Being driven mad

[TopazQuartz]

That about sums it up.

Elderly parent who is always one step ahead of me because she's thinking things I don't even think about. She has a doctor's appointment and the doctor's is around the corner from her but somehow she's wangled a lift from me. I'm supposed to be working so now will be calling work and going in late. She says her leg is 'bad' at the moment, yet will be fine walking everywhere else once I've dropped her at the doctors and won't want a lift back, will walk it and will do a few miles while shopping.

I don't mind giving her a life btw, it's the way she gets me in a trap each time over stuff. My point is that she doesn't need a lift, not in the least and I'm supposed to be at work then. She told me 2 weeks ago about this appointment and said she'd be arranging a lift from a local charity and that she likes that because she gets to meet new people. But now it's tomorrow and she's done FA about organising that.

I seem to be caught out by her all the time as she's plotting and planning things that I need to be doing with her. She has no empathy and only continually thinking about what she wants me to do for her. So I'm visiting to enjoy the company, meanwhile she's thinking only of what she needs me for.

Too late to change things now but I'm falling into the same trap repeatedly. I'm not functioning right or she's not. I don't seem to have any radar for when I'm going to be roped into stuff.

Can anyone relate? I don't mind giving her a lift, it's not about that it's about the traps she's setting constantly. She knows I'm supposed to be at work yet somehow she's convinced me that I need to call in, be late, and get her to the doctor's for what is a routine check up.

And worse, she is not direct, she hints about everything and still I fall in the trap.

Not sure what the indirect manipulation was on my part but appreciate your response. I offered two weeks ago because that gave me time to arrange work around it (I have a lot of flexibility at work).

Your response has reminded me that I take things literally, no means no, etc. With her, no means she'll probably try to wangle it the day before but say no to start with to appear more independent than she actually wants to be.

Not meaning to sound critical, but my eyes have been opened in the last few years

But your no didn’t mean no. She has successfully manipulated you in the past and knows that you will crack a lot of the time with the right pressure. The only way your no can mean no is if you stick to it.

This sounds really critical of you doesn’t it? It’s not meant to. You’re a loving person trying to manage a really difficult situation with someone who like most people is more interested in themselves than others. It goes against the grain for you to say no to her when with a lot of effort you could just about do what she asks… and as you say she has taught you to blank out and be unable to defend yourself when she demands something. I don’t think she necessarily planned that particularly. My dad used to do it; he would leave financial things to the moment when he was being threatened and it all needed to be fixed at that moment before he would ask, because when things were that bad we struggled to say no. When I set up a monthly direct debit for him to try and stop the crises, he never once acknowledged it because it upset him that it broke the illusion that he was coping.

This is on you. You need to learn to say no when it's appropriate.

OP you are blaming your mum for your part in this. You need to say No mum, I can’t take time off for this. Or perhaps, I said too quickly that I could take you, but I realise I can’t.
You make it so clear that you are willing it’s not surprising that she acts accordingly.

I have one. It’s why I haven’t retired or moved closer to her, she makes my life a misery from 3 hours away. Heaven help if I were nearer.
Mine currently wants me to take her to a family funeral somewhere a long way from either of us, so essentially I’d travel to her, then we’d travel up together, then I’d take her home and get back myself.

She’s absolutely dead set against anything that works for me. Only interested in getting the maximum convenience for herself.

I’m really struggling at the moment with my own stuff, and she’s totally uninterested. When people have mothers that’s they miss, I struggle to imagine what it’s like.

OP, do you know grey rock? You need a bit more practice.

You need to stop solving her problems and start listening and saying, ’oh dear, what a shame’.

I solve DM’s problems when I can out of guilt for not liking her and trying to avoid her. Is that at the root of why you struggle to let her sort herself out?

For those about to jump on me and say how awful I am for being so uncaring about my poor elderly Mother- please don’t. She’s a piece of work and relentlessly bullies everyone around her. I do a lot more than my fair share to take the edge of the isolation she has earned with her appalling ways.

You will be driven mad until you are able to say no and make it stick. She is the unreasonable manipulative one but only you can change the dynamic.
How often do you see her / contact her? You just happened to be there the day before her appointment? Maybe see her / telephone her less then she has less opportunity to ask in person.

JUST SAY NO, AND MEAN IT! You know that you can't keep on doing this. Good luck.