Should I / can I intervene?

[Sandflea9900]

My parents are both in their 80s, with gradually declining physical health, and they are also starting to lose agency over the more difficult things in life. The latest such issue is their heating system. The main bedroom radiator in their house isn’t working so they have no heat in their bedroom and it’s freezing in there. It’s making both of them even more unwell.

The problem is that my Dad refuses to get a plumber out. He can’t face trying to find a competent, reliable one, and he refuses to have the system drained to deal with the problem because the plumbing is very old and he claims that all the pipes will burst if the system is power flushed, which he says any plumber will insist on doing. Dad has now moved into my old room to sleep (heating still working), leaving my mum to freeze in the main bedroom. They’ve borrowed an electric heater (at my insistence) but it’s not really enough.

To clarify, this is not an issue of money. They have plenty of savings and could get the whole house replumbed if necessary, Dad just won’t do it. They have a traditional marriage so Mum won’t sort this out herself. I’m furious with my Dad for leaving my mum in this situation.

Any suggestions? I feel helpless, and my Dad won’t listen to me or anyone else regarding this.

Id get a plumber and be there when they come completed ignore your father it isnt his,"bedroom " anymore he moved out.

My parents are like this thankfully they live in social housing so my sibling just phones them if something in the house needs looked at. Atm it is a problem in the bathroom that mum says is fine but it isn't fine, but it will be back and forth for a few weeks and then we will just contact the HA. It is bloody exhausting Op isn't it?

Anyway just phone the plumber.

This. That’s shocking OP and I would pull him up on it. A traditional marriage means the husband taking care of the wife - that is clearly not happening here. I would not be prepared to watch my mum suffer due to my father’s stubbornness.

I'd arrange for him to be out with a family member, maybe you for a coffe/breakfast etc. and have the plumber come in while he's out. I don't know if he will pay the plumber or not, but I'd pay for it myself if I had to. Sometimes being a bit sneaky is OK.

In the meantime could you get a heated electric overblanket for Mum's bed ASAP? They are very safe to use once they have the safety/approved label on. Dreamland is a good brand, I have one and although I've no heating issues, I can't be without it now. Brilliant things. But maybe she has one already.

I meant to say i know your dad is being stubborn and unreasonable but I do think they struggle with the thought of upheaval.

Your dad is being abusive to your mum by moving into a warm bedroom himself and leaving her in the freezing room while continuing to stop you calling a plumber.

If the house hasn't been maintained, more things will go wrong as they get even older. Could you persuade your dad to take out boiler/heating cover with British Gas which includes an annual service. One of my radiators had a similar issue which was fixed during the annual service.

Why is he hoarding all his money when they could live safely and comfortably? What is he wanting to spend it on?

They don't want to spend their money on anything I don't think, they just like having it,

From what the OP has said I'm not sure the issue is an unwillingness to spend money. It sounds more like a reluctance to go through the hassle of finding a plumber, knowing whether to trust what he suggests, and the upheaval which the OP's dad thinks will ensue. That is almost more difficult to overcome, because if it was just money the OP could pay herself.

Tbh I wouldn’t take the plumber in when he isn’t there. It’s bound to take longer than you think and on the off chance that your DF is right and the whole system blows up/collapses, that could be really tricky. Plus it really is not your house! Better to appear with the (carefully briefed) plumber, have the shouting match and then for two Men (probably) to put their heads together over the issue, after which your DF will be able to tell you that his excellent plan to get the heating fixed is going to work.

I’m really horrified that by him moving rooms, your mum’s remaining source of warmth (him) has gone. Perhaps she is rather pleased to have separate bedrooms, but all the same if the shouting match goes so badly that he won’t let the plumber in, I would offer your Mum to have her to stay for a bit, or respite care if nothing else. It’s really dangerous for her.

Sometimes you just need to take over. PIL’s ancient oil tank was on our drive (complicated garden boundary) and started weeping. FIL said he would have a think about it, and (surprise) did nothing. DH walked in one day with a bloke who measured up and quoted to install a new tank on their own patch, and FIL just paid the bill.

Similar when their boiler died earlier this year- FIL needs to think about it, and didn’t call the numbers we gave him, so DH got 2 out to quote, picked one, and FIL paid.

I’d give it the ‘ you wouldn’t want your wife to be cold and unwell, would you?’. Worked for us. Good luck OP.

We had this unwillingness to spend and maintain the property, now property is sold and funds are dwindling paying 1500 per week care fees. Well worth freezing for NOT

This may well be all that’s required- I have to do it on one radiator or another every year after they’ve been off for the summer- it’s common and an easy fix.

In these cases I organise a couple of people with good reviews to look at the problem. When they're actually there and saying what they can do to help it's more positive from DPs. Xxx