At 86 why wouldn’t you take painkillers?

[genandtonic]

My mother-in-law is in a care home six hours away. She refuses to move to a care home up here, for various weird and illogical reasons.she’s deemed to have capacity.

She’s in terrible pain every day with rheumatoid arthritis , can’t hold a phone for long, won’t wear hearing aids, won’t take any medicine with a consequence that she is bedbound, in pain all day every day and has awful spasms from lack of movement.She occasionally takes paracetamol but won’t take painkillers because tge side-effects might affect her 😳 and because one of the carers is on painkillers and they didn’t work for her.

She’s calling us all several times a day crying and sobbing in pain and can’t hold the phone obviously it’s really distressing for us all. She can also be really nasty.

Any tips on how to make her see sense or how to stop this nonsense much appreciated!

I don’t think it’s just a generational thing - I know many younger people who won’t take tablets like paracetamol. I think my daughter has probably taken less than a dozen in her entire life, and she’s 33. Some people just don’t like taking medicines unless they are more or less life saving.

My mum refuses anything stronger than paracetamol. And she only started taking that when it was literally prescribed by a doctor.

She says she doesn't believe that any medicine actually works. But she also doesn't want opiates to make her feel 'stoned'. Despite never ever having even tried one codeine tablet?!

She just moans about her pain all day long and flatly refuses it. It's really frustrating.

How can you know it's a generational thing when younger generations are not yet at that life stage?

Usually it is a control thing. Being in poor health and in pain makes people feel scared, vulnerable, stressed, all of which lead to emotional reactions, some of which don't make much sense to onlookers.

Other people's problems are simple!

My sister has had RA for a long time. She takes all the painkillers plus PPI medication to stop her getting stomach ulcers. She has to take laxatives all the time but she leads a good active life and walks nearly every day. She retired a few years ago which was six months past her retirement age. Her friend, who also has RA, will not take the painkillers in case they cause side effects and spends her life sitting down moaning about the pain.
OP, I just think you need to keep on at your MIL to take the pain killers. Maybe suggest to her that the doctor give her other meds ( proton pump inhibitor and laxatives) to combat the side effects of the painkillers.

Any chance the Gp or district nurse would speak to her - most people will accept instruction from them

She’s probably afraid of becoming addicted on opioids or of stomach ulcers from things like ibuprofen.

Sounds like she’s watched a documentary or read newspapers about people getting horrible afflictions from them.

Has she had any kind of rheumatology review? Has she actually got any prescribed pain relief? Psychology support?

if she can’t get to an appointment like that or won’t go, maybe palliative care? They are experts on pain relief too, and may also have a psychologist attached.

it’s quite frightening that she is in this state tbh. If she does have a prescribed regime, just keep banging on about taking it.

My husband who is 71 is the same but moans constantly. I myself have rheumatoid arthritis, l can imagine how bad the pain must be, I take everything I’m given and it’s still bad. You can lead a horse to water etc..

Thank you everyone, this is so useful - and reassuring in a way.
we are now being a bit firmer and sympathisisng while saying we can’t help unless you let us. I think you are right, those of you that mentioned control.
its awful for the carers who have to change her while she shrieks in pain.
she is worried about side effects but everything goes through the home, so if there are side effects it will take ages to get through the system to the gp apparently.
the gp cleverly suggested meds and let her research them. I haven’t heard of some of the things you have mentioned- biological, proton etc so will research a bit.
She’s always refused medication I don’t know how she gets through each day.
thank you, just realised the time!
mamy Thanks, and to those with ra, much strength and support.💐

I have a similar disease to RA. Pain killers make life bearable. Blunt but true.

As do the DMARDs prescribed for it. Yes they have side effects such as nausea and hair loss but I can move and function - so that’s less bad.

I am in my 30s.

Sounds like a GP visit to get the right thing for her issued as a required medication maybe, not a PRN.

Then the relief would be given routinely and although i guess she can say no, maybe theres less chance of it.

At the end of the day though its her choice but it would be nice to know its been discussed with her GP so shes making her own informed decision

She may be worried about the side effects increasing her need for intimate care by causing drowsiness/ incontinence/ nausea.

She needs a visit from a doctor. Older people tend to take the advice of a professional.

I'd also consider hypnosis for long term pain management
RA, like so many conditions is terribly cruel

My mum is prescribed codeine which works for her back pain. The doctor is weaning her off them as they can be addictive. She is 83 years old! So now she is trying to make herself stop taking them and in a lot of pain in the process!
Ridiculous.

I have a relative the same- in terrible pain but only takes paracetamol because they don’t like taking pills.
And yet their pain is the main topic of conversation….

If she won’t take painkillers what are the chances she’ll take biologics?? Plus she’s the generation that probably got steroids & gold injections so the side effects were bad.

Leave it to the gp to sort. It’s not your job.

Ime gp access in homes is quick the staff are always on the phone to them and they visit once a week.

That's the fault of her doctor there isn't it?

I don't understand this attitude with medication for an 83-year-old. It's ridiculous. She should be allowed to stay on them.

Christ, at 86 if I need painkillers, I’ll be gnawing on lumps of morphine washed down with champagne if I need to (joke people - I don’t even know if morphine comes in lumps!) Seriously though, if she has capacity and won’t take paracetamol or ibuprofen or whatever, then what is phoning you crying going to achieve? (Apart from attention, maybe another thread..) I would (relatively gently) be saying exactly that to her frankly..

@Purplecatshopaholic I also wondered if attention is a factor here.

Not recommending this at all but back in the 90s we lived with dgm who was in poor health. Refused medications and was up screaming and crying at night. Dm was her carer and i remember she started making ‘strawberry porridge’ each evening for ‘supper’ for her. Turned out it was Calpol laced to make her sleep due to the refusal to take painkillers and DM being exhausted 😱

My parents are like this. Sorry if this sounds harsh but it’s up to them, I think it’s madness, but as I say if they want to sit there in pain up to them, they get pretty much zero sympathy from me. It annoys me when people won’t help themselves and do something so easy and then continue to moan!

If you’ve tried kindness and explaining it, then I would just not answer the phone. People do have to at least try to help themselves.

With stenosis spine and arthritis in both hips I do take painkillers. They do take the edge off the pain. But I've learnt that ibuprofen in the morning and cocodamol at night suffice. Keeping moving is the best thing once you've taken a med in the morning. OH and getting new hips. One down one to go.

I did take more at the start but it doesn't work any better and the side effects aren't great.

Don’t answer the phone. I honestly wouldn’t. What is she talking about side effects? Honestly at 86 and in agony wouldn’t you hope the side effect is that you drifted off peacefully and never woke up? Crazy, and telling you about it doesn’t actually help her does it? Or contact the GP with your concerns, she might be one if these that if the doctor told her to take them then she would but no way in hell would I be answering the phone to someone that was going to cry to me about something they can actually stop. She needs some fentanyl patches from the pan clinic and screw the side effects.