Cockroach cafe - Spring in autumn

[GnomeDePlume]

A new thread for those of us dealing with elderly family members. All welcome.

A place to rant, discuss, vent, decompress. No judgement just solidarity.

@MysterOfwomanY I understand.

Then I would say the key things I have done is significantly reduce carbs and lose a lot of weight. I'm on mounjaro which has helped me to do those things.

I'm not sure what it is about diabetes but getting it under a lot stricter control does seem to have resolved my burgeoning ulcer problem.

Thanks @GnomeDePlume .
I was awake at 2:30am so won't look askance at your 4:30am!

I agree with this. My mum moved a few weeks ago from a residential home where she had lived for nearly 3 years to a nursing home as her care needs were now greater. I am not sure she even realises she is in a different place. Her needs are met just the same - possibly even better as there are more staff around - so she is as content as she can be.

I on the other hand am weary. The stress of the move - she was given 28 days notice by the care home to get Social services to finally come and assess her needs after waiting for months - meant I had to totally prioritise finding her a new care home and moving her while I lived 200 miles away and get more involved in her care and daily life for the first time in three years. Plus face up to how bad her dementia now is as she isn’t the least ill person in her new nursing home.

I realise I am now in my ninth year of elderly care as my dad was ill for several years while trying to look after my mum with Alzheimer’s so they needed support. Dad had heart failure and then dementia too. The last year of his life was desperately hard as mum really needed to be in a care home but dad would never agree to it although he was logical enough to eventually realise they did need carers to help. My easiest years in the last 9 have been the two after dad died because mum was in a care home and not too advanced with her dementia so enjoying it. Although the first of those two years was full of grief.

Several friends have lost parents to cancer which is obviously a hard road but at least the length of the road is somewhat quantifiable. Mum is 93 and could continue for years yet as she has no other underlying health issues. After 8 years of frequent 200 mile round trips and the urgent need to move her last month I am so weary. I know I can soon start to reduce my visit frequency to every 3-4 weeks as it was at the previous care home but the visits are slowly turning from a pleasure to see my mum to a chore with very little of my mum visible. The thought of several more years of it just makes me cry.

MIL has been in a care home for a week since coming out of hospital and a return to her flat is looking increasingly unlikely. She's in the same care home as FIL and she does not want to spend any time with him. She doesnt want to do anything in particular other than stay in her room.

We're looking at another care home tomorrow to see if that meets her needs better. No idea if we are doing the right thing and DH has had to demand that BIL gets involved in the decision making.

@Choux
This is what terrifies me...mum could live another 10 years - ditto pils - with ever increasing frailty and complex medical issues 😕

I'm also in the dreading how long mum could live with Alzheimer's camp. She's 88, 5 years post diagnosis, 8 years since we noticed and gradually needing more and more support but still the only personal care is massaging her legs with E45 due to very dry skin. So far it's admin, maintenance and keeping her out of trouble.

I couldn't agree more about a care home sometimes just objectively being the best place for the elderly person, even without factoring in the impact on family. Particularly with something like dementia where needs can change very quickly and even if they don't medically 'need' 24/7 care they often get distressed if they don't have someone on hand to give them assistance when they want it. In a care home as well as having equipment on hand there is always someone around to reassure patients if they are getting distressed, which with DM is usually all she needs but is not something that a few visits a day and family fitting care around work can possibly do.

Just had a call from the dietetic service...mums been "on their books" for 2 years and hasn't been seen f2f 🤬
So, they are coming out in a couple of weeks

That is dreadful @Raven08

Awful service. We had similar with the LA continence service. Nearly 2 years on the waiting list to have a cathetar fitted, by the time they got round to dad he'd been moved to the care home.

Agree with all that @teaandbigsticks .

My experience of dementia with DM and DMIL has been how it can progress in sudden steps. The need for support can suddenly increase. No overnight care needed then suddenly the person turns into a nocturnal wanderer. This could be just within the home or out of the door and down the street.

In a CH this change in need can be managed. In the person's own home? Now you need someone not just to stay, but be awake.

@Choux I know how you feel.

My DDad died of cancer so we had him as a person until the end. My DMum is in a CH with dementia and she is so well cared for she could live for years but I’m losing my Mum.

In both cases I have had the time to start grieving ahead of time, which helps, but somehow it’s much harder with my Mum.

This is why this thread is so helpful as it makes us feel less alone.

This. So much this.

Mum has severe diverticulitis, along with all her other co-morbidities
She nearly died 3 years ago from diverticular sepsis
The only info we have had is from me going on the nhs website 🤷‍♀️
I can sense I'm going to have to start phoning around and getting referrals in place, but I just can't face it this week 😕

And this is possible because doctors insist on treating all the medical complaints the dementia patients have.
Longstanding things which would have gradually killed them off.
Antibiotics for every infection that appears.

It's ridiculous. SMH.

Mind you, a lot of male relatives seem to expect this. The female ones are more realistic and pragmatic IME.

My beloved aunt and uncle both died of cancer some years ago.
How fucking twisted is it that I almost envy my cousins? 😕 That their parents were themselves right up to the end, they could talk about what they wanted, make plans, spend quality time together.
No watching someone's body rot, agonisingly slowly.
I don't mean to sound disrespectful, or upset anyone, but honestly? The way I feel atm, mum could well outlive me.
Her sisters have all lived to late 80s/90s with very serious health issues 😕
God, I'm tired

Just popping in to say hallo and deliver chocolate biscuits. 🌻

Not my DM. She insists that my poor DF have every vaccination, antibiotic and treatment offered. She's relentless in making sure he eats and drinks.

He has extremely advanced Alzheimer's, can do nothing for himself - can't move or speak, and would absolutely hate to have ended up like this. DM has POA, DSis and I have given up talking to DM about this. There's something quite twisted in the way that she seems determined to keep him in this horrible state for as long as possible. She visits every day, and gets praise and credit from staff and other visitors as being a devoted and loving wife. When he was fit and well she was less loving and often quite rude and disparaging to and about him.

@Seeingadistance
I'm sorry, that miat be do hard to witness.
Choose your POAs carefully, folks 😕

They did a respect form for mum whilst she was in hospital.
I will admit to relief at noticing dnr was chosen.
Having performed (unsuccessful) cpr on a dearly loved family member, it's not something I'd ever want.
I won't go into detail, but when done correctly on a frail person, it causes damage 😕💔

I think many of us feel like that and at least we can air it here without fear of reproach.

I am also losing patience with friends giving helpful advice. Aye right I am sure DF will willingly agree to go into a care home with DM so DH and I can actually have a two week holiday without being on edge the whole time. It is unfortunately a little difficult as DF insists there is nothing wrong with him and currently is deemed to have capacity so sadly no I can’t force him. No I am not sure explaining how I am worried about them to either of them would help as due to their dementia they have no ability for empathy any more. Yes I do realise that it’s still my dear old DM in there and I am trying to do my best by her, it is a little tricky to remember this when she phones multiple times about the same thing and shouts at me, but I am working on it. Well do let me know if you have any bright solutions that would help. Yes it’s probably best if we change the subject.

Oh yes and DM having been a doctor is most insistent that DF and she receive all the medical investigations and appointments available to them, regardless of how relevant they are. At least she has stopped insisting that DF (92) should get a dodgy mole on his face investigated.

@rookiemere
Oh, man. That's hard. You are far more polite than I would be!
I think that's another aspect that would shock people - she may be my mum but she wasn't a very good one (at least, not to me)
I could write chapter and verse about the expectations on an eldest daughter of an Irish catholic mother, but I'm sure some of you know/can guess.
Add in a male youngest child, and..yeah.
I don't love her. She doesn't love me. But she trusts me, and she is vulnerable, frail and ill. So I do my best by her.
But I feel so sorry for those of you who love your mother's/had a good relationship with them. It must be so hard 💔

@rookiemere
I've got 3 holidays/breaks booked this year 😬
It'll be interesting.
Mum usually ends up in hospital/at the drs/urgent care whenever I go on holiday (normally once per year..)

Feeling sorry for myself this evening I've had a wobbly front tooth and I have a vastly expensive treatment plan organised with a private dentist. Despite all of this the tooth decided to fall out this evening. I have a number of unavoidable social and work occasions to get through with no front tooth which is just mortifying. On the plus side I've just saved myself £170 for the tooth extraction.