Indeed and getting self employed carers who were 10x better

Good for you - you don’t want to! Thats not the same as not being able to. It is perfectly manageable for the vast majority of people.
As I say I have been doing so for 16 years!!!! I also successfully run multiple other strings to my business.

Your limits are your limits - nobody else’s!

Are you in surrey by any chance, perhaps I could recommend some care providers
I have lots of clients who have live in carers (Mobile foot health practitioner)

Many are middle aged women from south Africa, I find them fantastic.

Another option
Could you seek out an independent person ? Do all the checks and interviewing yourself ? You could then pay them better as all the fees would not be absorbed by the agency.