To hate my father so much it’s making me unwell.

[Mysterydragon]

My father is a deeply unpleasant man unkind ,cruel and mean beyond belief. He mistreated myself and my siblings with cruel taunts some sexual as children leading to us all leaving home extremely early and one of us having an early death due to trauma related substance abuse ( Sadly he took pleasure in this and was insistent on us personally clearing their property - he repeatedly stole from the property ,stuff is still turning up in his home years later despite their being relatives these items belonged to by inheritance ).
He physically and verbally abused my mother in her final years to the extent when she was in a care home he was asked not to visit by the staff - she was financially abused by him for years , this came to light while sorting her estate she was paying all the bills down to papers and milk even during the last few months whilst in residential care. He inherited her entire estate -knew he was going to and proudly says it was always all mine anyway and has since systematically sold anything of value ,denied anything to anyone despite her wishes being otherwise,I’m talking small keepsakes nothing worth anything. Physically abused my sister when she tried to take an unworn pair of shoes to give to a recent dv relocated lady. I have grown to hate this man so much it is now severely affecting my mental health but am unable to cut contact due to the fact he lives in a property half in trust for myself and sisters and sadly I am trustee .He has to be forced to insure the property and it is now falling into severe disrepair due to his meanness and blatant refusal to do even basis maintenance.He uses community fridges taking everything he can everytime he passes and scrounge’s food from old lady’s from church despite being extremely wealthy. Does anyone have any idea how the hell I can deal with this monster before I finally lose my mind and have a breakdown due to to constant barrage of taunts about how he’s given all our mothers money ( it was a significant amount) to charities just so we can’t have it as “punishment” for the house not being realisable. It’s so very hurtful as she trusted him to do the right thing and pass her considerable wealth (mostly inherited ) on to her children as she wanted after his death but was coerced into making him sole heir and the glee he gives it away with is soul destroying. How do you move past this ?do we just wait for the revolting old toad to die I’m not alone in feeling hurt and sad my siblings and their children are also suffering he says terrible things about all of us to anyone who will listen and has been the cause of much distress to many of us. I’m at the point I want to walk away but feel so trapped. It’s not about money I own a home and have no financial problems ,my siblings not so fortunate sadly, it is my intention to gift my share of anything left to my children as I can’t bear the idea them feeling the way that we do. How can I deal with this situation, be kind please I really am emotionally broken right now.

Is it written in the trust that he has the right to live in the house until he dies or goes into a care home?

The trust states he has lifetime use of the property and full financial benefits from it until death.

This is awful, I’m so sorry.

Nothing is worth destroying your mental health over. Walk away and write off any inheritance.

He clearly enjoys holding you all captive for his own pleasure, don’t allow him to win for another day of your life.

Cut him off and be free, take whatever keep sakes you can beforehand to remember your DM by and use those as comfort rather than thinking of the money he has wasted or will waste.

By the time he goes he may have left no money and a house worth next to nothing if it is in disrepair so you will have wasted years and destroyed your mental health for nothing anyway.

If you don't need the house eventually, resign as trustee and walk away

Live the life that your mother would want for yourself.

Take a step back and, if you must still be a trustee, do it from arms length. Use a lawyer as a communicator with your father.
How old is your father?
As soon as he is showing any sign of dementia - make sure you have him assessed.

Have you looked into resigning as trustee OP? There will be ways to do this. You must step right away from him even if there is a financial disadvantage to you or your children.

He is 84 years old ,we attempted to get him assessed last year following the discovery of him rather distastefully faking symptoms to garner sympathy and free domestic support from other elderly relatives. We were told in no uncertain terms he had no signs of mental decline and not to bother his gp again. It was put to them by him we only did this in an attempt to rob him financially. It is beyond our comprehension this was believed as the gp is someone we have had long standing problems with him lying to regarding us neglecting and financially abusing him -an investigation was done by an external agency and very quickly ended when a paper trail disproved his claim. We had hopes then the surgery would get feedback and realise what an awful liar he is unfortunately this appears not to be the case. Sadly we are at a loss as to how to move forward now he is actually showing signs of being senile. It really is brutal being associated with such a horrible human.

I haven’t as I feel obligated to my sisters who are much more in need of assistance financially.

Stop seeing him and taking his calls. I can't understand why you are so enmeshed in his life when you can't stand him. Why are you even hearing him gloating and bragging?

Easy answer for me , walk away forget about any inheritance. Awful man I’m sorry you and your family have endured such emotional torture from a man who should have loved and protected you and your mum. Very sad

Can you had over the trustee job to a solicitor and cut all contact? Then let them handle anything that’s left once he’s dead? No amount of money is worth your mental health and if your siblings need it, let them deal with it instead.

Either get a sibling to take over the trusteeship or go extremely low contact.

Don't do anything to help him health wise. Hopefully he won't live much longer.

I am confused as to why you have anything to do with him.
You surely can remain trustee...and when he dies you can do whatever admin is required.
As trustee for the trust what exactly do you have to do now ?

I would 100% speak for a solicitor about how they could deal with it as trustee. I don’t fully understand why you still have contact? Yes you just need to wait for him to die, but you don’t need to see him. Was it your mums house then?

A life interest trust is usually made on the condition the life tenant (he) maintains the property and insures it to the satisfaction of the trustees (so adequate insurance). So, stop forcing him to insure/maintain. Let him shoot himself in the foot. I’d suggest instructing a private client (dispute resolution) lawyer to write to him once he starts defaulting on his obligations.

im involved in setting up such trusts (I just don’t deal with the process once they are disputed, hence my recommendation above.

Currently I have to ensure the Gardner comes and is paid - the garden is very large and needs weekly attention , he has a consistent record of making any help we arrange leave with his deeply un charming lewd comments and riotously unfunny bigotry , I have combatted this with a seemingly rhino hide/ horribly deaf older male contractor who requires cash in hand and also I oversee more important maintenance is done - this year we have had to organise and oversee a partial rewire due to the old being so dilapidated it was dangerous. I am routinely asked to do domestic chores by him as I am “free” but decline everything now as i owe him nothing. I think my honest answer is sadly I just keep hoping he’ll be nice before he dies ,my partner says it’s Stockholm syndrome I’m never sure if their joking or not.

OP I feel for you, I would physically be unwell when ever I had to visit my parents, especially my dad. He was a total know all and his option was the only one that mattered. He made my mums final years very difficult, he had no sympathy for her until she died.
Regardless of your dad being so vile,
it isn’t easy easy to step back when you have probably been the “fixer” in the family.

I would strongly suggest to get some therapy for helping you deal with you’re thoughts and emotions and yes to off load as you have been and still are being abused by his manipulation. It’s such a lot to deal with regarding mental health and your well being.

With therapy hopefully it help you to put in boundaries and start to not be sucked in to your dads game of him being right all the time . You have endured traumatic abuse all your life, start to take your power back and recognise how you can mentally look afterward yourself.
Please get therapy, it will be hard. But so good to get perspective and clarity of the years this man has been dishonest and just bloody awful.
Good luck and today is the start of taking your power back for having the courage to speak out and be heard .

As has been suggested, get therapy for yourself.

Get legal advice on how to proceed as a trustee to minimise contact whilst complying with your obligations.

As for the garden - other than paying the gardener, what do you actually need to do? How do you get your expenses reimbursed? Or can the garden be left - how essential is it that someone attends to it?

Stop going round there for the gardener. Your sanity is worth more than a tidy garden. Stop all contact.

The garden is huge think acres not feet but I’m sat here now thinking sod it and I’m realising now how foolish I’ve been doing all this let alone paying for the privilege.the more replies I read the more I accept I’m being a complete idiot to myself. The sheer fact that so many people have suggested therapy makes me realise that I need it I think if I’m honest we all do. I’m going to make a commitment to myself to pull away and look into the suggestion of using legal help.

Hi
your dad should meet my mother - we have had a similar childhood and I lost a sibling to substance abuse which the birther was involved in 😞 so I really can understand your emotions.
I have tried all sorts of therapy but nothing has really helped. One counsellor told me I needed to forgive her 🤯 (as she is an alcoholic) so that didn’t last long!
I think part of my issue is that I felt I was to blame somehow but I was also so angry that she is still alive and I felt it was unfair so I have really had to do work on that.
I put her in a care home a several years ago (she couldn’t look after herself and was being found in various places drunk) and walked away as she was just so vicious and nasty and mentally I couldn’t take much more.
I haven’t rtft but is there any option to get him removed at all. Has he ever been charged with anything which legally could have the terms made void? Have you sought legal advice x

This is the best solution. Get him out for violating the terms of the trust. Can you find anything in the paperwork that he has already breached? If not, there is surely a requirement he’s in danger of breaching - step back and let him!

As a last thought, if there is wording about maintaining the property to the satisfaction of the trustees, involved your siblings and get a lawyer to begin the legal steps to get him out. And that probably means no more gardener, and certainly no other kind of practical help from you!

the more replies I read the more I accept I’m being a complete idiot to myself

You are not an idiot, complete or otherwise!

You are a normal human being with the degree of kindness that most of us try to aspire to - but it should be tempered by a solid sense of self-worth and self-preservation, plus a degree of objectivity to be able to distinguish between what is healthy and what isn't.

Which is where therapy can be useful💐

OP just let him ruin the house if he wants to. If there are acres attached your siblings will still get money when it’s eventually sold even if it’s just for the land.

Absolutely this . Some things are more valuable than money . Let him sit in his own filth later and ponder why he has no one around him to care .