Complicated feelings towards Mum

[chickensaresafehere]

I suppose this is the norm for a lot of women in their 50's - distant mother,her & my dad were a tightly bonded unit,had a child (just me,no siblings) as it was what you did. No real affection,more (attempted) from dad but dominant mum curtailed it. I was fed,clothed,roof over my head but so very lonely as a child. Later on mum decided she wanted to run pubs,I was a teenager & put in some dodgy situations due to her lack of parenting. Sent to a private,all girls school & made to feel grateful for it,but was bullied all the way through,didn't share this with anyone. Moved out when I was 16,but all my relationships with men were abusive but I stayed in them. She seemed kinder & closer to me when I had my own children,wanted to be involved in my life etc.
Dad died (dementia) 9 yrs ago & she became more dependant on me. 3 yrs ago I realised I need counselling for all this,it was incredibly helpful & insightful. Now she is in a care home,no dementia or major care needs,just happy to be looked after.
I struggle every week going to visit her,lots of feelings - guilt,resentment. Part of me says 'get over it',treat her with respect,it wasn't that bad. While other part of me wishes I didn't have to visit.
Anybody in the same situation & could offer advice?

100% this!

Big hug OP. I don't think this is the norm, and I think part of coming to terms with it is understanding how normal or not normal it was. I am pretty sure there were always mothers who dote on their kids, mothers who are very cool towards them. There isn't really a norm for private behaviour. There are hopelessly disorganised mothers who communicate warmth too - it's a complicated job being a mother. For some mothers, providing a roof and food was their expression of love, and you can return the love y making sure her physical needs are met. That's quite an achievement in itself.

Hi OP, your comment that it wasn't that bad really jumped out to me. I wonder if what you are describing is a lack of emotional bonding, attunement, recognition, validation, that kind of thing? If so, then you may wish to explore emotional neglect with your counsellor. It is very common for people who have experienced this to say "It wasn't that bad" because it's about what didn't happen, rather than what did. There may be millions of us, but it's still not ok because humans learn who they are through that emotional bonding. If it's not there, that registers as unsafe for a young child because they can't be sure that the grown ups in their lives would not abandon them. No wonder you feel weird and uncomfortable visiting your parent in those circumstances - you are being called on to "perform" a relationship that isn't there. Whatever you decide to do practically, that's my only advice. Realise that it was that bad for you so of course you feel this way now. It's completely understandable and may be your (wise, loving) body's way of protecting you from further hurt.

I feel quite similar. My mum was lovely when I was a younger child (or perhaps I didn’t know any better), but distant and could be horrible when I was a teen. Very set ideas on things, very very critical and negative. She was better when I had little children -great with them in fact, but the same pattern has continued with them-and what I tolerated for me I will not tolerate for them.
My Dad died 7 months ago and he was so lovely. He had acted as a buffer between my mum and everyone else. And now that’s gone the relationship with mum is very difficult. My sister no longer speaks to her at all (which is over harsh in my view) and my brother lives abroad so no help. She has aged dramatically since Dad died, and is lonely im sure, though she keeps herself busy with friends etc. She is starting to need more help however and it will be me that needs to give it. She lives an hour and a quarter away and I haven’t been to see her for a while which I feel immensely bad about but I also just don’t want to be around her at present as I can’t stand the Barage of criticism that comes with it.
She has never done anything truly awful although there were a few incidents that have left a lasting mark on me (in which I also accept that I was at fault but as a teenager I didn’t know much better). But that just makes me feel worse as I can’t justify not wanting to do the looking after that will be needed going forwards as a result.

My Mum was very much like yours. We always had clean clothes, well cooked meals etc but no real love. I was always made to feel second best after my brother and my mum could be very critical. I have two daughters and love them both I would never say some of the things my mom said to me to them!

I went just once a week to visit my mum in her care home. I took photos of the grandchildren with her and watched tv with her. It turned out to be just three years and she could still be critical. Yes she could still be critical and moaned once that I only came once a week and my brother went more.
i didn’t care - i worked had a family and I did my best. I came away feeling the better person and incredibly proud of myself. For the last 6 months my mum mainly slept because of dementia so I just sat there.
i can guarantee you will feel proud of yourself honestly too really will so my advice is to just keep at it x

If you like podcasts, This Jungian Life just did one on this exact and I mean exact topic recently... it was very insightful and one point they made was that you need to think also about how you will feel about the relationship in 20 years when they are no longer here, and that's what you need to make peace with.

Sad to see posts promoting FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.
This has been conditioned in by the very said parent/s.
Go to/ back to counselling, and work through FOG.
Why would anyone put them through a visit after such ‘abuse’.

I found that once I knew and understood more about my DF's upbringing...well, his behaviour didn't change, he still drove me round the bend quite often, but I could understand and deal with it a little better.

Hello OP and @CatLady476 i think your comments have captured what I am struggling with.

Thank you for all who have shared their experiences it has been helpful to read them, while trying to get some clarity on my own thoughts and feelings.

1. I was fed etc mostly ok and appreciate my Mom struggled with working hard and financial stress as a single parent

2. I never felt v close in a warm way. No hugs or chats or advice so in some ways typical of a latch key kid - just left to get on with things.

3. I was aware of her shortcomings as a teenager in how she managed her money and domestic routines

4. Conflict- on the one hand she was kind and generous creative but explosive on the other and often nasty comments - which sometimes I’ve said to others an they’ve said oh everyone’s Mom said that back then - not with the nastiness I bet

5. I have now been able to recognise certain things as emotionally abusive - things said to me in adulthood- past the era of latch key parenting

6. Now in her 70s she can be wholly insensitive but she has mellowed loads and is a shrunken version of herself - quite the nice old lady, known for being kind and quietly spoken!

I am conflicted and a recent event stirred a lot of stuff up I’d forgotten about and I am full of anger an resentment but also guilt

For years I’ve struggled with barely visiting - I live a good distance away but even still…the guilt is there

I feel the same dread about visiting my mum now that my DF is gone (he died 7 months ago). I always told myself that one he was no longer here, I would reduce my communication and visits drastically but she now has quite significant cognitive decline and needs a lot of support. Unfortunately I live abroad (a 2-hour flight away) and I HATE flying. The anxiety I feel about my visits is insane. She is now more unpleasant to me than ever, including suspicious and accuses me of stealing from her and all sorts. It’s very re-traumatising. I am not sure what to do. My advice to you would be to protect yourself. Can you refuse your visits to every other week? Mel Brown and her ‘let them’ theory might be helpful if others try to make you feel guilty. Let them think what they think, that’s up to them.