Moving in with elderly MIL

[Orangesandlemons77]

We're looking to move ourselves as a family (2 older DC, me and DH) in the next couple of years, considering if MIL (widowed, early 80s) was to sell her large house we could combine to buy a much larger house possible with some kind of 'granny annexe' for her

However I'm having doubts. Firstly I don't get on with her that well. She can be critical and sometimes quite sharp, also negative in her outlook.

Very stubborn and set in her ways, won't take meds and won't consider doing things like PoA.

Also, this sounds awful, but I don't feel that I love her. I do DH and the DCs, but think to care for someone full time you really need to have that shared history and love them properly.

I don't mind going for coffee with her occasionally but feel that is about enough for me. I have a chronic illness myself too and late 40s, going through menopause.

With house prices as they are might have the teen DC at home as well for a fe years yet to think about as well.

Background is I am NC with my own mum, both my mum and dad have / had mental health problems (dad died last year) and were divorced, think I have a bit of cPTSD from growing up as well which I need to address.

I guess I am looking for some validation that I am doing the right thing to say no to this. MIL also has 3 children herself including 2 other siblings to DH neither of whom are working and both of whom have large houses with a spare room for her if she needed to stay with them for a while.

Your dh has no intention of caring for her. It will be all down to you to sort out the meals, the domestic niggles, shopping, doctors, hospital, physio, chiropdody, dentist. You will be the one dealing with the incontinence pads and breaking your back helping her in and out of bed and the shower.

Dh will make her a cup of tea and act like a hero. Sisters will take her for “respite” but practically do nothing to help rest of year and expect you to organise it all and thank them for “helping” you when you need a holiday.

And then you will discover they argue about inheritance because you’ve pooled mil’s cash to buy your house and you’ll have to sell your home to pay the sisters their inheritance.

Don’t do it.

I'm not working no, in fact I'm on PIP due to my illness. (Which Mil doesn't think exists)

I hadn't even thought about the inheritance / money issues, sounds like a total can of worms! To be honest, it has just been a short conversation while looking at houses online about whether her moving in could be an option.

But hopefully be nipping that one in the bud!

🔊
⚠️DON'T DO IT⚠️

Who would the caring fall to? Because if there’s an annexe and your husband does the caring that’s one thing. If you’re expected to get involved then no.

NOOOOOOOOOO

DO NOT DO THIS!!!.

Nooooooooooooooooo

Caring for someone is soul destroying and utterly exhausting, and that is if you love them. You don't even get on with her. DH can feel bad all he wants, but he is not going to take on the bulk of the work clearly.

No. Don’t do it.

honestly dont do it. it will be your worst decision ever. I look after my mum who i love very much and get on well with but dementia is cruel and has changed her personality. Im struggling to cope. Your MIL has other children who can share responsibility. Its not down to you.

Big mistake. You will resent her, and the situation. Please don’t do it.

Is she going to give you the value of her house with no strings of it being part of her estate to share with DH's siblings? Does she have savings to pay for a care home if necessary or is the deal that your family will look after her and she won't need to go into a home ever?

You would definitely have to have a granny annex or some separate living space as it sounds like sharing a kitchen so to speak would not work. It really needs the right property and careful thought. If your DH is keen you need to point out that it's his mother and most of the looking after will be up to him, it is a lot to ask of you if you don't get on well with MIL and have trauma from not getting on with your parents as well.

It's a family decision but you have to know exactly what you would be getting into. We did think of doing something similar with my MIL but in the end she didn't want to move, which presented it's own problems.

You don’t like her enough to do this, don’t.

No. If she is happy to move then somewhere manageable and spend some of the downsizing money on setting things up for her, cleaner etc. maybe altering the place to make it easier to live in. Don’t move in with her. SILs won’t help.

I do have a friend whose PIL had FILs mother living with them. That seemed to work for them. She had a separate annex. They went on holiday a lot and she went into a home every time and I got the impression she was very easy going though and her and friends MIL got on well.

Do not do this! It is folly of the highest order.

Nope. Do not do it. If she has to go into care, the value of her house will be taken into account and if you benefitted from her moving in, your house may have to be sold - both to pay for care and for any inheritance issues.
I told my DH and his brother that no one would control me having to sell my home, so I wouldn't live with her. And I WILL NEVER , EVER PROVIDE PERSONAL CARE FOR HIS MUM.
I even added, would he be happy wiping my mother's bottom and supporting her naked in the shower.
I don't think they realised how "intimate" personal care was, imagining me sitting with tea and cake discussing crafts as we do.

His mum is in a nursing home now, bedbound, with vascular dementia and Alzheimers, and diabetes, and copd, and crohns, and heart failure, and loss of sight and loss of hearing, and doubly incontinent. He is happy we did not sell and move in together, but even now, I still have to prod him to even go visit her, so I am pleased I laid my line in the sand early on.

Ah, they'll all decide it should be you doing the brunt of it then.

Would SILs expect their husbands to care for MIL? Nooo! So why is your DH expecting you to?

We moved in with my parents over 30 years ago. DF died and I slowly became carer to DM. I loved her so much but in the last 6 months or so before the crisis that meant she went into hospital and then a home I honestly didn't like much. We were close - going on holiday together, looking after my DC, just doing everything we could to support each other but as her mobility decreased and her cognitive abilities faded it got harder and harder.

It's nearly 18 months since she died and I miss her so much but don't do it.

Update. I've told DH that I don't want to be MILs carer and I don't think it would work out living with her. He said fair enough.

We're just looking at houses for the four of us now. Three bedroom. Which is fine.

Good point. I'll mention that if needs be!

Every woman I know that’s done this has ended up on antidepressants.
A care home is what will happen to her. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

No, no and no. Might look good on paper but will be a nightmare for you in reality.

You do need to say this, very clearly.
Your husband ought to get it out of his head, too.
He also needs to realise that caring shouldn't only be done by women.
He's being very misogynistic.
I find that more outrageous than the thought of your moving in with a woman you don't even like much.