Help me process DM declining

[Thaawtsom]

I'll start with: I don't like my DM that much. She is and always has been v self-centred and lacking in empathy.

DM is v disabled and unable to walk much. She also cannot drive. I think she is also in pain but doesn't like to admit it (she has no time for sissies). She is easily fatigued. She is 86 and recently told me she was planning to live for another 10 years at least. (!) At the moment she is very angry and grumpy because her life as she knew it (and lived until quite recently) is not happening: many of her friends from the groups she used to go to are unwell and/or have moved away to be near their DC. Just at the moment she will not consider any "ways through" (new groups that are accessible to her; getting in a helper to help with shopping / going places). She is grieving her loss of independence and access to familiar friendships (which I really get) and possibly coming to terms with her atrocious health (this is not new but she has been ignoring it). I spent some time with her yesterday and really feel her rage and unhappiness at the dying of the light but also her unwillingness to do anything at all to make it better. There will be no good grace here (she's never been very good at grace or being grateful for anything or looking on the positives -- she's never been one of those "aren't the daffodils beautiful" types).

I am DREADING the next part of her life, and how it will impact on me. I struggled with her negativity (which she shared abundantly) when her life was quite good; I genuinely feel for her in her current situation but am highly frustrated by her outright rejection to even see that there are some things that we could put in place that might make it better.

In case its relevant I live reasonably close to her, have a sibling who is in a similar situation to me and we get on, I work full time and have teenagers who are in their own ways quite needy.

Woke up this morning with a feeling of deep dread about what comes next. Would love any thoughts or perspectives on your experience of similar.

@Thaawtsom few things here. Firstly she lives nearby so at least you won’t have to travel too far. Secondly how much do you see of her at the minute? There is no rule that says you need to up that as person gets older, particularly if they have the means to pay for support.

Unfortunately my experience of my elderly DPs is they become a more stubborn version of themselves, and things that would be helpful are mostly roundly poo pooed until they’re almost past the stage of being useful. I would give up on the clubs, and focus on trying to get your DM used to some help in the house. A cleaner- if she can afford it - is a very good start. If she hasn’t already claimed for attendance allowance it’s worth helping her fill in the form as that money can be useful to break down barriers to refusing paid for care.

If you and your Dsis are close, it’s worth having a frank conversation about what you are and aren’t prepared to do. I am an only DC, which is lonely, but DH has been great, but from what I read on here many siblings fall out. I - for example- am not prepared to do things that can be paid for - cleaning and gardening, or personal care - thankfully we are in Scotland so DM gets free carers. If you can support each other then that’s so helpful and remember your relationship will outlive that with your DM.

Thank you @rookiemere . This really resonated: and things that would be helpful are mostly roundly poo pooed until they’re almost past the stage of being useful ... and is I think where we are. She is at long last considering whether she should be moving out of her house and into a flat ... And I also nodded in recognition to your remark about more stubborn version of herself as she gets older.

Am v lucky that yes, DSis and I do get on and are usually on the same page about all things relating to DM.

I needed to hear that there are no rules that I need to up the amount I see her: my sister and I see her once a week (alternate weeks) but check in with her on the phone several times a week. DM can definitely afford some help although is being weird about money just at the moment and not wanting to spend her savings -- I suppose this is part of my frustration. She is moaning and complaining about how awful her life is and if she would just accept she needs help and pay for it her life would be so much better (and so would mine). I think I need to buckle up for a frustrating period ...

Thanks for your thoughts. Appreciate it!

If you want a place to vent and get some support come join us on The Cockroach cafe threads on the EP board for a bit of company.
For a set of diverse people it’s amazing how common the issues are - I guess those who have sensible DPs who get support in when they need it and use their rainy day money when it is indeed very wet don’t need a space to complain.

You do get to choose what you spend your time doing. There isn’t anyone (other than you) making you listen to her endless moaning. It’s also not your job to make her happy (and that sounds like an impossible task anyway).

it’s worth having a frank conversation about what you are and aren’t prepared to do. This is the heart of it tbh.

she doesn’t want to do what you want her to do, she’s never been willing to help herself or ‘accept reality’ so why set yourself up for more years of banging your head off that particular wall 🤷‍♀️?

@Thaawtsom as @rookiemere said - join us over on https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5474948-cockroach-cafe-spring-in-autumn

Thank you @BlueLegume and @rookiemere . I have spent the last couple of days reading and lurking there: thank you for the pointer! Is exactly what I need. Had a good strategy session w DSis over the weekend largely informed by what I read there and now feeling… readier? Mumsnet at its best. ❤️

Op its difficult we have the same. 80s. She had alot of back issues in summer bit better now. She gets bit home help. I do Saturday sister mid wk. The negativity is tiring though. I have no major advice its hard though isnt it.

@Mary46 Have just been chatting with DH and I am currently wondering whether the ramped up negativity is actually a sign that she is feeling increasingly unwell (and rather than say that, is just being ... vile). Am sorry so many of us are on the receiving end of it. Really makes me think about planning for my own decline. DM's own parents and PIL died quite young and suddenly so although she was involved in DF's decline and death (which was brutal but relatively short lived) she never had to deal with the decline of her parents or PIL.

Hard thaaw, on my mams road they living well into 90s so could be years it. Its very tiring) at times

Boundaries. Put them in place and be very clear with her.

Ask her to sort stuff out now to make things downstream easier ie. streamline finances.

Might be worth speaking to someone else or frankly acknowledging your own feelings. I have threads infinitium about my own reaction to becoming a carer for my hoarder relative that I feel totally and utterly failed me when my parents died. They really helped me process it all.

Oh, and if she makes unsafe decisions frame it to yourself that this was her choice and if she comes to harm it's not because of your actions.