Moving in with elderly MIL

[Orangesandlemons77]

We're looking to move ourselves as a family (2 older DC, me and DH) in the next couple of years, considering if MIL (widowed, early 80s) was to sell her large house we could combine to buy a much larger house possible with some kind of 'granny annexe' for her

However I'm having doubts. Firstly I don't get on with her that well. She can be critical and sometimes quite sharp, also negative in her outlook.

Very stubborn and set in her ways, won't take meds and won't consider doing things like PoA.

Also, this sounds awful, but I don't feel that I love her. I do DH and the DCs, but think to care for someone full time you really need to have that shared history and love them properly.

I don't mind going for coffee with her occasionally but feel that is about enough for me. I have a chronic illness myself too and late 40s, going through menopause.

With house prices as they are might have the teen DC at home as well for a fe years yet to think about as well.

Background is I am NC with my own mum, both my mum and dad have / had mental health problems (dad died last year) and were divorced, think I have a bit of cPTSD from growing up as well which I need to address.

I guess I am looking for some validation that I am doing the right thing to say no to this. MIL also has 3 children herself including 2 other siblings to DH neither of whom are working and both of whom have large houses with a spare room for her if she needed to stay with them for a while.

Oh well done!

Ridiculous, completely unnecessary. Your husband will send her to care if she needs to be in care or organise carers.

I wonder who is this husband who can just assume I am going to be HIS mother's carer. My one, yes, another story. But his?

I did say to him "How would you like to look after my mum then?" to get the point across

Place we are looking in is a bit further away from hers than we are at present. She will still be close to SIL though, and her husband.

Glad you came to this decision op. It'd likely result in massive additional stress and strain on you all, especially on dc as the whole dynamic of their home changes. Then there's the difficulty of trying to get any support further down the line (either from authorities or wider family) because you are considered the default carer. Once you commit there's no going back and the affect on the whole family takes a long time to get over.

Don’t do it. Combining your finances through property ownership will put you in a potentially very difficult situation when she died / if she needed to move to a care home etc. and would need careful legal / tax advice. Your DH having other siblings would make this situation great for dispute and arguments once your MIL’s will was considered and implemented. Nothing like families and wills to set up arguments and resentments over money - despite the best of intentions at the time.

As well as financial difficulties caring for someone is not easy , and that’s when you are close to them. I really wouldn’t do it. Sounds simple in theory but in practice is fraught with difficulties, practical and emotional. I’m also guessing that in the event of care being needed as the female in the house the default position will be you becoming the main carer.

Just because MIL has a granny annexe doesn’t mean she will stay in it. Chances are she would be in your part of the house more than her own.

Don’t do it. And you need to tell your DH now that you will NOT be providing care for her. He’ll probably change his tune if he realises the care is going to be up to him.

Hell no! I’m 45 mins from my elderly mother and that is too close. Seriously regret not having emigrated when younger…….

I grew up in a set up similar to this and there is absolutely no way I’d even consider doing the same to my own children.

It stops you having any kind of family life as everything ends up arranged around the needs of the elderly person.

OP, just no. It sounds like a really nice idea, but it’s such an imposition, and your MIL would be round in your house all the time. You would find that when your in-laws came to visit her, they will all come round to yours and expect to be fed and entertained - that’s what happened to my DM when she built an annexe for her DMIL. We could never visit without DGM popping round on some pretext or other, and when my DM went on holiday, one of us had to come and house-sit to make sure everything was OK and to keep an eye on DGM. When DGM got very old and rather confused, my DM ended up being her carer - and DGM hated it whenever DM came to visit me and my DSis’s. It’s a lovely idea, but the actuality is sadly anything but.