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Elderly parents

Father in law won’t pay

77 replies

ItsDdayalloveragain · 02/11/2025 23:11

me and my husband are in a dilemma as to what to do with my father in law who is refusing to pay for his wife’s care. Basically, mother in law is 88, had a fall at home, taken to hospital 8 weeks ago, and 3 weeks ago was transferred to a care home for assessment. She has undiagnosed dementia which nose dived following her fall. Nothing was broken when she hit the floor but she is incredibly unstable and now shuffles with a walking frame. My father in law, has and is a tight arse. We are talking about having no heating on to save money and sitting in a coat, eating food that’s gone off etc. They live in a rented house and pay full rent due to their savings being £160k. Me and my husband believe that mother in law is looked. After well in a care home as she’s warm, fed and has her meds regularly, she is supervised and checked in on regularly. But he wants her home, he says he’s not paying for care and is now trying to hide the money in different accounts to avoid fees. We have explained it’s 50/50 her money and it’s a deprivation of assets. He doesn’t care and said their (social services) are not having it. Any idea on what we can do to ensure mother in law has the care she needs? He is a very unloving and uncaring husband- no different to how he’s been the 40 years I’ve known him!

OP posts:
Guidanceplease20 · 05/11/2025 19:59

ItsDdayalloveragain · 05/11/2025 19:42

Thank you, we found this reassuring! Hopefully the best outcome will happen, but they say nobody ever goes straight from hospital to a care home…. I find this hard to believe

Well they asked me why i didnt want Dad to go direct as we had been planning a move before he fell ill.

So they wanted him to!

I only fought it because the home we had picked couldnt meet his needs and i wanted some rehab time first. Which we got with using a community hospital stay then rehab carers at home ...... so then he has gone into the right care home for him, not a random nursing home too early.

Every story is different but they do push for a resolution when someones medically fit. Understandably.

ItsDdayalloveragain · 05/11/2025 20:03

Guidanceplease20 · 05/11/2025 19:59

Well they asked me why i didnt want Dad to go direct as we had been planning a move before he fell ill.

So they wanted him to!

I only fought it because the home we had picked couldnt meet his needs and i wanted some rehab time first. Which we got with using a community hospital stay then rehab carers at home ...... so then he has gone into the right care home for him, not a random nursing home too early.

Every story is different but they do push for a resolution when someones medically fit. Understandably.

Edited

I see thanks. Yes they are saying she’s medically fit and can go home. But strangely they haven’t sent her packing….. so we are grateful for every single day extra she has in the care home because she looks so much better and happier!

OP posts:
CandidLurker · 05/11/2025 20:05

ItsDdayalloveragain · 05/11/2025 19:42

Thank you, we found this reassuring! Hopefully the best outcome will happen, but they say nobody ever goes straight from hospital to a care home…. I find this hard to believe

Definitely has happened with my uncle he ended up in hospital on a Friday night after an incident of wandering. He was taken to hospital as it clearly seemed from his physical state like he had had a fall outside somewhere.

from there me and the other LPA agreed due to his home circumstances that we would not agree to him being sent home and we have both stuck to that…

it’s been hard for other reasons, the other LPA feels guilty as more emotionally close, but we both agree there is no other option now but a care home.

the funding side is easier for us as we both recognise he will have to self fund including the sale of his home, until he runs out of his own money.

but we have followed SS process and he is in a care home from their own list.

Guidanceplease20 · 05/11/2025 20:12

ItsDdayalloveragain · 05/11/2025 20:03

I see thanks. Yes they are saying she’s medically fit and can go home. But strangely they haven’t sent her packing….. so we are grateful for every single day extra she has in the care home because she looks so much better and happier!

Same for my Dad. He had outgrown living with us. He needed a constant eye, regular catheter care, activities, social interaction, and a solid routine.

I know we say we never want to be in a care home but some are lovely and peoples health sometimes makes them the perfect place to live.

If shes settled, i hope you can make it work.

Dillydollydingdong · 05/11/2025 20:19

When my dsf had to have a leg amputation at age 90, SS were very keen to get him home and be looked after by us. Unfortunately our home was totally unsuitable for a wheelchair and he would have been confined to a bed or chair. They reluctantly agreed he could live in a care home, but he died six weeks later - but not from the care, which was excellent.

ItsDdayalloveragain · 05/11/2025 21:34

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences and knowledge. It’s really really helped so much. My mum is in a really lovely care home and she is thriving there. The staff are so kind and keep her busy which she loves. She is a self funder, all her money from a recent house sale will pay for it, obviously certain siblings are not happy as they are seeing their inheritance disappear. But it’s mums money, and I have LPA and it’s secure for her care. I will not allow anyone to get their hands on it! My DH’s father is so mean and tight (always has been) so it would kill him to pay for care. I think we have a battle ahead, but my DH is prepared to let SS be the people to deliver the news to him about his money. I’m sure they have means of finding where’s he’s putting it…
I hope MIL is kept nice and warm and well fed this winter. My DH has said she will be moved with or without his dad’s permission. I know that sounds awful to possibly split them up, but safeguarding comes first!

OP posts:
CandidLurker · 05/11/2025 21:43

@ItsDdayalloveragain

exactly. All I want for my uncle is that he feels safe and secure. He was underweight before he went in the care home. The other LPA who visits regularly says the food is nice and he is offered constant tea, coffee and biscuits throughout the day. So we know his nutrition and hydration levels will be better. We are happy with the care home.

i think I am in his will as is the other LPA but we don’t care if there is no money left we just want him to be be safe and comfortable.

Cheese55 · 05/11/2025 21:55

People don't go to care homes from hospital without trying home first unless something drastic has happened. The vast majority of older people do better at home so that's why they try that first. In a way it doesn't matter that he doesn't want to pay, legally he has to so he can fiddle around with her money but it will be found and he'll have to pay.

ItsDdayalloveragain · 05/11/2025 22:03

Cheese55 · 05/11/2025 21:55

People don't go to care homes from hospital without trying home first unless something drastic has happened. The vast majority of older people do better at home so that's why they try that first. In a way it doesn't matter that he doesn't want to pay, legally he has to so he can fiddle around with her money but it will be found and he'll have to pay.

I am glad to hear he will have to pay because it’s half hers anyway!

OP posts:
Cheese55 · 05/11/2025 22:06

Of course it's half her money. Thats why he can moan all he likes but it doesn't stop the fact!

Velvian · 05/11/2025 22:26

Keep in touch with SS regularly, keep raising concerns.

Don't worry too much about the money, you can leave that battle between the council and your FIL. If MIL has a care need that is not being met, SS will commission the care.

They have a duty to do so (even for a 'self funder') for non res care and the power to do so for residential care.

Noras · 05/11/2025 22:44

I am a bit confused but does your MIL have money in her own name or is it a joint account? Otherwise if the money is only in FIL name he does not have to pay at all I think? I stand correcting I am wrong

Also you should ask for a CHC funding assessment which might be new interesting if they know that she has no funds herself’

hardtocare · 05/11/2025 22:48

Report report report. I can’t comment on what you’ve shared whether he’s capable of managing minimal care or not and it’s complex so I won’t make judgments BUT if she’s seriously unwell and better off where she is, you will get support to ensure that continues ❤️

Bookloveruk · 05/11/2025 23:05

If she’s not safe at home, medical team usually rule they cannot go home as they are a danger to themselves. If she hasn’t capacity then as should have determined she needs long term care for her safety. Good luck to you it’s a hard situation

Velvian · 05/11/2025 23:13

Noras · 05/11/2025 22:44

I am a bit confused but does your MIL have money in her own name or is it a joint account? Otherwise if the money is only in FIL name he does not have to pay at all I think? I stand correcting I am wrong

Also you should ask for a CHC funding assessment which might be new interesting if they know that she has no funds herself’

Op already stated they were joint funds. If FIL will not provide financial evidence required for the financial assessment, the council will assume her to have capital over £23,250.

If FIL never pays or provides evidence, the council can apply for a charge against MIL's share of the property regardless of whether it is included in the financial assessment.

Thank goodness they do have some teeth against the 'worked all their lives' brigade! Frequently said with no irony about people in their 90s that have been in receipt of state pension for 30 years!

Guidanceplease20 · 06/11/2025 02:10

These situations are really hard. Im having to sell my parents house soon.

Im not concerned about the money but Im finding it a terrible emotional toll - it was chosen when I was 12 and was my favourite. I had a wonderful upbringing there and so many firsts. My best friends Mum still lives on the estate and I see her regularly.

And it feels like deceit not telling him - although Ive not spoken to solicitors yet to find out if we have to. Its a risk as I dont know what he knows now and if it will affect his behaviours. He hasnt asked to go there, so it might be OK.

And Mum wanted to die there and we managed that for her - hospital bed, downstairs looking out over the water. But I have to be realistic - her cancer had a very different trejectory than his dementia and CKD.

Its pushed me to the edge, so do be careful and watch your own health in all of this. Although he did live with us for a few years of deterioration, and that took a toll.

rickyrickygrimes · 06/11/2025 05:51

Noras · 05/11/2025 22:44

I am a bit confused but does your MIL have money in her own name or is it a joint account? Otherwise if the money is only in FIL name he does not have to pay at all I think? I stand correcting I am wrong

Also you should ask for a CHC funding assessment which might be new interesting if they know that she has no funds herself’

Joint accounts are held jointly and severally, which means either party has full access to the funds. The FIL is within his rights to spend it all on a motor home, or even to empty the account. At this stage no one has the authority to act on behalf of the MIL: she has no diagnosis of dementia, and no one has LPA for finance. No one has told the bank that she had lost capacity, and even if they did there is no proof to give to the bank.

so it really depends who does what, and in what order. The upshot should be that SS will put care in place and organise the financial legal side of it. No one in the family is required to pay for MIL care out of their own pocket, and no one can authorise use of her funds on her behalf as they don’t have LPA. So SS have to step in and then fight it out with the FIL at a later date if he is deemed to have ‘stolen’ MILs share of their savings.

MissMoneyFairy · 06/11/2025 08:44

As she lacks capacity the decision to move her anywhere needs to be discussed at a best interest meeting which health lpa must try and attend, that includes where she lives and what care she needs.

ImWearingPantaloons · 06/11/2025 10:42

Your FIL can say what he wants about it being ‘his’ money etc but he’s got a really sharp, painful life lesson coming his way.

Social Services will get what’s owed, and that half of the joint account balance is not his to keep.

What a bastard….

Keeperofcalendar · 07/11/2025 08:22

They should both claim attendance allowance individually
It is not means tested
DM should have her own bank account
Can spend money on anything to make their lives easier
I believe some councils offer discount for people with dementia, but check with council

Do you have power of attorney health & wealth for each parent ?

ItsDdayalloveragain · 09/11/2025 18:01

ImWearingPantaloons · 06/11/2025 10:42

Your FIL can say what he wants about it being ‘his’ money etc but he’s got a really sharp, painful life lesson coming his way.

Social Services will get what’s owed, and that half of the joint account balance is not his to keep.

What a bastard….

And I can’t wait for him to learn that life lesson!

OP posts:
ItsDdayalloveragain · 09/11/2025 18:03

Keeperofcalendar · 07/11/2025 08:22

They should both claim attendance allowance individually
It is not means tested
DM should have her own bank account
Can spend money on anything to make their lives easier
I believe some councils offer discount for people with dementia, but check with council

Do you have power of attorney health & wealth for each parent ?

DH only has LPA for health, no way would he ever allow finance!

OP posts:
MissMoneyFairy · 09/11/2025 18:33

Does your mum gave capacity to make her own decisions, if not and she's had a capacity assessment then your dh can apply for deputyship and look after her finances, if there is a financial lpa in place and it's being abused you can report it to the opg. Your dh can also speak with her banks fraud department if you feel her money is being withdrawn without her permission.

Seeingadistance · 09/11/2025 19:05

ItsDdayalloveragain · 09/11/2025 18:03

DH only has LPA for health, no way would he ever allow finance!

Your FIL can only make decisions about his own POA, not his wife's.

If she has has capacity, then it would be worth encouraging her to set it up as soon as possible so your DH can take control of her finances, on her behalf.

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