Complicated feelings towards Mum

[chickensaresafehere]

I suppose this is the norm for a lot of women in their 50's - distant mother,her & my dad were a tightly bonded unit,had a child (just me,no siblings) as it was what you did. No real affection,more (attempted) from dad but dominant mum curtailed it. I was fed,clothed,roof over my head but so very lonely as a child. Later on mum decided she wanted to run pubs,I was a teenager & put in some dodgy situations due to her lack of parenting. Sent to a private,all girls school & made to feel grateful for it,but was bullied all the way through,didn't share this with anyone. Moved out when I was 16,but all my relationships with men were abusive but I stayed in them. She seemed kinder & closer to me when I had my own children,wanted to be involved in my life etc.
Dad died (dementia) 9 yrs ago & she became more dependant on me. 3 yrs ago I realised I need counselling for all this,it was incredibly helpful & insightful. Now she is in a care home,no dementia or major care needs,just happy to be looked after.
I struggle every week going to visit her,lots of feelings - guilt,resentment. Part of me says 'get over it',treat her with respect,it wasn't that bad. While other part of me wishes I didn't have to visit.
Anybody in the same situation & could offer advice?

Is the care home close to you ( in the same town ? ) because if it is I think I would still go if it's just weekly.
How long do you stay ? Perhaps you could start to shorten the time you spend there or maybe take along a small craft to do it look through a magazine together or even read a newspaper etc .
If it's a struggle to get to , you could white lie and say you don't always have access to transport and can only come fortnightly .

This sounds very familiar, although I’m not an only child, younger than you and my “D”M is still living independently, whilst driving me mad with her expectations. She wants to move to a care home near where I live, I am very much against this, having not lived in the same city as her for over twenty years.

Ultimately, you don’t have to visit at all. Are you visiting from obligation, guilt, appearance to other people? Could you return to the counselling you’ve done already?

What’s the bigger picture? How much of your life do the visits take up? If the care home is in the next road and you’re retired with no other caring responsibilities, then spending a couple of hours a week doesn’t seem too bad. Unless you feel it’s leaching your soul out!
But if you’re working full time, still got children at home and the care home is more distant, then two hours a week would be totally unrealistic.

I understand the complicated feelings, it is very hard to care for someone that didn't care for you when you were in a vulnerable stage of life. There is no yardstick of 'it wasn't that bad', it clearly had an impact on you and you don't need to dismiss yourself or your feelings in that way. I'm not surprised you feel resentful. Also, the whole thing of how much nicer and closer she was when you had your own children can sting under the surface, because perhaps it highlights feelings around why you weren't good enough to receive this when you were a child.

You don't have to visit her at all if you don't want to. Nothing will happen if you don't. Or you do a middle ground of fortnightly, or only when you feel able. Or you can shorten the visits. You're not a bad person for feeling this way.

I would struggle to know many who had every possible support and love from their parents in the 60s and 70s. Both DH and me had a roof over our heads but nothing emotionally. Millions of parents were like this. You just have to power through because it’s not worth harbouring resentment.

Care home is local to me & I visit once,sometimes twice a week,for an hour. So,I agree,not long. My dd,who has a disability,has recently gone to residential college,so after years of caring, I've finally got some time to myself. Just wanted to hear others coping strategies,who are in a similar situation. I do continue to visit out of guilt.
And thanks to the reply 'just power on through,it was like that for most of us' 🙄

Thanks @Egglio😊

I will continue to visit,I couldn't deal with the guilt & comments from others if I didn't. But it's the weird 'dread' I feel on the morning of the day I'm going to visit. I struggle with those feelings too.
Maybe revisiting counselling would help.

Out of interest who will comment if you don't visit?

I am taking a break from visits for a few months and don't intend to feel guilty about it. The care home know, they know where I am if they need anything and I will continue to call fortnightly for an update.

I haven't lived with M since I was 18, she is well used to not having me at beck and call, so I am not totally sure why I have been busting a gut to visit when she doesn't reallg appreciate it and has a better social life now than she has had for a while.

If you need a break, you need a break. The care home won't judge. And neither will the people who matter.

I think it really depends if others are visiting, or not. If friends don’t bother, you are on your own and guilt sets in. My DM was in a home for 6 months and one of my siblings didn’t even turn up for her 100 th birthday. So yes, we did judge! No one was judging me if I didn’t visit for a week but I felt visiting wasn’t about just me. I talked to staff, checked out all was ok, met other residents and stayed to lunch occasionally. I wanted it to be a success as far as it could be. It was much easier than the longer journeys to DMs home.

You do have to let the past go because you cannot change it. You can learn from it and be a better person yourself.

She’s in a care home getting all her needs met. You don’t have to visit at all op, or at least go a lot less often. Who cares about other people’s views? I admit I don’t get it. The woman wasn’t nice to you when you needed her and were a child - why you visit her weekly is beyond me. Just don’t. The home won’t care. People who know you and understand won’t care. Just stop.

I feel the same as you OP. Truth is, I don't really want to contact / see my parents because some of what they did is unforgivable. They live independently still, but I put off phoning them, and would not choose to spend time with them 'for fun'. I take my mother for tea at a garden centre every now and then, but that's much as I can manage.

Just do once a week if you can. Or 3 weeks out of 4. You don't 'owe' her.

Stretch the weekly visit to 10 days instead ,an extra 3 days may make you feel better able to cope with visiting her and make the visit a bit shorter too.
It's not really anybody's business how many times you visit ,she's being cared for and entertained whether you go or not.
I'm quite sure the carers in care homes or visiting carers soon suss out the kind of 'personality' they are dealing with and probably have empathy for their relatives in lots of cases.

Op not easy. Im glad when my saturday visits done so I feel like you. You cant change it but my boundaries good now. What age is she. Mine is 80s. Its difficult isnt it

You don't have to "power through". Why would anyone have to do that? Guilt? Fear of what other people think? "It's just what your do"? Not good reasons for doing anything.

Twice a week sounds far too much, especially after what sounds like years of caring.

You could do the same as she did for you - there’s a roof over her head, you can make sure she has snacks, toiletries, replacement clothes as needed and that the bills are paid.

@thedevilinablackdress You do because if you get mean and twisted you are not being the best person you can be. You certainly won’t be happy. I don’t care too much about others but I respect myself and I’m better than that - I don’t want to be a person harbouring grudges and always looking back. I’m successfully my own person, not an image of my parents and that means overcoming difficulties and not being shackled by them. I’ve powered through!

If that's what works for you, ok. For others, peace might look different.

That’s a really interesting observation, @OhDear111
Sad too, obviously. I was one of those millions.
Reading your post has made me think; I wonder if it was related to the Dr Spock style? And did any of those parents think it was harsh being so emotionally absent - or indeed easier than the alternatives?
You’ve made me look at my own situation less selfishly so thank you.

I too have complicated feelings. I find it helps to understand their backgrounds.
In my case there was poverty, ill health and war.
I think a lot of people from that era had to distance themselves from strong feelings or they would have been overwhelmed.

@CleanSkin I’m not entirely sure it was Dr Spock but babies were brought up in a more rigid way - I was put outside in my pram to sleep - in the snow! There are pictures. Both DH and me think our parents were “hands off” and certainly no cuddles. We became very independent as a result but I don’t believe we can harshly judge the past by modern standards. We have a different approach and so do most people.

I agree about the war making life difficult and this was always used to tell us we were too demanding - you would never have survived the war on rations was said over and over. I still know I didn’t want much and certainly didn’t get much. They had to make the best of it in the war, and we do now, but I do think we evaluate what we do in more depth.

@chickensaresafehere well done for going for the counselling. The reality is it was that bad. It wasn't enough. You are well within your rights to significantly reduce visits or to not visit at all.

I understand and feel the same. A mix of guilt and resentment and annoyingly, underneath, still that desire that she will approve and love me. For the people saying “your better than that, everyone our era was treated the same, power through”, you do you. Some of us have reacted differently. It has had a major influence on me and my relationships and has affected my whole life because of the core belief that I am unworthy of love. Yes I’ve had counselling, but it’s still there because it’s part of me so you don’t get to tell OP to just buckle up and get on with it or she’s a bad person. That’s just reiterating the message her mum sent. OP you don’t HAVE to do anything but I understand that inbuilt guilt if you don’t. Could you make it less rigid and go when you truly don’t mind so much, so not putting yourself under pressure to go every Wednesday and plan a treat just for yourself after you’ve gone so there’s something to look forward to afterwards?

As a weekly (max) visitor to a lovely mother, I think you are doing a hell of a lot. You’re a good daughter.

Taking one week off a month might help?

Was she ever part of a church? Would a minister or member of a church drop in?

And I agree about taking something to do - ‘company work’ as it used to be called. Knitting? Cross stitch? Crossword? Would she attempt it with you?

I think you can meet yourself in the middle here and cut back a lot more and more while still being involved.

I won’t in any way be involved in my parent’s upcoming care needs.

They have what I call inevitably harmful personalities and inevitably I experienced deep harm from them.

But going NC has been a huge emotional burden for me so it is not one I personally would recommend as a means to deal with the guilt you are feeling by cutting back contact.

Instead I would get a bit of support with learning to detach more emotionally from your mother, in other words to have a relationship that matches her relationship capacity not your relationship capacity.

Excellent point. Let go gradually. Keep the connection alive, but no need to do it as often as you are. You know she’s cared for and safe, which is the main thing. Just dial it back. I can’t tell you how liberating it is once you’ve made peace with yourself over it.