Being driven mad

[TopazQuartz]

That about sums it up.

Elderly parent who is always one step ahead of me because she's thinking things I don't even think about. She has a doctor's appointment and the doctor's is around the corner from her but somehow she's wangled a lift from me. I'm supposed to be working so now will be calling work and going in late. She says her leg is 'bad' at the moment, yet will be fine walking everywhere else once I've dropped her at the doctors and won't want a lift back, will walk it and will do a few miles while shopping.

I don't mind giving her a life btw, it's the way she gets me in a trap each time over stuff. My point is that she doesn't need a lift, not in the least and I'm supposed to be at work then. She told me 2 weeks ago about this appointment and said she'd be arranging a lift from a local charity and that she likes that because she gets to meet new people. But now it's tomorrow and she's done FA about organising that.

I seem to be caught out by her all the time as she's plotting and planning things that I need to be doing with her. She has no empathy and only continually thinking about what she wants me to do for her. So I'm visiting to enjoy the company, meanwhile she's thinking only of what she needs me for.

Too late to change things now but I'm falling into the same trap repeatedly. I'm not functioning right or she's not. I don't seem to have any radar for when I'm going to be roped into stuff.

Can anyone relate? I don't mind giving her a lift, it's not about that it's about the traps she's setting constantly. She knows I'm supposed to be at work yet somehow she's convinced me that I need to call in, be late, and get her to the doctor's for what is a routine check up.

And worse, she is not direct, she hints about everything and still I fall in the trap.

Did she ask or hint and then you offered?

Two weeks ago, hinted at it, then said she was using the charity. I offered, said I didn't mind (part of the problem is I'd like warning) but she said she likes to meet people with the charity.

Then reading the above post back I realise she catches me unawares, lol. She hinted about it today. I ignored the hint as I thought it should have been sorted. But then later, when we've had a great chat and I'm leaving she pipes up, 'oh are you coming tomorrow?' and I fell straight in the trap. It seemed too petty to say no. She knows where I work I can be flexible etc, but still.

I think what I'm getting at in all this is I have to be way many more steps ahead than I think I need to be. And that sentence shows how stressed I am atm lol

But could you not just have said "oh dear, I'm working, I can't change with such short notice, you said you were calling the charity" ?

You don't have to be steps ahead of her.
The correct answer would have been "no, you said you were organising a lift with the charity. You'll need to call a taxi, because I'm working."
You need to toughen up, say no when you can't help and stop her taking the piss.

Sorry, OP. Supporting elderly parents can be very tough, and we all have our own weird family dynamics to contend with, but you just need to start saying no.

No, sorry, I'll be busy with work at that time.
No, sorry, I did offer you a lift but you said you were going to make other arrangements.
No, sorry, I need more notice for this kind of thing I'm afraid.
No, sorry, would you like me to book you a taxi?

In the nicest possible way, the problem is you because you're allowing yourself to be pushed around and manipulated. Your mum isn't going to change, so you need to change your own reactions.

I hope things get easier for you soon.

This is on you for not saying "no mam I'm at work. You should have followed through on what you said weeks ago. Hope you get it sorted"

You need to work on your backbone and start saying no

My MIL always hinted about jobs needing doing when I popped in to see her. E.g Oh those curtains in the spare room need washed.

To be honest, doing chores rather than having to sit and listen to her stories about old Agnes, Betty next door and Bert across the road was preferable 😆.

She only ever got about 2 hours of my time though a couple times a week and I always said no if her various appointments got in the way of my job as she was perfectly capable of getting a taxi or the bus.

The elderly sometimes get stuck im their own tiny world and forget us younger ones have jobs, kids etc keeping us busy. They can get lonely too and want us around all the time. Practice saying "No, sorry I can't do that but here's the number for a taxi / bus timetable etc."

Also keep in mind that will be us one day!

I'm not a stupid person by any means, pretty well qualified, good job..

And no, somehow it doesn't come to me in the moment. And she knows it. I just go away and get irritated like I am now. It's like I can't see the manipulation in the moment. If work was more rigid then I'd have said I couldn't, but knowing it's flexible. People tell me I've got a lot of patience. I think I have, but she's using it and now I'm getting irritated by it all.

I mean, really painful bad leg, a few days notice, I wouldn't be so annoyed.

Can you just have a stock response to everything? "I'll let you know, mum".

If you can train yourself to make this into your automatic response to each and every request, you will be able to buy yourself some thinking time so that you can make an informed decision.

I agree if it were that. But I do have backbone, that's what's so frustrating, I'm not sure why I'm falling into the traps. It's not because I can't or won't speak up. I could do that. Just in the moment I either didn't think, or it would seem selfish and petty, I don't even know now. Maybe I thought I should do it? I really don't know. I don't think I'm quick off the mark in the moment and it all seems ok, but later I resent it. I don't seem to learn, people tell me their problems and I start presenting solutions. I'm neurodivergent also and I think I get caught up in the problem solving. And she uses that.

On your last point, that's why it seems petty to keep boundaries over small things. It's small because it's a 2 min drive!

But it's the death by a thousand cuts thing. Being asked all these little things, or rather having all these little things hinted at (which is worse).

I told her I can't do it anymore during the working week unless an emergency. But we'll see if I remember that when the next trap is set.

Thanks for the replies, I am reflecting on all of them.

She's not a nice person, been emotionally and verbally abusive to all her family, not just me over the years. She's not so much now but you know it's just beneath the surface.

OP you need to change.
Stop replying at the time and say, "I'll have to check my calendar I think I have work calls booked". She doesn't know if you do or don't, you're just showing her that your time cannot be taken for granted.
At home you can then message and say you're not free due to the short notice and other things are now booked.
If she asks ahead of time, still say you'll check the calendar first (give yourself time to think and decide!).

I said "No" to my Mum today, and I did feel a bit bad but I genuinely couldn't do it at a moment's notice. I'm going to save the urgent dropping of my plans for times when it really is important because otherwise it will become an endless routine of missing things that I was looking forward to or abandoning my shopping trolley part way through a weekly shop.

How is your Mum's memory? My Mum's short-term memory is declining rapidly, so even if I tell her in advance that I can't do something at a particular time she will forget and ask me again. But now she has become less able to plan ahead so I'm getting more frequent last-minute requests. But if your Mum's memory is ok then in your position I would say at the first mention of an appointment that if she needs you to help her she has to tell you X number of days in advance so that you can clear your work schedule.

As others have said, you have to learn to say ‘no’. Don’t be drawn.

Christ, I say no to my mum so much she's now give up asking.

I will have to do this more but I think part of this is I'm not thinking about the whole issue all the time. I did this 2 weeks ago. I'd totally forgot all about it until she brought it up today. What I said 2 weeks ago should have been the end to it.

That's why I think I have to be steps ahead of her because she's manipulative and continually trying to wangle things the way she wants them, even when she doesn't really need something (I wouldn't mind if it were really needed or even if it wasn't done all the time)

Her memory is too sharp. Better than mine. She remembers things I've forgotten. Like this appointment. The crux of this is she thinks I shouldn't be working anymore and should be doing all her appointments etc. She's independent and capable, doesn't need me to give up work.

Yes I'll have to do this but you know she'll still keep talking about the appointment the day before it, laying on as much guilt as possible. I don't feel guilty but she's trying to make me out to be a bad, or selfish person. I don't need to hear all about the appointment, or who she's got to take her, or how she will organise her time or who she hopes (from the charity) will arrive to take her, etc

Yes I'll have to do this but you know she'll still keep talking about the appointment the day before it, laying on as much guilt as possible. I don't feel guilty but she's trying to make me out to be a bad, or selfish person. I don't need to hear all about the appointment, or who she's got to take her, or how she will organise her time or who she hopes (from the charity) will arrive to take her, etc

Simply say, "I'll check my calendar and then message after to say no". Retrain her thought processes to see you are not a puppet.

It does sound really tricky.

I agree with those who say you need to practice one or more holding responses until they’re more automatic.

I’m interested though in why you offered to take her two weeks ago. it was always going to be a working day and an awkward ask, and you know she has form for asking at the last minute. I know I got in a way with my mum of wanting to seem generous and giving but ending up offering things that made life really difficult, and resenting that.

In fact, you were also trying to manipulate, in a positive way; you want your mum to book things with you in advance. That’s very reasonable, and I’m sure you have said it clearly at times, but that time you went for an indirect way of doing it. But that form of manipulation is only going to work if you back it up by not being available at short notice.

Can you book her a taxi? And then message her & say you can't flex work. Give her the taxi details including the cost & let her get on with it. Ignore any messages or calls. Go to work.
It's not letting her down as you've arranged a replacement. Start to put boundaries in place. Time to be more aware of her manipulation & change your default answer to I'll have to check & get back to you.

You are complaining that you keep getting caught out and end up helping with everything as though it's your mums fault. But you are an adult with a life and commitments of your own. Grow a pair, stop making excuses about yourself and practice saying ' no sorry I can't help with that '