Horrid aging mother and her requests

[Edsgreendress]

Hi everyone,

I’m struggling with how to handle my mother’s behaviour lately. She’s becoming increasingly difficult, that is: more argumentative, easily angered, and she ignores things that need to be fixed around the home, even though money isn’t the issue.

The part that really hurts me is how she acts whenever my partner comes to collect me. She doesn’t say anything directly, but her whole demeanour changes. She goes cold, silent, and visibly bitter. He’s never done anything wrong, but she clearly resents my relationship and treats me differently because of it.

Normally, I’ve always been happy to help her with things like online shopping or topping up her phone. But at this stage, I just can’t stomach it. She’s frequently cold or paranoid toward me, yet still expects me to help her. I know from experience that saying “no” outright would only cause an argument, so sometimes I make small excuses instead (like saying something’s out of stock or my app isn’t working).

I work full-time and live at home, so I do get some peace while I’m at work but when I get home, she’ll likely start asking again.

How do I manage this situation in a calm, self-protective way? I don’t want constant conflict, but I also can’t keep giving in when she’s treating me with so little respect.

Can you move out? That would be a big help.

That’s quite a lot of change in her.

I would certainly plan to move out but it sounds as if she may struggle to cope if you do. How old is she? Is she working (doesn’t sound like it?)

A change in behaviour such as you describe should probably be investigated, especially if she is not usually like this. It could indicate the early stages of dementia.

Does she have all her legal things sorted out? How old are you both?

How old are you both, OP?

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.

My DM (with dementia) started saying horrible things about my dh and dds, e.g. that they were selfishly stopping me from coming to see her, that they didn’t want me visiting her (my weekly sleepovers) etc.
All absolutely untrue. I knew it was the dementia speaking - she’d never had said, or even thought, such things before, but it was still so upsetting.

Eventually, one evening, I had just had enough. I said, ‘If you don’t stop saying such horrible things, I’m going home NOW!’ - and I meant it.

Amazingly enough, despite the dementia, she did stop, for that evening anyway.

I’m not sure there’s any solution while you’re living in her house

This appears to be an entirely pointless thread.

If you work full time, @Edsgreendress, then you are clearly physically, mentally and financially capable of moving out and maintaining your own home.

Do that.

Move out of her house and arrange external support.

Time to move out, surely?

Can you afford to move out. Could you be a lodger in someone's home, will work out cheaper than renting alone.

Sounds like you need to move into your own home, OP - start looking for a flat to rent ASAP.

A clear indication you need to move out op, this will only get worse.

If you don’t stop this now - and that’s by moving out - this situation is only going to get worse. You will end up being her full time carer as her health wanes and you will get to the point where you can never leave. Do it whilst you can - if you are in full time work then you should be able to support yourself and put some boundaries in place.

The solution is obvious, you ought to have flown the nest decades ago I would think!

How old are you op, you sound early twenties ? How old is your Mum ? If you live at home then most home things should be split between you. Is it just you and your Mum ? Maybe she is feeling sad about you probably moving out and sees your boyfriend as the cause of that. Talk to her, she sounds resentful and unhappy. Are you pulling your weight at home ? Is your Mum lonely ?

If you live with her I think you should be helping with pretty basic things like online shopping and topping her phone up, punishing her because she’s off with your boyfriend isn’t the way to go. Find another way or get over it. If she’s rude to you just leave the room ‘ we’ll do this later mum when you’re in a better mood,’ every time . Train her. But shes allowed to dislike your boyfriend , as long as she’s not throwing things at him and being verbally abusive, I’m sure he can cope with some coldness. Or move out.

This is confusing, how can the op be so young and yet have a mother in her 80s?

I’m assuming OP is 30s/40s and has just never moved out.

OP you say this behaviour is new and increasing. It does sound like it could be dementia. It is quite common for a person with dementia to become paranoid, argumentative, and/or fixate on a particular person as 'the problem'.

If she does have dementia her behaviour will not improve, it will probably get worse, and there will be other unwelcome changes to. So you really do need to think about whether you want to remain living with her, as you will be on the receiving end.

How old are you both? Jumping to a dementia online armchair diagnosis might make sense if she's 75+ but jumping to a "your boyfriend treats you disrespectfully, and she believes she's biting her tongue about her fears for you but is actually a terrible actress" assumption might be tempting if you're 20 and shes 50...

Your post could be read lots of ways tbh

You'd probably get on better if you moved out though.

I think the op is only willing to divulge things that she has calculated will elicit sympathy from us, hence she has only been able to make the one post🤷🏼‍♀️

@TheFiveLakes yes I agree. But the OP has posted in the Elderly Parents forum so I assumed she's elderly.

But either way, the OP needs to consider whether she wants to stay there because I doubt the situation is going to improve,

You're probably right, although expressions along the lines of "I live at home" (rather than something like "I moved in with her to look after her/ I had to move back in with her after my divorce") and "helping her with the online shop" (as though providing food is the mum's job and young adult child is sometimes asked to help) just make it read young...

My 21 year old loves to jokingly refer to me as an old lady (I'm in my 50s) but I don't think she actually thinks I'm elderly (I have my own actually elderly parent issues)...

20 and 50 was hyperbolic but 25 and mid 60s and a young adult who's still living with a parent, possibly a little bit emotionally vulnerable or naive and using terms like "horribly ageing" about a 64 year old is very different to a 64 year old discussing their own 90 year old mother.

And of course all points in between.

A bit more information is definitely necessary before we all armchair diagnose dementia because the mother doesn't like the daughter's (or son's) partner and isn't hiding it well.

The phone credit issue points to an older person, but buying shopping and upkeep of the house are shared issues if two adults live together as equals - the post reads as though the poster has never moved out but doesn't see either thing as her (or his?) responsibility. This reads younger...

Either way though, moving out is a good idea!

When (if) the OP comes back she can give us more information.

Hmmm I'm not sure, I'm 45 and my 64 year old DM is indeed horribly aging. It's sad, but it is true. We can't make too many assumptions on age. Hopefully the OP will come back and clarify.