At 86 why wouldn’t you take painkillers?

[genandtonic]

My mother-in-law is in a care home six hours away. She refuses to move to a care home up here, for various weird and illogical reasons.she’s deemed to have capacity.

She’s in terrible pain every day with rheumatoid arthritis , can’t hold a phone for long, won’t wear hearing aids, won’t take any medicine with a consequence that she is bedbound, in pain all day every day and has awful spasms from lack of movement.She occasionally takes paracetamol but won’t take painkillers because tge side-effects might affect her 😳 and because one of the carers is on painkillers and they didn’t work for her.

She’s calling us all several times a day crying and sobbing in pain and can’t hold the phone obviously it’s really distressing for us all. She can also be really nasty.

Any tips on how to make her see sense or how to stop this nonsense much appreciated!

I would note that a lot of the advice here is 'she doesn't need to worry about long-term side effects because she'll be dead soon anyway since she's 86 and in a care home' - and while I recognise the logic of this, I can see why the MIL is more reluctant to see it like this.

Exactly! You’d think if you were in any sort of extreme pain you’d want to at least try what the doctor gave you. If you won’t even have one of the most basic, over-the-counter painkillers then just suffer in silence.

Thanks everyone. Sorry not to reply earlier, I’ve had enough of thinking about her for a while! She can hold the phone fine to gossip until anyone mentions medication or gp. Then she can’t hold the phone any longer.
I like the idea of brownies! In Spain it’s a normal thing for arthritis.
Ive mentioned some of your suggestions and she patronises me and says I don’t understand which I obviously don’t.
fuzzy wolf thank you - she has all that anyway. It’s why it’s so awful - she’s screaming in pain when the poor old carers change her.
she has a rheumatologist but again she is very secretive. I don’t know why she doesn’t want to discuss her health with her family in a practical way- but still tells me far too much about her bits. Yikes! I think those that mentioned control have it right. but we know she knows better than the doctors so no anything including methotrexate ellieq I’m glad you’ ve found Humira, and am sending hugs to you and everyone else with this horrible illness.
Ive stopped calling unless she calls me ( for a Tesco shop). She calls everyone else and I feel a bit bad, but i can’t deal with the way she will not help herself. Everything is a problem but she won’t seek or listen to solutions. So sad.
boot of a moan apologies and thank you !
I’ll pop over to the cockroach cafe ! Awful and great name!

I think this is very sensible advice.

Thank you - I agree! Have had the home get the gp in and she put MIL onto a dr that specializes in geriatrics. she wouldn’t take his advice. I can ask the nurses and if they let on I’ve talked to them she goes ballistic with me. I guess there’s really nothing we can do - our hands are tied at every juncture it seems by her.
just seems such an awful way to live.
thanks!

It does seem an awful way to love and frustrating for you as she is choosing to live like that.

How would you feel about reducing the amount of timex that you answer her calls?

I have RA and painkillers are a very challenging issue.
My stomach has been destroyed by NSAIDS, Oral Methotrexate and prednisilone.
Ordinary paracetamol isn't much help.
I cannot tolerate any kind of opiate due to nightmares and hallucinations.
I did find etoricoxib helpful for a couple of years but I have developed another condition that means I can no longer take it.
I discovered 8 hour slow release paracetamol is actually pretty good, but the tablets are huge and difficult to swallow.
Whatever I take makes me nauseous and the anti nausea tablets make me constipated. So...
It really isn't always just chug the painkillers and everything will be fine.

I have RA and started taking biologics in my late 50s, and have been taking them for ten years. I have found them to be truly life changing. They are fairly painless to inject and I have no problem doing it. I also take pain killers - codeine - as I need to do exercises to help my balance and stability as I have had a double knee replacement. However, you learn to deal with potential constipation.

It’s definitely a strange attitude that some people have, resisting painkillers. My Mum is 85, has arthritis, but will rarely take paracetamol. When I was a young teenager I had crippling period pain, had to have time off school for it, but not once did my Mum suggest a paracetamol. It wasn’t until around age 16 when I heard other girls at school saying the took painkillers for period pain that I realised it was an option. Total game-changer for me!

Hello endofthelinefinally I’m so sorry to hear this, that sounds so rough, and for so long. I do hope things get better. Obviously it’s not my business, but I’ve been recommended hypnosis for mother in law. IM wondering if it’s worth a go for you?
I had 6 Personalised sessions (not in a group) before childbirth and it was incredibly effective. I can give you ( or anyone else that is interested) the name of the chap if you’d like? If nothing else you learn to really relax yourself very quickly which is always useful!
tezza1 well done you and for doing the exercises through the pain. If it helps, MIL didn’t take the painkillers, so didn’t do the exercises and is now completely flat on her back with muscle spasms.
again, I’m a great believer in hypnosis - it stops the mind being scared which stops the muscles tightening, or something like that.
berry twistergood luck to your mum. It really is odd. I guess it’s a post war thing when everyone had to suck it up.

Just want to say thanks to everyone.
Hearing your experiences gave me the oomph to lay it on the line and tell MIL she was being really unfair to the staff, and the people who love her, by yelling in pain constantly.
she said she was getting better and I said she had had a year and what was the progress. If she really wants to get better, she needs to work on the pain first, then she can work on the exercises and then build from there, but you can’t do anything while your mind is preoccupied with pain. ALso a nurse told me that no one needs to be in pain these days ( not totally sure I believe her, but hey). Anyway something got through and she is actually taking a teeny dose of pregabalin. Huzzah!
Thank you all. Massive hugs to everyone going through this stuff.💐

I am on or have been on most of those pain meds and have had none of those side effects. Modern medicine means we don't have to suffer the awful pain that previous generations have suffered . I have stage 4 cancer and am eternally grateful for all the drugs we have access to . Time was when many children died from illnesses we have vaccination for or antibiotics for . We are lucky as a generation to have access to life changing medicine and we have a choice of whether to take them or foolishly suffer .

It's really frustrating. My father is the same, won't take them despite being in terrible pain. I wonder if it's linked to religion in some cases at least. Jesus suffered on the cross and so must he. Don't know.

But mother is the same and not religious. I remember coming home one lunchtime from school with what must have been a migraine. Luckily my grandmother was looking after me that day and gave me a paracetamol and it was like magic. I'd never had any before and when I got period pain was told to 'breathe through it'. It's a strange attitude. I have to fight myself over it with my dog as she now needs painkillers but it's so ingrained in me that painkillers are bad that sometimes that can colour my thinking/assessment of her and I have to remind myself regularly that my parents are mad!

I’m so sorry about your diagnosis Contrary. We are lucky that we have access to these medicines and pain relief aren’t we?