Silent treatment on holiday

[Onlyadaughter]

Well this is fun. On a cruise with my elderly mother and we had a fall out earlier. I'd already explained that I would be needing time to do some reading/meditation/journaling etc (am going through some stuff which I can't discuss with her but need to do this stuff). 2 days in and I was lying on the bed, eyes closed headphones on listening to a guided meditation when she started loudly going on about something. I ignored her for a bit but she kept on and I lost my shit. I shouldn't have but I'm sick of feeling that I'm not allowed to have time for myself.

So now she's giving me the silent treatment. She did angrily tell me that she'll speak to me "when she's ready which is probably never" and said I was like mini Hitler and treated her like a child (odd because this is how I feel she treats me). Now not speaking at all but I'm quite enjoying being able to read in peace!

She's really not happy though and I'm the bad guy again. Anyone else deal with this kind of stuff from their parent? I'm not intending on going anymore holidays with her. I went with a friend earlier this year and the difference was day and night.

I hear you. I am also on a cruise with my mum and sometimes you just want a bit of peace to read a book etc and she is chatting on and you do want a bit of peace. Hopefully you guys make up soon. Nothing worse than the silent treatment when away!

Sorry you're going through this with your mum.

You have a right to relaxation too. Who's idea was this cruise.

Your mum sounds tiresome.

I dealt with my mum for 7 years with dementia. She stayed pretty sweet though with us kids. My dad got most of it at the beginning. He never flapped about it.

I'd be taking lots of walks around the ship to avoid her bitchiness

Just meet up for dinner. It's your holiday too.

Ooft, fuck that. Defo don’t go on holiday with her again, too much toxicity by the sound of it. Embrace the silence for now - childish though it is, at least you are getting some peace!

Sounds tedious. I'd perhaps have said you could have established a more detailed understanding in advance though - "if you see me with headphones on then that's me taking my relaxation time so please don't disturb me". And obviously losing your shit isn't good. What did that entail as the term 'lost my shit' could be anything from snapping at her to a full on abusive tirade? Unless it was the latter then her subsequent behavious is childish.

What do you want the rest of the cruise to be like? And do you have the means to make that happen? I'd probably sincerely apologise for anything where I overstepped and let her get on with it after that.

“2 days in and I was lying on the bed, eyes closed headphones on listening to a guided meditation when she started loudly going on about something. I ignored her for a bit but she kept on and I lost my shit.”

Why couldn't you have politely reminded her that you wanted a bit of quiet time? You sound petulant and aggressive.

We went away last year as well and she just talks at you about nothing. Bitches about random people. I was called rude because I wanted to read my book rather than listen to that.

I did lose it and may have said fuck a couple of times. It just pushes my buttons so much. It's like she's incapable of seeing me as a separate person with their own likes and dislikes. Maybe I'm too impatient with her but it's been a lifetime of this and I'm trying to set boundaries. She's always wanted us to have a close relationship but she's just critical and judgemental. I'm not interested in the things she is. I don't mind spending time with her but it's exhausting. She has to vocalise every single thought that enters her head. I think she's got OCD and has a lot of childhood trauma that she's not dealt with. Incapable of self awareness. I expect she's told my sibling how awful I am.

☝️ this

Perhaps a grown up talk about expectations would be in order. Better than being nasty.

6 of one, half a dozen of the other.

I'd tried to explain before but she doesn't listen. I feel bad now but unsure what to do also on top of my own issues I'm going through. It's almost dinner time wonder if she'll ignore me then too.

This is also how my ex behaved with the silent treatment. I'm a big people pleaser too and am trying to change this.

I couldn't put up with this, especially on holiday and especially when you're stuck on a boat together in such close proximity.

I'd have to address this head on
"Mum, this is childish and we're both old enough to do better. I shouted and swore at you. For that I am sorry. I was frustrated because you interrupted me when I'd asked you not to. Please can you apologise for interrupting me and giving me the silent treatment. We can let this fester and spoil our holiday, or we can agree, now, to move past it."

Nope. I hear you. Those who don’t haven’t experienced a parent who tramples on your boundaries and expects you to be constantly attentive no matter what.

Next time, you need to settle together at a table, then announce you’re going to do your meditation in the cabin, see you at 6pm for dinner. Or whatever.

Not much help now, but given the relationship you describe having with her, you clearly shouldn't be going on holiday together. That’s the boundary. It sounds like you knew this already, at heart. Was this your only opportunity to get away?

For now it’s damage limitation. Are you sharing a room?

Surely if she isn’t going to speak to you, that is a win.
Just don’t go on holiday with her again.

She's not accepted my apology. Said for some reason I have it against her and she can't do a thing right. That it's only the kindest people (eg herself) who get treated this way and she doesn't know how I am with others. Fwiw other people think I'm lovely and there's mutual respect there but mum and I always fall out.

I took her on the cruise because she's got nobody else to go with. I am intending on doing trips myself in future like I used to do but now my dad is dead there's nobody else she's got apart from one friend who she doesn't see often (and complains about). Anyway apparently I've got my grandads temper and need to count to 10.

Are you sharing a cabin?

Her lack of holiday companions is not your fault.... Just don't do it again... For now I would just repeat if you have headphones on she's not to disturb you and/or just go to another place on the ship.. is there a library (never been on a cruise not really sure what there is but the ships look big so assume yhere is somewhere you can go..)
Try and spend less time with her... You can't win .... Assuming someone else will ve on your other side at dinner just ralk to them.. do you have to eat at the same time?

Count to 10 then tell her she needs to apologise or you will just ignore her too/leave the cruise early. Please don't go with her again, if she hints about it in future (assuming she deigns to speak to you again), just tell her you had a horrible time and don't want to go on holiday with her again. Frankly it seems that nothing you can say will shift her unwavering belief she is in the right.

Maybe you could both cede a bit. You're blaming her for everything including your ex-husband

Oh this is tough for you.

my advice would be to simply tune her out. You can do this, it will take some practice.

Start practising now

Don’t feel guilty when you do miss something she says. And since she is “not speaking” you won’t miss anything.

ps you are in no good deed going unpunished territory. Don’t go on holiday with her again. Or anyone else who sulks. Just so you know. Don’t engage with anyone who sulks. Best of luck.

She thawed out slightly before dinner. But yes not fun. I will try not to get angry next time. We're sharing a cabin but yes I might escape to the library or find another quiet space for meditation. Might do us good to have some time apart. The silent treatment just reminds me of my ex who would pull that shit from time to time. It's not a nice feeling and he'd act like nothing happened afterwards.

Mum had a good bitch about the woman sitting next to us at dinner omg she's been like that with nearly everyone we've encountered. I'll try and stay calm now we've had this bust up think I'll go to the pool tomorrow. Thanks for all your advice.

So classic- DARVO. She’s seeing in you what is true of her.

God difficult. We dont take ours away op its mega stress. I never got into it. When I read your thread it be same crap here. No thanks. My siblings feel same on it. Her friend took her away 2 yrs ago said was constant moaning. No thank you.

You could always push her off the side. Worst things happen at sea! (only kidding!!!)

I wouldnt ever go on holiday again with her- there is simply no point, neither of you have a good time and it defeats the object of a holiday to have someone having a go at you all the time.

Try to get in some relaxation/meditation sessions. I have found the lumenate app to be incredibly relaxing - google it first though because it involves lights which might not be for everyone

I get the silent treatment from my mum too. It’s her biggest weapon that I’ve had since childhood, it reverts me to a 10 year old, feel sick to my stomach, even when she’s being completely unreasonable I can’t reason with that and it leaves me feeling completely unsettled and I have to resolve, despite the fact I am pretty good at managing other relationships and being assertive. It basically means I tread on egg shells around my mum and she doesn’t know me at all, she would say we are very close, she has no idea the wall she has built between us, but it’s too terrifying a concept to address, she would stone wall me and it would tear me up. So instead I tread on egg shells and give her the pieces of me I am happy to, and hold back on the rest.

Sorry OP that was a bit of a release on my side haha, so I thank you for that and I hope things resolve for you soon too.