Mum now around 60 hours into active dying

[thismuchistrue]

Just that. I never expected it to take this long. Just watching and waiting feels torturous at the moment.

@thismuchistrue sending hugs. Being there for your mum is all you can do. What a lovely daughter you are. X

@OrdinaryGirl thank you for that link. Me and my DH have just watched it. Cried our eyes out, but feel a bit better now. My DF is in pre-active phase ( who knew there were different phases!) of terminal cancer. Knowledge is good x

@thismuchistrue i'm so sorry

I was going to ask about the breathing

My dad had that for a few days and they kept denying it! And people keep talking about it like it's the end, but I'm afraid it wasn't for him.

Once again, I am really sorry for what you're going through 💐

Have you actually told her she can go ?
Hardest thing I ever said to my mum, I told her we had all been and all said what we needed to and we loved her, and she could go and rest now. She took her last breath about ten mins later.
Apparently people do need permission, and this is a known thing.

Yes, we have.

Sending you many sympathies OP - it's such a hard thing to do. My mum took 3 days and my MIL was about a week - I was in so much shock with mum as she'd been misdiagnosed by her awful GP, so didn't think to tell her all the things I wished I had. The fact you're with her with be so comforting to her, even though it's heartbreaking for you

The hardest of days, my heart goes out to you. X

I lost my dad almost a week ago. We were called to the hospital and he lasted another 2 days. Big hug x

It is so very hard, keep telling her you will all be okay.
Sending hugs

So sorry to hear you are going through this. From a different viewpoint, my Dad passed away in the night, when we went home to sleep. Only the day before he had been talking and drinking, and I will forever regret that he was alone. We were close to the hospital and had been told we'd get called when it was time so thought we could grab some rest. If I had my time back we'd have tag teamed and made sure he was never alone. So give her lots of hugs and company. It's really hard 💐

My Dad was 5 days and it was accelerated by a sympathetic GP. Seek some counselling for afterwards as I had terrible nightmares for weeks after due to my 4 nights of sitting there. Sorry it's horrible. It shouldn't have to be like this.

I was just about to recommend the Fi and Jane ‘Fortunately’ podcast with Dr Kathryn Mannix which can be found under resources here too: https://www.kathrynmannix.com/podcasts/

So sorry you are going through this Op. Sending strength 💐

@DiscoBeat I just wanted to tell you that me and my siblings were with my dad at the hospice for almost a week and he died literally at the one moment when we were changing shifts as it were and he went at the only time one group of us had left and another was arriving. It was the only time in in six days when there had been a gap due to the car having an issue en route. The staff said not to feel badly about it as this is incredibly common - too common for it to be a coincidence - and often patients choose to go in privacy. So although I completely understand why you feel so upset about the circumstances of your dad’s death, I just want you to know that even if you had tagged-teamed the outcome may have been the same. He knew he was loved 💐

Yes, unfortunately it can take a while. It took my Mum rather longer than we expected. It was mentioned in the eulogy that punctuality was never her strong suit which made us smile despite the grief.

How very true that is. It happens so much eg, when somebody pops to the toilet or goes home for a sleep when they've been there for days. They choose a time when they can let go.
I had been with my dear dad for hours, all through the night. He had the death rattle, unable to open eyes etc, but he hung on; they had even called us in there thinking it was imminent because of this rattle starting and how his limbs werent moving at all. We got there, and he was trying to lift his head, trying to wake up, among other things that are too upsetting to talk about. I still cannot believe the strength he had. The nurse believed it would probably be a day or more now as he hadn't cobtinue to deteriorate, and she told us to go home for a sleep. Little did I know he would die 3 hours later; I missed it! The nurse said vitals just dropped; he just rapidly deteriorated. I was in my 30s with young dcs and I think he couldn't let go while I was there; he would have been frustrated with me for the long time I was there, thinking, "get home to my grandchildren love!"

I missed my dad die too, you may have seen above. Honestly, my biggest regret is leaving that hospital room instead of just nodding off in the chair. I think they didn't want us there @DiscoBeat
Your voices would have been echoing in his his mind and in his dreams, you were with him. I like to think people dream or hallucinate memories and are so immersed in them they become their reality, and that they are surrounded by family dead and alive. 💐

From everything I've read it is quite common for people to slip away when relatives have popped out for a short time. Some people just want to space to go.

My dad slipped away too.I left the hospital, drove home to change and take a shower (I’d been at his bedside for 18 hours and awake/travelling for about 30 - I had flown in from another country). I arrived at my mother’s - a 10 minute drive from the hospital, and the nurse told me he had died. I felt (and still feel) so guilty but she said it was very common, and is exactly the sort of thing my dad would have done. He hated a fuss and he hated seeing us upset.

Sending you a hand hold, OP. It is the hardest time x

My 92 year old father took 17 days last April

Sometimes I think people need to be alone to pass on. Hard for you though x

My Dad took just over 10 days like this, like a PP I had to have counselling after it was so frightening to watch. Even the palliative care Consultant couldn't believe he was still going - and it was exhausting sitting there for day after day. He just wasn't ready to go. In the end, I left to get a break and they rang me 10 minutes after I'd left to say he'd died. Broke my heart thinking he was alone, but knowing Dad, that was exactly how he wanted to leave this world. It's a long steady and slow process sometimes, OP, and the body reacts in some funny old ways. I hope your Mum has a peaceful journey

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and to u all on this chat . My lovely mam had dementia and for the last 6 days she was in a deep sleep we will all terrified to leave her and I went home to get chsnged my brother rang 10 mins later to say her breathing had changed so flew back Dwn to her house and she passed 10 mins later with us all there and dad had an end of life injection on the Sunday as he had had a seizure and he passed away 10 hours later again with us all there . Heartbreaking 💔 but I am so glad we were all able to be there . Stay strong and love to u all 🫶

Sending a hand hold to everyone who has posted and my thoughts are with @thismuchistrue . Your mum will know you are there, but you must also take care of yourself and accept all the love and support you have both now and in the months to come. My mum died at home 14 months ago. I can totally relate to the other posters' experiences which is such a comfort. My mum had excellent care in the form of carers and the palliative team, but she chose to go when both my sister and myself were out of the room.
Looking back I had no idea that active dying is a process and very much a taboo subject
I now compare it to being in labour but in reverse. A strange idea I know but it's how I somehow process it.
Take care 💐

I was with my Mum when she died but my brother had gone home to shower and change. Mum had said previously that she didn't want him to find her as they'd lived in the same property for years so it felt appropriate that she'd waited for him to leave.

Everyone around us were so helpful and caring, I hope you have lots of support too.

I’m very sorry OP, I was there with my mum in this position last week. What I would say is that the actual end came slightly unexpectedly, having expected it for some time. She seemed to be breathing relatively ok and then something just switched - quite quickly I noticed breaths became very spaced and minutes later she was gone. Sorry.

Sorry to hear about your Mum. I hope she is able to slip away soon and that all are able to be at rest and peaceful.

I'm not sure about my Dad - was he very weak or was he actively dying? We knew the end was near - he'd been announcing it - but not exactly when. It's not a science.

In the run up to this there had been upset about a DNR notice a few months previous to his final days. - We (my brother and I) did not have any issues with it. His illnesses had varied in their intensity and effects upon his life, any of them could have taken him.

We, (me, my brother + Mum) had been sitting with him day and night for quite some days in his final fortnight. In shifts, me mainly at weekends. He slept a lot of the time, spoke briefly at others. He'd given up eating and drinking some days before but we kept his lips and mouth wet.

I lived a couple of hours away and was still working. He'd announced his imminent death several times over his last couple of weeks, and I'd dropped everything to go over only to find that he was much the same; poorly, weak, declining but still going.

My brother and I decided that we couldn't carry on like this and he would call me if he was actually going. We had also decided CPR was out of the question and its violence would have been cruel to a dying 87 year old man, similarly we weren't going to call 999. We had assistance from a home hospice if we needed more help.

Eventually he slipped away quite quickly, quite peacefully with my brother and Mum with him. My brother called me and I went across.

It's a hard time with different pressures and emotions present on the run up to the death and different ones afterwards.

Everyone is different - both the dying and those left behind.

My mum was gone in around 6 hours from being very sleepy to her breathing changing to gone, but she hadn't eaten for weeks & was drinking very little. How she lasted so long we will never know.