Increasingly quiet DM

[HTruffle]

I’m not even sure where to begin with our situation. My mum exhibits every sign of moderate dementia and it seems to be progressing rapidly. Her short term memory is non existent. She was told last month that a mark on her skin is likely (easily treatable) skin cancer and within an hour she had forgotten.
We have been referred to the memory clinic but despite scoring very poorly on all aspects of the test, she was not offered a diagnosis. This is because she is also a heavy drinker.

I have recently managed to get her a home helper who does some cleaning but mum frequently tells me she ‘manages’. In fact, what is beginning to strike me is that she doesn’t do anything at all. She seems to watch tv but doesn’t know what she’s watching. She likes us to visit, as we do multiple times per week, and I take her out once or twice a week too.

What is particularly noticeable this past month or so is that she seems to be increasingly ‘empty’, for want of a better word. She really struggles to follow any conversation, so I keep things very straightforward, but she doesn’t seem to have anything to say any more. She really just sticks to the weather and commenting on eg nearby flowers. I find this really hard, as it’s like she’s there, but not there.

I havent really got a specific question, but just looking for moral support I guess. Owing to her being quite negative and always avoiding any social events, she doesn’t have a support network beyond me which is quite claustrophobic.

If she doesn’t do anything, see anyone or go anywhere, then she likely doesn’t have much to talk about I suppose.
Is there a social prescriber attached to her GP practice? They can suggest local things such as lunch groups or something, if she’d attend.

There are also volunteers who call or do face to face visits to people, would that be an option? Just to have someone else to talk to her, it might give you a break.

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/services/befriending-services/

MIL was like this though,she was also a drinker. She was just vacant most of the time when she got to the point of needing a care home, whereas she used to like puzzles, watching TV, had a little dog, used to like the garden etc, she just did less and less and got to the point she would just sit and look vacantly at the tv, or would just sit and smile. Terribly sad. Do you have support, or do you have to deal with this alone?

You aren't alone here. My mother became a grandmother for the first time about a year and a half ago.... Mid 70s. She's always lived a long way away, 400 miles of largely motorways, bit the last few visits before the birth something just wasn't right. She spent hour after hour sitting in a chair in the sun room, looking at the same plants, hedges and fence... That's it. Just a fence mostly, which goes all round her house. She was happy with that.

When the baby was born there was a bit.. A small 'bit' of interest, but not a lot. Certainly no desire to get on a train or find another way to visit. Since then, it's been a few phone calls chatting about her neighbours, her garden, but not much else really. She hasn't met her grandchild, the concept of leaving her sunroom and having to change her routine proving one that she just can't deal with. I know she thinks that it 'won't be long' before the grandchild can 'pop over', but all concept of time, logistics and so on have really gone.

I think the word vacant is very apt. She means well, can hold a conversation, has friends, but her life is very small and in a strange way, the fence is a comfort from everything *out there' that she can't or doesn't want to deal with any more. Ten years ago a grandchild would have brought joy, fun, life to her...well, life. Now, it's all a bit 'too late'. She lives in 1996. Better days. But without realising the grandchild she'd have loved having then, is here now from 2024....

Hello OP
Come and join us on THIS thread.

There's a type of dementia that's related to alcohol consumption, which is called alcohol induced dementia, or Korsakoff syndrome, which is different to Alzheimer's but shares some characteristics, it may be worth discussing this with your mum's GP if this is a possibility. I had a lady in the care home where I worked who had this and she was still quite young compared to the other residents.

Thank you all for replying and for the link to the other thread, @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne, I will have a look. I could certainly do with a community, as it’s very lonely and hard. I do have a sibling, but due to the fact that my mum did not have hobbies or friends particularly - through choice, as she largely finds fault with most people - there are very few people involved now.
Thanks for the info on Korsakoff, @Lightuptheroom. Our plan is to go back to the GP to raise this as a possibility, but we are waiting to get this round of appointments relating to the skin lesion sorted first then do that, so it’s not as overwhelming. Hopefully next month.
That sounds really hard @Diamond7272. I continually expect my mum to react to things like she would once have done, then remember that she doesn’t with surprise each time. It sounds awful, but it’s like there’s no-one there. It’s also very hard watching my kids try, or more recently not even try, to have a conversation with her, knowing that they don’t get a reaction. I’m unsure how to deal with that.