To hate my father so much it’s making me unwell.

[Mysterydragon]

My father is a deeply unpleasant man unkind ,cruel and mean beyond belief. He mistreated myself and my siblings with cruel taunts some sexual as children leading to us all leaving home extremely early and one of us having an early death due to trauma related substance abuse ( Sadly he took pleasure in this and was insistent on us personally clearing their property - he repeatedly stole from the property ,stuff is still turning up in his home years later despite their being relatives these items belonged to by inheritance ).
He physically and verbally abused my mother in her final years to the extent when she was in a care home he was asked not to visit by the staff - she was financially abused by him for years , this came to light while sorting her estate she was paying all the bills down to papers and milk even during the last few months whilst in residential care. He inherited her entire estate -knew he was going to and proudly says it was always all mine anyway and has since systematically sold anything of value ,denied anything to anyone despite her wishes being otherwise,I’m talking small keepsakes nothing worth anything. Physically abused my sister when she tried to take an unworn pair of shoes to give to a recent dv relocated lady. I have grown to hate this man so much it is now severely affecting my mental health but am unable to cut contact due to the fact he lives in a property half in trust for myself and sisters and sadly I am trustee .He has to be forced to insure the property and it is now falling into severe disrepair due to his meanness and blatant refusal to do even basis maintenance.He uses community fridges taking everything he can everytime he passes and scrounge’s food from old lady’s from church despite being extremely wealthy. Does anyone have any idea how the hell I can deal with this monster before I finally lose my mind and have a breakdown due to to constant barrage of taunts about how he’s given all our mothers money ( it was a significant amount) to charities just so we can’t have it as “punishment” for the house not being realisable. It’s so very hurtful as she trusted him to do the right thing and pass her considerable wealth (mostly inherited ) on to her children as she wanted after his death but was coerced into making him sole heir and the glee he gives it away with is soul destroying. How do you move past this ?do we just wait for the revolting old toad to die I’m not alone in feeling hurt and sad my siblings and their children are also suffering he says terrible things about all of us to anyone who will listen and has been the cause of much distress to many of us. I’m at the point I want to walk away but feel so trapped. It’s not about money I own a home and have no financial problems ,my siblings not so fortunate sadly, it is my intention to gift my share of anything left to my children as I can’t bear the idea them feeling the way that we do. How can I deal with this situation, be kind please I really am emotionally broken right now.

My Mums will said this with regards to her partner, I have no contact with him at all (although his DD is in touch with me if necessary)

Im sorry it’s such an awful way to loose a sibling isn’t it. My dreadful father ate out for months on the sympathy meal ticket after both deaths . It was quite heartbreaking watching the root cause of all the problem wailing and crying crocodile tears at a funeral we had to arrange and pay for as he refused.I hope for you that you find peace with it all . It will be a cold day in hell when I ever forgive my father I truly hate him for all he is and has ever been. It sickened me every time someone said how sorry they were for his loss of my mother, my only consolation she no longer has to put up with him.My sibling I will never be truly over. I fully acknowledge how unhealthy my feelings are.
He has no convictions we tried as younger children to whistleblow on what was happening at home only to find we had told someone who went directly to him with reports of the “wicked lies” as they attended the same church.
Sadly we live in a very small village with more than its fair share of idiots and my mother was all for appearances so denied being mistreated. even though as an adult I see she was responsible for accepting her lot and never doing anything about what happened it never changes how hard it was to watch.
The silver lining I suppose is there will never be any argument about selling the house as none of us can wait to get rid of it and all its awful memories.

The only way you will be at peace is to accept there will be no inheritance and walk away. Being a ‘trustee’ is a legal term that means some of the value of the house will come to you when he dies.

This let him be the architect of his own downfall. You can instruct a solicitor to deal with it all at arms length. They will write to him but won't cajole/force him to insure etc. So you will be able to evict him eventually. Take advice about how long this needs to go.on for.

You don’t have to do any of this, you’re choosing to do it.

Unfortunately being a lying, manipulative, abusive bastard doesn’t make someone detainable under the mental health act.

There are ways to resign as the sole trustee - I think the best thing you can do is get some legal advice on how to drop the rope that this despicable man tugs on to maintain his control and play his vile little games

People like your father make me understand why humans invented the idea of hell.

Poor OP I am so sorry

See a solicitor. You and your siblings could retire as trustees in favour of solicitors. Mention to them that he doesn’t insure the property.
If he’s arguing with solicitors he won’t get the joy of hurting you so may be more compliant? Just cut contact once you retire as trustee and leave it to the professionals. They have a duty to protect the trust fund so they will have to take up the fight with him if he’s deliberately trying to reduce it. Keep sending evidence of that.

It will cost you more money to try and enforce anything he has to do

Let him get on with it and deal with what's left when he's dead

(I had similar with someone, they died, the house was sold and we walked away)

In fact, it was worth our while to pay for the building insurance as they weren't going to

If there was physical and sexual abuse to you and your siblings then I would go to the police. Just because he's old now, doesn't mean he cant still be investigated. And he bloody well should be. I would also seek legal advice re your mum's will and coercive control.

I’m so sorry op - I really do understand how you feel and it literally ate me up for years. It consumes you doesn’t it? I went through years of being angry the fact she was still alive yet my sister wasn’t.
I think what another poster suggested sounds the best of just letting solicitors deal with it so you don’t have to deal with it. I mean I don’t suppose any of you want to collectively now report him?
I felt like mine always had the upper hand in everything and that was what got to me the injustice of it all I suppose. Everyone fawned over her at my sisters funeral - I wasn’t even mentioned, wasn’t supposed to even attend as she had made it public that I wasn’t welcome. I sat at the back like the black sheep it was like a big drama production for her - but people have seen through it now.
She has definitely got worse over the years - maybe it’s her own guilt eating her up or she is just that ruthless
I truly really feel so sorry for you and your siblings and definitely think you need to remove him and any contact from your life so you can try and move on x

Protect your mental health by stepping back and using a solicitor. That’s the compromise from walking away entirely.

I suggest you get proper legal advice to know what would happen if you stepped back. I'm no expert and I don't know your exact circumstances, but my guess is that you remaining a trustee or resigning in favour of someone else may not change the likely inheritance as much as you are assuming. But even if it does, you can't carry on doing this, OP, it is taking too much of a toll. No doubt your siblings are in need of money, but there may be other ways to help them that do not involve remaining in an abusive situation.

IANAL but I think I would look into remaining a trustee but employing a solicitor and something like a case manager/property manager to deal with the contact for me. They would work for you that way. I’m not too clear about case management but I know two occupational therapists who have gone into that field and they are very knowledgeable and capable. I feel that a private version must exist.

Maybe I’m too financially orientated but I see no reason why you should have to walk away from the remnants of what your mother wanted you all to have, if there’s an alternative. And I think keeping up gardening maintenance is very sensible. There’s a house near me where the garden has got completely out of control and the structure of the house itself is under threat.

Are you paying the gardener yourself? Because one option could be to just get it cleared after he dies. It may be that it's sold to developers anyway depending on where in the country you are and so the condition of the garden may not impact the price that much. You should probably still make sure it's insured but could take less of an interest in the upkeep.

Another idea - could you just take one day a month to deal with anything 'Dad' related and block/avoid him the rest of the time?

Did you read this OP?

I would also report safeguarding concerns to adult safeguarding for the women who he is financially abusing by pretending to have no money for food with him named as the perpetrator.

Safeguarding wouldn’t likely apply unless those women have care and support needs and as a result of those care and support needs are rendered vulnerable - Care Act 2014 is quite clear on this.

@Mysterydragon Do the trustees pay the gardener? Or is it his responsibility? You are over involved. You can separate the role of trustee from actually seeing him. None of what you say is anything to do with being a trustee. You need to understand that role. You are just acting as a daughter. You can step back from that. Why are you paying the gardener? Do you have POA? Is that the issue?

A friend of mine recently won a child abuse case (not sexual) against her 84 year old mother and step father. They both got jail terms.

Please prioritise your own MH that he stunted as a child and has eroded as an adult. You sound at the end of your tether and this will impact your physical health and your own DCs will pay the price.

There are lots of legal and logistical things that PP have suggested. All include distance, detaching and disengagement.

My concern is your undissipated rage. The cortisol and adrenaline is physically damaging you. You need to look at ways to turn this down - to soothe, to emotionally protect, to intentionally heal from the open festering wound he inflicted and still pokes directly and indirectly. Imagine him as some vicious gross beast - a snake, hyena, etc and put in the safeguards from being poisoned or mauled. Best of luck to you.

I have reported many times for otherwise fit and healthy older people being financially abused by adult children.

Safeguarding always picked it up.

In most cases the adult had capacity and refused help and support. In one case the adult accepted support and received several months of support to relocate and get back on her feet.

So I would respectfully disagree and would hope that a call from a social worker would wake up the people who believe he's penniless.

I am talking about reporting that he is financially abusing them causing harm, not that they have internal care and support needs.

I am trustee and beneficiary of half a house in trust and the will stated my step mother must keep the house insured and in a good state of repair. Is it worth seeking legal advice to see if you can do anything about him not looking after the property? Other than that part I would suggest having no contact with him.

I have left the old country and all inheritance. As long as I live close to my job and got a married family, this is all that matters to me