Should I / can I intervene?

[Sandflea9900]

My parents are both in their 80s, with gradually declining physical health, and they are also starting to lose agency over the more difficult things in life. The latest such issue is their heating system. The main bedroom radiator in their house isn’t working so they have no heat in their bedroom and it’s freezing in there. It’s making both of them even more unwell.

The problem is that my Dad refuses to get a plumber out. He can’t face trying to find a competent, reliable one, and he refuses to have the system drained to deal with the problem because the plumbing is very old and he claims that all the pipes will burst if the system is power flushed, which he says any plumber will insist on doing. Dad has now moved into my old room to sleep (heating still working), leaving my mum to freeze in the main bedroom. They’ve borrowed an electric heater (at my insistence) but it’s not really enough.

To clarify, this is not an issue of money. They have plenty of savings and could get the whole house replumbed if necessary, Dad just won’t do it. They have a traditional marriage so Mum won’t sort this out herself. I’m furious with my Dad for leaving my mum in this situation.

Any suggestions? I feel helpless, and my Dad won’t listen to me or anyone else regarding this.

Phone and organise one. Tell your dad he asked you too and be there for visit. Compliment him in front of plumber about his good choice eg pretend it’s all his idea!
Sometimes we have to take control of difficult issues even though it’s a change of the dynamic of our relationships. My Nan was the same. Had a little heater rather than get heating fixed and I was terrified it would cause a fire or she would fall over the stupid thing. I did what I said above!

Does the radiator just need bleeding? Or the boiler boosting? You could try both of those quickly and easily when you visit.

Could you ask any neighbours for a plumber recommendation? Then share that with Dad.

could they stay at your for a few days and get into conversation about how they are coping? Or just to observe them over a longer period to see that for yourself?

they won’t want to move from the family home, but is it perhaps too big/too much/too old for them now?

The radiator valve is jammed and probably needs replacing. The rest of the system works ok.

I could source a plumber but Dad won’t let anyone touch the system, so it would be a waste of time unfortunately.

I know they’re not coping, but I can’t force them out of their own home. They’re past the point of downsizing now - the house isn’t big, it’s just not been maintained and thing are starting to fall apart now. I tried having the conversation about downsizing 20 years ago but Dad wouldn’t have it and Mum wouldn’t press the issue with him, and that boat has sadly sailed now.

My dp are a lot like this. This kind of thing would cause them lots of anxiety and they would talk about nothing else while being too paralysed with fear to do anything about it.

I have a bullish sibling who calls the shots with them and often takes over on this kind of thing. I think my parents find it infantilising but are overall grateful for the help. I don’t know if your parents would react the same way or not. It’s very difficult and you have my sympathy.

Could you turn up with a 'friend' who just happens to be a plumber who said they would take a look. They said it could be something as simple as a valve that needs replacing?

You asked if you should intervene, but then say you can't call a plumber because your dad won't let him touch the system. They now have a heater in the cold room, I'm not sure what else we can suggest.

If you arranged a plumber would he really not let them have a look? If what they suggest is too intrusive then he can say no, a plumber cannot 'insist' on doing anything, it's his choice. But it could be something easily sorted out. However if he won't let a plumber across the threshold then there is nothing you can do.

Honestly I don’t know, Dad can be pretty stubborn. I can try and get a plumber there but I don’t want to waste their time if they won’t even let him in the door. Maybe if I pay them a guaranteed call out charge…?

That’s why, like I said, I would just mention they were coming not ask him if it’s ok. He may just find the whole and picking one locally overwhelming. Sometimes age concern and other charities can recommend a good one who may go in sympathetically.

You know your dad best. I think you would have to be there when the plumber calls to have any chance of success.

Do you know a plumber you can call on? My plumber would go round to try to help if I explained the situation, but a random plumber might not. You could assure them you would pay their call out fee but they might still think it was too much hassle. I sympathise, it's hard.

He’s moved into a heated room but left your mum in the unheated main bedroom? What a gent! Is he trying to ensure she gets ill?

You don’t say where they live but in a couple of weeks there will be some sub zero nights even in London. Buy a thermometer and put it in the bedroom. Then show him that older people are supposed to have their house at 18C or 64F and tell him what the temperature is in the bedroom.

He may have had it hard when younger in the war years etc but they are both older now. Cold temperatures can be very dangerous to older people's health as they not only increase the likelihood and severity of flu, chest infections and other respiratory problems but they also raise blood pressure which puts people at greater risk of heart attacks and strokes.

Ask him what his plan is? That they just never have heating until it makes one of them so ill they die?

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/latest-press/archive/over-3-million-older-people-are-concerned-about-staying-warm-in-their-own-home-this-winter/

Do they have mental capacity to make this decision?

If not does anyone have LPOA?

Arrange for your Dad to go out for the day and get a plumber in for an estimate or fix when he’s out.

Does your mother look after him and do all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc? Maybe point out that if she becomes ill, then he'll have to do all that himself or get a housekeeper, as you'll not be able to step in to the breach. It's finding out the pressure points and where the priorities are.

What are their care plans going forward? It might be a good time to have the conversation if you haven't already done so.

Is it a thermostatic valve? If so, they often jam and it's a really easy fix - take the valve cover off and tap the stuck pin a few times with a hammer (not sideways - head on as if hammering in a nail, but not as hard). To prevent it happening again leave the valves open, not closed, through the summer.

I’m sorry, but what a horrible man he is to move into another room with functioning heating while making his wife sleep in the unheated room!

I’d be having words with him about that!

No, it’s a traditional one.

Is it a gas central heating system?
If so then when was it last serviced?
This could be your lead in, it needs servicing for safety reasons and whilst it’s being serviced the plumber/ heating engineer could fix the problem.

I agree it’s probably best if you are there to let the plumber in.

I would lose my shit at my dad leaving his wife, my mum, in a cold room , while making himself comfy in the spare room. I know we all get a bit more self invested as we age , but that is so crass.

So if you get push back, I would be telling him exactly that.

I think you are going to have to turn up with a plumber that you’ve vetted before hand. Ask on local social media, ask colleagues and friends. We have one that works with old systems to repair as opposed to insisting on replacement (which would not fly at all with my parents) so they are out there. They worked on our house first, which is why my parents warmed up to them coming into their house.

Your Dad is however out of line leaving your Mum to freeze

Could you make him feel like it’s positive action to get a plumber in for prevention purposes?
It’s winter, frozen and burst pipes will flood the house if they’ve let part of the house freeze up- and dealing with water everywhere will be a much bigger ordeal emotionally and financially

Just do it anyway.

He is clearly very selfish and cares about nobody but himself.

My family call me a benevolent dictator but I get things done in a timely manner and to a good standard whilst they would fanny about with indecisions.

It's genuinely unsafe not to service the boiler every year. It's a legal requirement to have it inspected in rental property.

The plumber can also look at the central heating system while they are there.

Tell him he's letting your mum freeze and if he doesn't agree to fixing the radiator, you have no option but to make a safeguardomg report to social services.

Yeah I’d be turning up with a plumber. I had a persona I called the ‘bossy daughter’ that I assumed for these eventualities. I was amazed how quickly my mum folded when I pushed back hard enough.

I think I’d be blunt and say that care homes are a lot more expensive than plumbers and that’s where they will end up if they don’t look after their health. So getting the heating sorted is compulsory and not a choice.