MIL moving closer to us with new Alzheimer's diagnosis

[KhristoffersonFox]

My MIL is soon going to be renting a flat in a village near us for six months to try and give us all a better understanding of whether she is capable of moving at all or if we have already missed the boat.

We really would love the move to be a huge success so that she commits to our area and has lots of time with us and the grandchildren. Currently she is a 3 hour drive away and we are her only family (friends where she lives pretty thin on the ground too). She has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's but still coping well living independently.

So as to make the transition as smooth as possible we are going to furnish the flat ourselves and get it ready so she can essentially just leave her home as it is. What tips do you have for including in the flat to help her and for moving in general? She is up and down about the idea of the move.

It would be very helpful if this thread is not derailed by whether or not the move as a whole is a good idea because it is happening. There are pros and cons and overall we have decided she needs to give it a go and her medical team support this decision. If it is a complete failure and she moves home within a month so be it - that is useful information for us to have. We know there is (sadly) a risk of initial decline after the move.

All of us just want to give her the best shot at a good few years.

Thank you

Can you match the style, make of things you supply? Eg, same colour sofa, same microwave. I think moving into a totally new environment will expose all the memory loss that routines have been disguising.

Moving will likely set her back and everything being new and unfamiliar is not a good idea. It would be better to have familiar things, most people find it difficult to adjust to a new place and this will be worse if everything is new. Lots of people enjoy coming home to their familiar bedding and things they enjoy after a holiday.

So tips on making the flat homely?
clean
freshen up any paint work needed
new carpets /laminates where needed
ensure the plumbing/electrics are up to scratch
maje sure the heating works and is easily controlled .

Hi. Have you read Wendy Mitchels Someone I Used To Know which is full of her own tips about living with Alzheimer’s? I would make the new flat as similar as possible to the old one by bringing some of her furniture, painting at least one room in similar colours if decorating is allowed, and arranging cupboards in similar ways. Everything very organised. And photos of people and places she’s loved. Good luck.

Make sure if you can to get the same models if things. My mil really struggled with learning new things as an early sign of her Alzheimer's. Eh dishwasher ,microwave TV remote. She completely forgot how to use a mobile phone but kept asking us to get her a new one.

I think it's great you're moving her nearer. My dad is 2.5 hours away and it's hard but be prepared for her to go backwards a bit in unfamiliar surroundings. Hope it works out.

Thank you all so far.

Yes we will bringing a van of her things and so she will have things like her bedding and toaster etc. Pictures is a good idea too.

It just won't be her furniture and I was thinking we could add some memory aids? Perhaps a big calendar etc.

Twice she has agreed to move and then backed out at the last minute and so this time we are not going to attempt to pack up her home as it seems to be this which makes her spiral. Obviously if the move is a success we will bring all of her belongings as quickly as we can!

She is utterly miserable where she is now.

Given your comments we will also bring her TV and alexa. Unfortunately we can't go so far as oven, washing machine etc...

I am going to add that she stayed in an air bnb over the Summer for 3 weeks near us and loved it. She actually didn't struggle with appliances I don't think. What she did struggle with is remembering plans etc and finding her way about in the town (why we are going for a village with amenities not a town - she can see the small supermarket from her window).

If possible perhaps stay in the flat with mil the first night and make a mental note of what she finds difficult.
Also if she can walk it, walk with her from the flat to your home and back a few times in the first week so if she does go walkabouts( my mil did) she knows roughly where to find you as she will likely recognise your house rather than the new flat.

If you can’t take the eg washing machine, I would try to match the make and model as much as possible, even considering buying a good second hand one. Failing that, a simple one with a dial and few features, rather than a fancy electronic one (unless that’s what she’s already using).

I would also take her current landline phone if she’s going to have one.

Perhaps stay with her during the day/overnight for a couple of days until she’s a bit more familiar with her new flat. And make several trips to the supermarket to get her used to the walk.

Hope the move is successful!

We did something like this with late Mum. Whilst it didnt go 100% it worked. I was 5 mins away after moving. She did eventually have to move to a care home but looking back it was the right thing to do.

I had visions of her falling at her old house, lying there and not being able to call for help. I was 100's of miles away. She could have really suffered. Yes, she did have a care pendant but she could have knocked herself out and then got totally disoriented and just lay there for days.

I am sorry to be so graphic but that is why she moved.

I thoroughly second the notion that you should bring her own devices and appliances with her. We only realised after my mum had moved trust she was surviving on a sort of brain muscle memory, and could learn nothing new

if she is familiar with your home town/village, the move is a splendid idea in another way: she will already know the area, the walks, shops, all that. Again, we were fooled as to my mum’s capabilities because she had lived where she was for 20 years and knew it backwards. She didn’t have to think about where and when the bus was
, where the shop was, etc

But: when she moved , she was completely unable to leave the block of sheltered flats she moved to, without getting lost. It was only a couple of miles from us, but she simply could not fix the lie of the land in her head.

Dame is right too. Elderly people are very good at hiding what they are capable of and arent beyond fibbing about what they can and cannot do. As I said previously the thought of Mum lying injured was too much and when I initially spoke to her she said it would be OK for her to stay where she was as she 'would be careful not to fall'.

Steer away from any potential trip hazards - rugs and so on. Some Alzheimers patients walk up and down a lot, and they'll also be problematic if/when your MIL needs carers to come in.

I actually think this sounds a good idea, to have her living near you but not actually with you. Apart from anything else, seeing her more regularly means you will get a much better handle on how well she is coping.

It’s a good idea to bring familiar things like the TV. I agree the main issues will be things like an unfamiliar heating/water system, washing machine, oven etc - she will be unable to work out how to use them. But then again there came a point when my mother could not remember how to use the appliances in her own flat, so I wouldn't worry too much about that.

I would not bother with memory aids, she is unlikely to remember to look at them. And if she does, she will have forgotten a minute later.

I hope it works out. People with dementia often change their minds about 20 times a day, as you have probably already found!

We used smart heating in my in-laws. That way we could turn the heating up and down if needed.

That sounds a good idea. As long as she isn't able to override it by turning things on and off manually. My mother kept turning things off and then calling the plumber out 'because it isn't working'.

See if the landlord would be ok with her having a ring doorbell? And a key safe.

I’d get some cameras in there to watch her. Calendar clocks are good (look up dementia clocks). Have you got Alexa set up so you can ‘drop in’ on her? She has to give permission from her Alexa. We have this as mum is next door and we just say ‘Alexa, drop in on grandma’ and it puts us on her Alexa. It does video too. Means she doesn’t have to do anything to answer - it just links through.

Can you get white goods like oven and washing machine which are the same brand as her current ones? My mum is 80 and recently needed a new washing machine and was so much more comfortable buying another Bosch washing machine because the font and dials were familiar. Could you photograph the controls of her current appliances and take the to a big Curry’s or similar to choose the closest thing?

Definitely bring all her family photos in frames and any nik naks she has to make the place more homely

I had this with elderly uncle coming to my house. Tried to replicate bedroom as much as possible. So brought his bed , bedding and most importantly his bedside table . Then took a good look and arranged things in the same order .

I would book her back into the AirBnB for a week and then move as much of her furniture into her new flat as possible, replicating what can’t be moved. Take photos of what’s insider her kitchen cupboards and put the items in the new kitchen in a similar way. Don’t be tempted to think ‘this pan/ plate / dish will be better in this cupboard’, replicate her things the way she already has them.
Im assuming she will be living in a different LA than where she already is - if so, be prepared for long waiting times for access to services she may already have.
Having seen my stepfather moving house following his dementia diagnosis, I’m afraid he went downhill very quickly and it was really difficult for a while getting things like carers sorted. He lived there for a year declining badly before needing to move into a care home. Once he moved into the care home, he began to pick up and actually lived a further 2 1/2 years.

Please don’t put cameras in to watch her - this is a massive invasion of privacy. If she has dementia, she may not even have capacity to agree and you certainly should not be using them if they don’t agree!

The same TV she currently has, for my DM remote controls were definitely a thing.

Also make sure you have lots of spare keys and an easy place for her to keep her key.