Managing POA from a distance

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I'm currently my mum's POA and executor but am planning to relocate next year and will be moving a couple of hundred miles away.

Mum is concerned about whether I'll be able to manage her affairs from a distance if needs be and is talking about changing her POA and replacing me as executor.

I don't see the need for this as I'm sure most things can be done by phone or online, and obviously I'd take time out from work as and when needed to do whatever needed doing.

Has anyone got experience of managing this kind of thing so I can put mums mind at rest (or be enlightened that it would be an absolute nightmare).

Tbh Mum is hoping (as am I in the nicest possible way) that when her time comes it'll be quick, but obviously there are no guarantees.

One of the reasons I want to make the move now is quite frankly that I've been putting it off for years on the premise that 'by next year it might not be a consideration' and Mum is showing every sign in ploughing on well into her nineties. If I wait to live my life until she passes away it may well be too late for me to do so. I have given up previous opportunities on her account when I was younger and it has taken me until the age of 50 to make peace with those decisions and get over the resulting resentment so I don't want to find myself in a position where it starts up again.

Mum is in a position where she could move to supported living, either here or closer to me if needs be, or pay for in home support if that was her preference and I'm happy to help
organise and support her practically with any of that if needed.

This thread was purely about managing a POA from a distance which is clearly very doable. I'm aware of all the possibilities re future care and issues and that I will have to work around them as and when they come up. What I'm not willing to do anymore is put my life on hold, potentially into my sixties, 'just in case' something goes awry.

Do you know what, I doubt she seriously intends to make her boyfriend POA. Next time she says she wants to change from you, I would affect a breezy unbothered air and murmur “Well whatever you think best dear mother “. She is just using it as a stick to beat you with because she doesn’t want you to move.

On the needing care thing, I imagine she will be the same as pretty much every other elderly person I know. Refuse to accept she needs any support or expect you to provide it, until there is a crisis. She is irked you are moving as at the minute with you close she can maintain the living independently myth for a lot longer without you underneath supporting it all.

@rookiemere I think you're largely correct.

Tbf to her there's not much illusion of independent living. Her next door neighbour will mow her lawns in the summer when he does his but otherwise she's very capable - at the moment anyway.

My input is largely two visits a week for extra company and some tech support! I've got her an Alexa with a screen for Christmas so we can FaceTime easily and she can ask it questions and have it on in the background (instead of the spurious bollocks she has on YouTube currently)!

I 100% do not think you should put your life on hold either, but she seems likely to outlive her friends, my parents have always had big social networks, been members of church, golf club, U3A, but have now outlived most of their friends and stopped going to most of the activities and their circle has shrunk massively. We are gradually doing more odd jobs around their house, more admin, more errands. Paid carers can come in and do personal care but they won’t do all the other stuff, POA can take care of a lot of it but there are times when they need someone actually there. So you may need to factor in travelling back on a fairly regular basis if there is no one else. On the other hand she may never need that level of support. You can’t tell. But my parents were living fully independently 6 months ago and now one is in a nursing home and the other is really struggling, life can change suddenly (in our case as the result of a fall) and not just through decline into old age.

@ExquisiteDecor yes that's a fair point and not dissimilar to what happened with my Dad - he fell down the stairs and broke his back, made a partial recovery (physically) but was never the same mentally and started going irreversibly downhill about a year later.

My current job is demanding, with little to
no flexibility during term time and I'm
having to do a second job to make ends meet, so whilst I'm round the corner I have very little time and even less energy.

I'm hoping to find a fully remote role prior to moving. The move will also reduce my outgoings to it's possible I might even manage with 4 days a week.

The buck stops with me and if I some point I have to rent my future home out and come back for an extended stay then that's just what I'll have to do.

One other thing concerns me slightly (and it must be in the context of me being the type who thrives on company and seeks it out actively every day). If you are moving several hundred miles away, aiming for a fully remote role and are extremely introverted so possibly not going to join groups etc, where is your support going to come from? You have your DD but are you leaving behind friends in your current location and will you keep in touch? Elderly parent care can be tough and while you have MN, real life friendships are invaluable for sharing experiences, sounding off etc.

I already have the beginnings of a network where I'm planning to move, including extended family.

Whilst I am introverted and neurodivergent I am planning to join things!

I am very much not someone who seeks company every day! I was self employed for a while which involved me leaving the house for one afternoon meeting and one morning in the office per week so I have some idea of what to expect.

As it is my workload largely prevents me from having a social life anyway so I think the better work/life balanace I'll gain from moving will give me more time and bandwidth to explore my options in that area.

Oh good! I didn't like the thought of you totally alone. It was that comment about being happy to not see anyone for a week. My adult DD is ND and introvert so I get it but I do think it's important to have some social support even if you have to limit it. I'd love to move to Yorkshire. But probably never will.

My DD equally doesn't know how I cope with my (very) active social
life on top of a highly collaborative non-WFH job. Wouldn't do for us all to be the same. I really hope it all works out for you.

Haha. This is it, my job is so intense I just don't have it in me to be out regularly at the moment.

The main reasons I'm moving are finances and better work/life balance as a result. It's something that's been in my mind for about ten years and I've been seriously looking into for the last three or four.

I've been visiting the area for several years so am friendly with owner of the Air BnB I stay at; am a long-standing member of two Facebook hobby groups one of which is based in the nearest city and the other has several people in the area who would be up for meeting in person.

We have a family friend in the nearest city and I have friends and cousins in the neighbouring counties. One of them runs a ladies hiking group so I'll look into the local branch of that.

I'm also hoping to volunteer for the local arts festival and St John's at some point once I'm settled.

Although I like my space and time alone I'm hoping to expand my social network when I move!

That sounds perfect