Moving in with elderly MIL

[Orangesandlemons77]

We're looking to move ourselves as a family (2 older DC, me and DH) in the next couple of years, considering if MIL (widowed, early 80s) was to sell her large house we could combine to buy a much larger house possible with some kind of 'granny annexe' for her

However I'm having doubts. Firstly I don't get on with her that well. She can be critical and sometimes quite sharp, also negative in her outlook.

Very stubborn and set in her ways, won't take meds and won't consider doing things like PoA.

Also, this sounds awful, but I don't feel that I love her. I do DH and the DCs, but think to care for someone full time you really need to have that shared history and love them properly.

I don't mind going for coffee with her occasionally but feel that is about enough for me. I have a chronic illness myself too and late 40s, going through menopause.

With house prices as they are might have the teen DC at home as well for a fe years yet to think about as well.

Background is I am NC with my own mum, both my mum and dad have / had mental health problems (dad died last year) and were divorced, think I have a bit of cPTSD from growing up as well which I need to address.

I guess I am looking for some validation that I am doing the right thing to say no to this. MIL also has 3 children herself including 2 other siblings to DH neither of whom are working and both of whom have large houses with a spare room for her if she needed to stay with them for a while.

Don't do it.

No. Financially it’s very unwise and emotionally it’s a non-starter.

Don't do it. How would finances be sorted? There's 3 other siblings to share her estate.
She needs to get poa and will (?) sorted too despite her stubbornness

Don't do it. When she needs full time care, or a care home, how will she pay for it if her money is tied up your house? Also inheritance will be super messy if you have combined financial resources. Sounds like you don't really like her, and if, as most things in life go, you as a woman will end up her carer. Either get things straight legally re inheritance, strict guides on roles and responsibilities, or just say no thanks

Absolutely do not do this

Another vote for 'Absolutely not. No way. No how. Just No.'

Financial and logistical nightmare, even for someone you love and get on with. Total non-starter for someone you don't.

Thanks. It's not going to work is it. I forgot to mention, just been through the last few years of dad's dementia, arranging carers, AA etc and a care home on his final months, even from a distance that was very emotionally draining, as well as DH's dealth during the covid years. So do have an inkling of what can be involved

No way. I know someone who did similar and she’s getting divorced now

I agree with everyone else who’s already posted and no doubt everyone who’s going to post.

Don’t do it!

Even if you had a wonderful relationship this kind of living situation is a minefield of financial, legal, health and emotional issues.

Don’t do it!

An obvious non-starter.

Why are you even considering this? Is it to get a bigger house yourselves?

Why are you thinking about doing this? Has your DH suggested it? How much care / time does he plan to spend on her?

I think we are considering it as DH feels sorry for her and worries about what might happen to her in the future. Also he doesn't think one of his sisters wants to deal with her (note focus on the women caring, hmm)

Absolutely not. Apart from the things you've mentioned, if she has to go into a care home you could find yourselves needing to buy her share if the house or worse still having to sell up

FUCK. NO.

This with bells on.

I live next door to mine. MIL was a wonderful lady. FIL is a different kettle of fish, and I would end up inside if I had to live with him.

Even loving someone deathly, living with and caring for them can be draining, but as you say, without the reservoir of good memories , it would be torture for me.

By all means help her downsize to somewhere close by, but have your own space.

Don't do it, you're being primed to be her full time carer!

Yes, this. You've already noticed that his sister is the person expected to do care and has had to come out and say no. If MIL moves in with you, it will fall to you. Plus all the other care and funding complications mentioned above. Find her a smaller place near you.

I love my MIL, we get on great but I would not want to live with her - it's just too big an ask. If her care needs increase and she needs help dressing, bathing etc, your DH is going to look to you, as a woman, to help her.

Find her a smaller place near you.

I'm actually not sure that would work either as could see me still being expected to care for her. Maybe I need to say that, too.

Your MiL needs to look forward and consider what her future needs might be. You should not be part of the care equation. If you live in the same house I bet all care and admin will fall to you but it will never be good enough. This is divorce or a murder charge territory.

What they all said.
Your first responsibility is to yourself. Ask yourself in what way this arrangement will enhance YOUR life, and start there.

Thanks all, you're giving me the confidence to say no to this!

We moved MIL in during covid. I was completely tied to the house up until around 10 30 and we could not go out as a couple. Do not do it.

Don't do it.

She has a large asset in the form of a house. She has choices. Whether knowingly or not, your DH sees this as an opportunity to enhance his families assets at the expense of his siblings under the guise of "looking after his mother in her old age" with zero impact to him as you will pick up the slack.

You have a chronic illness and commitments already. Do you work or is this why your DH assumes that care of granny will fall to you? Because she'll be no bother.....