Advice on where to start with elderly father

[YouSayTomatoISayTomato]

Hi all, I'm just wondering if anyone has any advice or experience that could help me please.
My dad (early 80s) has lived at the other end of the country (think far north Scotland) for around 30 years. He's recently had a health scare and has decided he needs to come back to the UK to be close to me and my brothers (3 of us in total). No discussion, he's decided. He has form for previously appearing unannounced and staying indefinitely, so we're determined this won't happen, especially as he's ill and needs looking after. I was wondering how to go about sourcing housing for him - I know of a few housing associations places for elderly people but have no idea how he gets in - is it just a matter of space, and he pays to live somewhere? He lives in his own little bubble and thinks he can stay with me but he can't- not for longer than a couple of days, we don't have the space and we're out all day at work anyway so couldn't look after him. Has anyone been through similar, or have any suggestions? Would be really grateful! Just to add, we don't have a great relationship as he moved up North when we were young and it suited him fine until he decided he needs us! So I may come across as unsympathetic due to that!

Does he have the means to purchase? He won’t get in any sheltered accommodation without living in the county for some time

I'm honestly not sure - he owns a house and is talking about selling, but obviously that takes time and he's saying he's travelling in the next week! He has some savings (around 30k I think) and a pension.

It depends where I live over 55s flats are the only ones without waiting lists or a bidding process. Rent is cheap too about £300 a month. Once in it’s generally pretty easy to set up carers as they are attending next door. Does he have property he’d need to sell up North?

That's the set up my mother in law is in - independent flat in a complex with wardens and carers if needed. Ideally that's what he needs i think. Yes he has a house he needs to sell but I think he could afford to rent using his savings in the meantime. Maybe I research those kinds of accommodations near me to begin with.

He will not get social housing in a new area as he has not been living there. Does he live in social housing now?

No, he's living in his own (mortgaged) house now.

Think you need to stand firm here - this sounds like it could get messy quickly - for instance, who’s looking after his house in Scotland to get it ready to sell / make it online with occupancy insurance?

Has he been living in the UK recently or not? If so has he been receiving any care from the local authority where he lives now? I'm confused as you say he's been living in Scotland but is coming back to the UK.

Sorry for the confusion - trying not to be too outing! He's been living off the Scottish coast, he wants to come back to England.

I agree that I need to stand firm, if I don't, he'll turn up and never leave!

I have no idea how he's planning on sorting out his house that he's currently living in.

He's not thinking any of this through which is why me and my brothers are trying to!

Don’t let him come to “visit” as he will never leave!! Make that clear to him and your brothers that that will not be happening and he needs to sort out housing and in a place that has 24 hour wardens etc before he comes too

Yes this is exactly what will happen! And it can't happen! Hence why we're doing our best to get things sorted or at least planned before he comes. But he carries on regardless!

For social housing he'd almost certainly need to be resident in the area in order to be eligible. For private rental or purchase it's much like any other private housing - with the caveat that private 'retirement village' type places often have very restrictive terms and horrific service charges.

Best to start with a rental while he works out where he wants to be and what his specific needs are.

If relationships are as strained as they sound and he's selfish and arrogant enough to impose on you with no discussion, don't do any work or planning for him at all. Don't make yourself useful or make him dependent on you in any way right now. Ask him what his plan is, tell him which bits won't work and suggest he'll need to think again on, and let him get on with it. If he has savings and a pension he'll sort himself out. If he asks for specific help in sorting his accommodation, by all means move things along as you're able to, but let him drive it. This is the precident for what will be expected

Turn your spare room into an office. Dismantle the bed. "So sorry, no spare room, you'll have to book a hotel if you'd like to visit". Wait until the uncertainty of living arrangements has passed before you open up your lives, hearts and home. And when you do, have iron clad boundaries!

Thanks for the great advice. He's definitely imposed before and doesn't think there's any reason why we wouldn't want him here indefinitely! Our situation has changed since last time he visited so our spare room is a tiny box room not big enough for an adult for more than a couple of days at most, but I know if we allow that it'll be impossible to get him out, so we need a long term plan. He's found some random friend that we don't know who apparently has space for him to stay indefinitely, so I'm hoping he'll be able to stay there until we/he can get something sorted. I think we need to look at where he wants to live and what options are available there.

I agree with pp why help him create a situation that inconveniences you. Any time/help given will be expected and will increase every week, do not take any responsibility. Don't sort anything leave it to him and his friend. You also need to manage his expectations by being clear you will not be doing xyz visiting, hosting, Sunday lunches, his shopping, laundry etc. because in his mind you are already earmarked to cater to his needs. I have seen it happen to friends. It is easier to say no now, once enmeshed everything becomes a negotiation.
My mum was the same.
They have lived their lives selfishly but all of a sudden family becomes important 🤔 it's manipulative.

Thank you, I completely agree. Now that he suddenly needs help, he's desperate to love close to us after decades of not.
We've had a chat to him and told him that he needs to get his situation and needs assessed and then look at the most suitable accommodation. What he wants is probably very different to what he needs!

One of the hardest bits of advice I got on here was to let them make their own decisions and deal with the consequences. Once you step in just to give advice or help, you have in their mind accepted responsibility. It wears you down.
My mum was an alcoholic and I was neglected as a child. I couldn't believe that in her later years she thought I should give her the care I never received!!! I felt no obligation to become her carer.

I'd be filling the box room with stuff so it's uninhabitable.

I hope his friend can put him up.

Very similar, my dad wasn't present regularly, didn't see us regularly and never helped financially. So I owe him nothing!

I think he's slowly accepting that he needs more help than we can offer, it's getting the living situation sorted out that we need to help him with, somehow without being too involved or giving the impression that we'll be helping a lot!

His friend can, and will, I've spoken to them both today. So that's good. Itsalso become apparent how much help he'll need, which is way more than I can provide. He needs someone there during the day - I'll be at work! So no danger of him landing at mine.

You could ring your local branch of Citizens advice or Age UK for advice on housing. Well done for not letting him move in!

OP, you say there is “no danger of him landing at mine” - but if he did, could you actually turn him away? I never cease to be amazed by the entitlement of the older male - a dear friend lives on the opposite side of the world from her father, yet he seriously expected her to give up work and come back to look after him! As it is, she has him for several months every year. You’ve said your DF will need help during the day - who is going to organise that? Will his friend be able to, or will he expect you to? It might be easier to get something in place before the friend gets to the position of thinking that they can’t cope with him. And if he needs help, how has he been managing where he is? Who is going to take care of/sell his house? This move on his part all sounds very impulsive and ill-thought through. Good luck, OP - I fear you’re going to have to don your hard hat and be tough in order that your boundaries are not encroached on.

He has no transport or way of getting to me independent, so he can't just turn up (he has in the past!)
What my brothers and I are being very firm on is that we don't have the capacity to care for him full time (he has a "girlfriend" who may or may not be joining him - another issue!) and even the friend who he's going to stay with said he needs proper carers. He said today he wants to get a social worker, I have no idea if you can get one just like that?!
I think his health has deteriorated quickly which is why he wanted to get back to his family. His girlfriend was caring for him but obviously not that much as she hasn't come with him!
It has been very impulsive and he's done exactly what we told him not to - make the journey without a plan in place first!

The whole situation is ridiculous and it's not a situation that I wanted to be in. As usual, he's thinking selfishly.

Would he not be better to stay in Scotland and get social care support? It's not means tested there for one thing.

I'd make it clear you're not going to care for him

At his own home he is entitled to adult social services to do an assessment of care.

If he is deteriorating fast he may be better off looking for a nursing home/assisted living. My understanding is the local authority will help with that in his home town, social services are too stretched to help visiting oldies. Same for assisted warden accommodation he will have more chance in his home town.

He would be better off back at his home. He has not been father/family to you so no point him moving back to family, what he wants doesn't exist.

For now at his friend's he can phone care companies and book private care that he can fund from his savings. Depending on area it is around £75 a day for 2x20 minutes to help get up, wash, dress, do meds and ready for bed evening. Live in care 1k+ a week.

It is going to be an absolute shit show. How is his friend going to manage looking after him. He is definitely expecting you to step up. I would not take his calls anymore.