Managing POA from a distance

[Paperwhite209]

I'm currently my mum's POA and executor but am planning to relocate next year and will be moving a couple of hundred miles away.

Mum is concerned about whether I'll be able to manage her affairs from a distance if needs be and is talking about changing her POA and replacing me as executor.

I don't see the need for this as I'm sure most things can be done by phone or online, and obviously I'd take time out from work as and when needed to do whatever needed doing.

Has anyone got experience of managing this kind of thing so I can put mums mind at rest (or be enlightened that it would be an absolute nightmare).

I managed my parents affairs from 220 miles away for quite a while. I’m an only child. My mother died 2 years ago & my father in April. I never had an issue.

Does she understand the difference between having a POA and being a carer? The POA isn’t about being the one to provide hands-on care. And by that I’d include driving her to medical appointments, doing the shopping, cooking, cleaning.
POA, the financial one, means managing her financial affairs along the lines she intended. So making sure bills are paid, savings are looked after responsibly and she has the money she needs for day-to-day spending. You don’t need to see or live near the person to do this, although it can be a pain to set up initially, especially whilst all the financial paperwork is still going to her address. Some can be done online, some you might need to visit a branch to get it set up - that might be impractical if it’s eg a local building society.

There’s no need to live nearby to be an executor. Although it does affect the choices you might make. Eg it probably isn’t practical to try and clear the house yourself over a long period of time so you might need to blitz it using annual leave or a house clearance company. It can be problematic leaving a house empty for a period of time but you can pay someone to check on it.

Thanks for the replies. Mum is very 'with it' has always handled all the finances and we cares for my dad through Covid when he was placed on end of life due to a previous severe injury so she's aware of the difference.

She's pretty competent on the computer and does her banking online. I think she's just not quite gotten her head around how much can be done virtually and is inclined to worry. She currently pays some of her bills the old school way rather than via direct debit for instance.

As for the house, my mum is basically the lovechild of Hyacinth Bucket and the inventors or Swedish Death Cleaning. I could probably clear the house single handed in under a week if I had to!

This is reassuring as I'm also an only. It's myself and 21yo DD (also an only) who are the POA iirc.

The only way my mum would surrender control of her admin and finances is if she physically couldn't do what was needed or was so mentally incapacitated she was oblivious to me taking over.

Since at 86 she's living solo, doing her shopping and banking online, does her own cleaning, gardening and DIY and has a fancy man 16 years her junior, I'm cautiously optimistic that we may never need the POA!

With the internet now, you could be in Australia and it wouldn't make any difference.

@Joeninety that's pretty much what I was trying to tell her but she won't take my word for anything!

And is a chronic over thinker.

My mum is 92. I live a couple of hours away and am her POA. She chose to have the finances start immediately so I just do stuff remotely. DWP stuff comes to me either posted or emailed and I'm on banking online so keep an eye out. I do her insurance, check gas/electric suppliers remotely and just sorted council tax exemption all from my house.

I managed my father's financial affairs from over 400 miles away and the other side of a sea. And that was a few years back when things weren't quite as well set up for doing everything remotely.

I manage my dad's affairs from 100 miles away. (2.5 hours due to lack of dual carriageway Edinburgh to Newcastle!!)
I do his online shopping, pay his cleaner and other people. I have his NHS app on my phone if I need it. I visit every 4-6 weeks depending on my commitments here. My brother is further away near London but he could do stuff too. Also the executor stuff easy from a distance once started.
Who would replace you in these positions if she wanted to. You don't want anyone that you might not get on with.

I am in the early stages of acting as POA for my DF who has had to go into a nursing home. I agree it can mostly be done remotely and fortunately he kept good records and all the bills were on DD (mum is still in the family home but utterly useless with finances and I am POA for her too although using it with a lighter touch). The main issue I have had is that they did very little online so I have had to go and search out paperwork at their house. So all the day to day stuff I can see from online banking which companies they have eg utilities and insurance with, but Dad has old ISAs etc with only paper records and I have had to travel back from time to time (it’s not that far for me fortunately) to find boxes of paperwork.If your mum does a lot online and is organised that should hopefully help. As does being single, I am finding separating my parents finances to protect mum’s money from dad’s care fees complicated.

The eye-opener for me has been how little of it can be done online compare to my own banking, I am spending a lot of time on the phone to various companies. It’s like going back in time 25 years except there are no branches of banks to go to.

DH is executing the will of someone that lived 200 miles from us, the only real problem has been their house, keeping it safe, clearing it, organising valuations etc, he has been travelling up and down a fair bit.

I would encourage your DM to put all of her bills onto DD. She may enjoy having a reason to get out of the house, but if that changes it’s easier to have it done.
Has she given you a list of any savings accounts she has? It’s good to get the POA registered well before you need it, as if you do there will be many other things to do.

I do PoA from 400 miles away and have been executor now 3 times from the same distance. It's fine.

I would suggest getting a trusted person on the ground to do stuff in person in an emergency - in my case this has involved moving the hospital bag to the hospital, zimmer frame to hospital, shoes to hospital as all have been left behind at various points, reinstalling apps on TV, ipad and iphone.

I rely on a network of cleaner, neighbours and my friends' teenagers (I pay them all except the neighbours who get copiously rewarded with wine).

My parents live(d) 250 miles away. When dad died I was executor for his estate and had to switch all the bills etc over to mum, who I have POA for.

As others have said the financial side of things is easy to handle online from a distance - they did have some old fashioned building society passbook accounts that required me to visit the branch, but I've now arranged it so that I can electronically transfer money to and from them into her main bank account.

The main problem I've found is the other non-POA support functions that need a physical presence - changing batteries in the remote, transport to and from hospital appointments, shopping etc..... I have some relatives who visit every few weeks and she gets daily meals of wheels, carers twice a day and a weekly cleaner.

I did my Aunt's affairs in West Sussex when I was in Suffolk. You can automate everything and get the mail sent to your home address.

I'm now remaining parent's attorney and in situ, so I do all the daily grunt work. There's no difference tbh on the admin side. Although my sibling is also named in the PoA, they live abroad so I do it alone. I do run the big decisions past them first though.

It does help to have a decent family solicitor on board for any queries and also probate if the Estate is complex.

This is all really helpful.

We're in West Sussex and I'm planning to move to Yorkshire. I've suggested mum comes but she wants to stay where her friends are and everything is familiar.

Day to day she manages fine. She has an amazing next door neighbour in his early sixties who is such a good friend to her, and her best friends of over 40 years who are ten years younger and still very capable.

I have a couple of close friends who would step up in an emergency as a well, and all going well DD will be moving to London when she finishes uni next year so will be a bit closer.

I'm looking for remote working opportunities to maximise flexibility in case of me needing to return at short notice or for a prolonged period.

I'm sure some people will think I'm the devil incarnate for considering such a move, but the last 10 years have been extremely challenging and at 50 I need to do this now for the sake of my health, financial stability and quality of life.

It is very big and very scary though!

@Paperwhite209 Every single thing is on line. Sending POA to bank etc is on line. I would encourage all bills are moved to monthly payments and you adjust the monthly amount via you having access to the accounts set up on line. Being remote doesn’t matter.

Id say this is more about your mum
wanting you close and fearing for the future as you will be so far away. A bleak prospect for her when she gets more frail I think. I was 45 mins drive from DM and POA was the least of the issues.

@OhDear111

I think you're right and I'm well aware of the other issues. I cared for my dad after he was put on the end of life pathway 10 days into the first Covid lockdown. He survived for 13 months and whilst he was an easy patient and I adored him, it was the hardest thing I've ever done. To be honest it nearly killed me and I know I can't provide that level of care again - quite apart from anything else Mum is a very different character and we have a different relationship.

That said I want to do as much as I can to support her within the context of the decisions I'm making and I would absolutely put my life on hold and come back for the short-medium term if necessary. I just can't put everything on hold indefinitely anymore.

@Paperwhite209 I do understand that and can see the issues. Presumably dm won’t move? I’ve actually known this to work well but it needs a flexible parent!

@OhDear111

Haha! No flexible does not describe my mum at all, bless her.

I love her, we get on well and always have one another's backs but we are like chalk and cheese and she can be very stubborn.

She also has a ridiculous track record with deciding to move, putting the house on the market, viewing places and then pulling out (only in the early stages) but I'm not pushing her because the logistics would be awful.

Her argument is that even is she moves up North with me, I'll be working full time and she won't have anyone else. Whereas she has a decent social life down here - sees a couple of friends weekly, one fortnightly and has two or three others she catches up with from time to time.

She doesn't particularly enjoy her own company, whereas I am very much an introvert.

If she doesn't see someone at least every third day it's a catastrophe, whereas I can spend a week or more in my alone and it doesn't even register.

Is she happy to share details with her friends who are local and ask for their support if necessary? Is she realistic about who will be around?

Mine chose to move close to friends rather than her dc as she wouldn’t have known anyone else in either area where the dc are (it’s since become clear she thought we’d then either move near her or ignore our jobs/families to support her very regularly!).

The reality is that she’s reluctant to “bother” the friends, doesn’t share concerns or issues with them as she wants to paint her life as positive, uses them to emotionally blackmail us into doing things “Joan’s daughter comes every weekend” and refuses to do things that would make the situation easier eg thinking about how her friends could help in the event of an emergency hospital admission. She prefers to ignore the issue and assume we’ll come running. Also, some of the friends she thought would be around have since become ill, stopped driving or even died!

I don’t think you should put your life on hold and you should go ahead with the move. But be aware of the need for strong boundaries and clear about what you can realistically do.

I dealt with my parents' financial stuff from NZ and they were in Lancashire. I don't think I could have been any further away from them.

I am also an only child and have no other family, except for an uncle in his 90s, and found everything relatively easy to deal with.

It sounds positive that your DM won’t move to be closer otherwise you would find your entire life subsumed by her. Who does she have in mind for POA to replace you with ?

@EmotionalBlackmail yes I'm anticipating a rocky path - my mum already does some of those things and I am two streets away currently.

We had a few really awful years when my dad has his accident, was on EoL and after he passed away which came very close to finishing our relationship so I'm used to having to maintain my boundaries and she is much more respectful of them and me than she used to be.

@rookiemere well she's suggesting her 'boyfriend' which I suspect is an act of manipulation in itself as she is well aware that I can't stand him and don't trust him at all.

The other option would be her neighbour, who is a lovely man and very well suited to the job. However he has a big family of his own and has been having some health issues recently so I think it's a lot to ask.

I just don't see the need for any change. When she brought it up they other day we agreed to park it over Christmas and do some research into how feasible it would be so hopefully she'll see sense.

@Paperwhite209 Older friends will
have their own issues and their own families. They will not be carers and neither will neighbours. You will need to think about paid care eventually. I wasn’t going to be a carer (even though Age uk told me I was!) and paying people to do the role is the only way out. So this needs to be part of the conversation because you obviously won’t be doing it. A frank conversation of what will happen when she needs help in her home is vital. Expect nothing from the state. You will no doubt find this hard. My sisters cleared off years ago and were barely seen. If there’s no relatives nearby you cannot count on anyone else. It won’t happen.