MIL moving closer to us with new Alzheimer's diagnosis

[KhristoffersonFox]

My MIL is soon going to be renting a flat in a village near us for six months to try and give us all a better understanding of whether she is capable of moving at all or if we have already missed the boat.

We really would love the move to be a huge success so that she commits to our area and has lots of time with us and the grandchildren. Currently she is a 3 hour drive away and we are her only family (friends where she lives pretty thin on the ground too). She has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimer's but still coping well living independently.

So as to make the transition as smooth as possible we are going to furnish the flat ourselves and get it ready so she can essentially just leave her home as it is. What tips do you have for including in the flat to help her and for moving in general? She is up and down about the idea of the move.

It would be very helpful if this thread is not derailed by whether or not the move as a whole is a good idea because it is happening. There are pros and cons and overall we have decided she needs to give it a go and her medical team support this decision. If it is a complete failure and she moves home within a month so be it - that is useful information for us to have. We know there is (sadly) a risk of initial decline after the move.

All of us just want to give her the best shot at a good few years.

Thank you

A massive whiteboard for you to write notes on.

You have moved, this is your new kitchen, the kettle is the same as your old one (or better still it is actually her old one) etc etc.

Second and third this suggestion! It's a wonderful and truly inspiring book.

This. A different cooker or microwave, even taps that are different, can throw someone with dementia. Best to keep things as familiar as possible.

Hi, thanks so much for your suggestions.

I wish we could do every single thing you have all suggested but we can't realistically (or financially). It may be that we have already left it too late for her to move (not through lack of trying) which is why this is kind of just a test run to see how she fares. If it is a disaster she will be moving back to her cottage pronto (as if she never left).

If we suggest moving all her furniture she simply won't come. She will panic and get hysterical. She is basically only agreeing to come on the basis that it is a bit like her airbnb experience earlier in the year which felt more like a holiday to her! We will be able to get TVs, microwaves etc and so will move them. Basically only a couple of car loads of her belongings will make the cut.

Our hope is that once she is in our area she won't look back and then we will choose a permanent home close to us based on how well she copes in the flat. She will have the whole spectrum of possibilities from care home to her own home (where we will take the time to move all her appliances and furniture of course!

But if she is miserable and wants to go home she will.

It could work out as a stepping stone to her eventually going in a care home/assisted living place near you which would be so much better than one many miles away.

I would suggest lights that turn themselves in automatically at dusk (you can get the ones controlled by app) AND lights that are movement triggered in the hallways so when she gets out of bed for the loo at night she isn’t fumbling for light switches (we had USBrechargeable strip lights which we attached to the side of the bed with Velcro sticky pads for my toddler - a bit of experimentation to get them in the right place so when he swing his legs out, the lights come on).

Helps avoid disorientation and fear

Is it worth either having a family tracker on her phone (if she has one) or giving her a tracker device to wear at least for the first few weeks? Because if she's perhaps further down the dementia road than you think, being able to see the supermarket and being able to get there might be two different things, and at least you can find her if she rings you in a panic saying she's lost.

I just wanted to update 6 or so months later because someone has been liking my posts and maybe this will be helpful for someone one day.

So. We convinced her to move to a small flat in a village near us to see what it was like. A six month rental that we offered to pay for but she insisted on paying for once she had moved in.
The experiment was a success because:

1. She almost immediately realised how beneficial it would be to move near us and her house is now almost sold (due to exchange this week).
2. She realised she actually does want somewhere with more help and built in community, and so is going to buy in a residential community type place near us. We think this is much more sensible than buying somewhere stand alone and has put our minds at rest MASSIVELY.
3. There was a lot of concern about how she would cope with new appliances etc - actually that wasn't a problem. She cooks relatively simply anyway. She did struggle with things like catching a bus (she no longer drives) but she also struggled with that at her home. Overall her 'appliance/technology' stress was reduced because we were able to assist with simple things like logging into her NHS app.
4. She does genuinely fun/sweet things with us. Her life is much more full and busy.

The future is going to be messy of course. With a dementia diagnosis she will have to move again and I imagine selling will be difficult/make a huge loss. But in our particular situation having her near us is going to make everyone's life so much better. Hopefully we have some good years left.

Thank you for all the advice you provided.

Can you not move in her furniture so it feels like home, fair enough get it all decorated, kitchen and bathroom done, but her other stuff moves with her as far as possible.

Dementia clocks are good- amazon. They give day, date, time, it says afternoon or morning and you can add reminders to take medication/appointments etc.

Calender, whiteboard to write daily reminders on to.

Would it be an idea to take photos of her current sitting room and bedroom set up and try and replicate the position of furniture? I'm thinking that if the side table is to the left of her chair now, that's where the new one goes, if her bedside locker is on the right, that's where it goes now. Same for lamps, crockery cupboard, storage and so on. Just little things that she would automatically reach for are in more or less the same position. Just a thought.

To those just posting - please see my update, thank you though!

Put air tags on her keys and favourite bags and make sure you have find my phone set up so you can see where
she is if she gets lost. The number of calls I get from my mum because she’s miss placed something, the tags are great. I would make sure there is an obvious spot by the door to put her keys etc in when she walks in the house to try to make putting things there intuitive. A big white board that you can write notes on for her. Picture of people is a good idea. Try to position things in kitchen cupboards in a similar way to what she already has. Have the heating programs set up and concealed so she can’t easily adjust things by accident. Get the WiFi etc set up and all the bills with you added to the account. Make sure to register at the GP. If you haven’t already done it get LPA set up. Stay with her for the first night or two.

try and find some clubs/classes etc for her to join. It is great that you are there for her and want to spend time with her but if you are the only people she knows she will be very dependent on you and it might get exhausting for you. Some other people for the odd bit of company and chats will be important.

I'm glad to read it is working out well, that is good news.
I hope she has some decent time in the retirement village before she has to move on again. You've acknowledged that selling that type of property can be tricky, hopefully she has enough money to pay for her care without having to sell first.

Is there the option to buy the property you’re renting for her, a move to another property after the initial stay in the rented one may be difficult and confusing for her and set her back.