Hello elderly parents board. Thanks for all the informative and supportive of carers threads. I have used it a fair amount to make sure I am not losing my mind over the last few yrs. This is my first post, it's a bit rambly, I am not the best writer I think, I want to get the info across though.
NC'd for this in case family pick it up. I would like some advice on how to approach the following with my family. I am mid-40's, 3 DC, work full-time in a really busy role, DH also works FT and travels away every 3 weeks to London.
My DF, 80, is on the full state pension, no other private pension or other revenue stream. He has limited savings but his main home is mortgage free. We are not UK based so tax rules mean he must keep the home to ensure there is asset to pay for care if needed. He lived in very rural area all his life. My DM, DF wife, passed away in 2023 of bowel cancer, she had been ill for 1.5 yrs prior. It was a tough few years for all of us, lots of support from one side of country to another, lots of driving, supporting at hospital and home while DM went through treatment. DF was wobbly during and after after my DM illness and when she passed away. He seemed and sometimes still does - totally lost. It became clear that he wasn't coping well living on his own, mostly due to social isolation and I think depression. I sat him down (many times tbh) and finally got to place where he made it clear he wanted to be close to his children. Myself and 2 older DBs, we all live in the same city.
My DH and I, separate from my DF situation, saved all we could and using our savings decided to purchase an apartment in Feb 2025 as family investment, it is close to our main home. We indicated to my DF that he could trial living there, being close to us and my DBs, we understood that this could be long term.
DF accepted and transitioned, on and off, over and back to rural home with support from all his children, since April 2025, but then stayed full time since October 2025 to now. Winters in his house are freezing (poor heating system and he's tight with cranking the heat in winter). He doesn't mind the cold but doesn't really engage his social network and will only call DC when in need of assistance, a 3.5 hour drive away. DF has transitioned ok-ish to the city, it was a massive change for him. He drives, has a GP, a physio (my insistence that he has this), a cleaner (again, I insisted). Physically he is okay-ish. Lots of aches and pains from various surgeries over the last 7 yrs, some incontinence. He has no hobbies and it's totally impossible to get him to take up anything - we have tried so often, flat refusal. Mentally he can be very down, I am sure he has at least mild depression - he ruminates a lot. He is very able to wash and feed himself, no personal care needed at this stage. He visits or has visits from myself and geo-closest DB 4-5 times a week. It tends to be me more often than not. It can be a lot, I am trying my best with boundaries and managing my own physical/mental health. Not sure why I share all this - I am offloading while I am in the flow!
My DH and I pay for the mortgage on the apartment, the upkeep, the management fees (2k annually). My father pays no rent,
but does pay the utility bills. My brothers do not contribute, I have never asked them to. My husband has indicated that he would like my brothers and my DF to nominally contribute to the management fees. DB1, he and DSIL work FT in good careers, 3 young children, they have an apartment which "pays its own way", they make a small income from this. DB2, he is the only earner in his family, skilled occupation, v senior, 2 DC one of which is in university, one in A-level equiv yr. I should say I get on really well with my DBs and DSILs; they are important to me and feel I can rely on them for all of the DF stuff. There is no resentment, and between us 3 the Comms can be quite reasonable.
This item though, the contribution, is not something I have discussed with DBs - as this was all a "trial" but it has become normal now. We are not looking for contribution to the mortgage, but would it be acceptable to split the cost of the management fees as a proposal? I sometimes feel stuck in the middle with my family (opaque communications is the culture of the family, since forever, with DF/DM and then like Chinese whispers to my DBs, bad planning on my Dad's and Mum's part - which honestly I am often frustrated by, so bloody frustrated) and my DH who is none of those things and is always thinking 5 steps ahead about our financial future. If anyone has any ideas on how to approach this and if it a reasonable ask I would be all ears.
Thanks for reading - sorry such a long post.