I think my mum is lying

[HettyMeg]

My mum is 70 so not "elderly" but wasn't sure where to put this. She lives a few hours away and recently our relationship has not been great. Too much history to explain in a short post but she is emotionally immature and despite being independent in other ways is reliant on me to support her emotionally e.g. leaning on me for advice, being a confidante, etc. This has taken a toll and I'm withdrawing a bit as I don't get the same support in return and I'm fed up of the moods and silent treatment I get if I've wronged her somehow (in her eyes)

Recently I'm pretty sure she's also lying to me on a semi regular basis. Eg she was meant to be coming to see us but then told me was getting repair work done (after visit was arranged) and can't come or change it - bit of a pattern there of making plans then cancelling eg saying she is ill and can't come has happened lots of times. This morning she's saying her power is out because of the storm but I checked energy firm website to get an update and it said there was no power outage in her postcode.

How would you respond to this? I think some of it is exaggeration / embellishment of the truth rather than outright lies but I'm the type of person who hates lying / bullshitting and I'm just so fed up of it. Do I address it directly?

That’s fantastic for you - but people age differently, and not everyone is equally blessed with good health and confidence. My mum became far too anxious to travel any distance by the time she was 70. She had cataracts and an essential tremor and cardiac problems. She hasn’t driven after dark since she was in her 60s.

Many people on here often suggest excuses for posters to get out of doing things.
Maybe you are very high minded and have never done that.
But most people do from time to time.
Why does it matter so much to you?
Accusing her of lying is rather extreme as is doing detective work to prove her wrong.
You obviously don't like her very much and have little sympathy for her.
So you should be glad she is not coming. The excuse is irrelevant.
I wonder how you will behave and be judged when you are her age.

On a tangential note, OP, I think people with a very black and white approach to ‘lying’ are often the very people it is hardest to be honest with, for fear of their reactions. the fact that you’re going to such lengths to check up on her story about the power cut makes me think you might be a bit scary at times 😬

Would you have been pissed off or impatient with her if she said she wasn’t feeling up to the drive? Would you have tried to press her into coming if she didn’t feel confident to drive or take a train?

It could be helpful to reframe your thinking around this, so that if she’s not telling you the whole truth, it’s less likely to be because she’s enjoying manipulating you or making a fool of you than it is to be because she feels confused or anxious or ashamed.

You know now that she is prone to cancelling at the last minute - so prepare for that. And/or think of other ways to see her that might be easier for her. And it’s OK to see her less if she can’t make the trip to visit you.

I agree. That's what I was saying too.

My great uncle who lived to his mid 90s was driving long distances in his mid 80s.

Also, the quotes from another poster on life expectancy are not accurate. You need to dig deeper than the 'average' number. For anyone still alive at 70, life expectancy is shown as mid 80s

Also, LE is an average. There is a massive difference depending on location - up to 20 years. the average is there because of a lower life expectation in eg Scotland but in London and the SE it's many years higher.

This is all by the by because the OP mentions a bad 'history' to their relationship and her mum's reluctance to see her or her 'exaggeration' about practical problems is probably more to do with the emotions between them.

As people get older they sometimes find things overwhelming that they found easy before. I suspect a 3 hour long trip feels like a lot and she doesn’t really want to do it, understandable. It might be that if you want to spend time with her now you accept that you need to make the journey to her.

My DM lies too. She says my dad "won't let" her drive anywhere she doesn't know. No-one dares check that with him because he can be unpleasant and wouldn't take kindly to what might come across as an accusation. But the truth is, she doesn't want to drive, so gets everyone else to. She doesn't like to drive after dark, so again, gets everyone else to.

This has been going on since she was in her sixties, and before actually - looking back, once her children could drive, she'd get us to do as much of it as possible.

OK I appreciate people on the thread don't know my mum but the reason I stated that I feel she is not "elderly" is because she herself wouldn't categorise herself in that way, it's not me failing to show empathy (!!). She works, sees friends, volunteers in the community, is involved in local groups, drives daily, albeit not long distances, and has no major health issues.

It's not really about whether or not she wants to drive, it's more about the lying which was the point of the post and it's coming across to people as if I'm some heartless person with no empathy for the woman who brought me into the world when the reality is a lot more complicated when you have been relied upon emotionally since being a teenager and I am genuinely concerned because I don't live nearby so can't just go and pop in to check on her. I already travel to see her as much as I can with a full time job and young family.

@HettyMeg many people are only able to view things via their own lens of their own world. I hear you! Families are complex, and parents/grandparents are not always the safe havens they're supposed to be.

Boundaries are your friend and will help you to remain sane. But remember.ber it's up to you to hold your boundaries. If your mum tries to cross them you are the person responsible for holding firm. You can hold boundaries and still be kind and compassionate.

Exactly! My Grandad said the exact same words. All you have left are your memories.
He would talk non stop for an hour without pause when I visited - I guess I could have seen that as selfish but realised he just needed to process his memories out loud as he was so lonely. Giving him the gift of purely listening just to him was the best I could do at that point. His missed my grandma so much.

Agree with this. My Mum is similar - talks to everyone in the family about an arrangement for example and get different versions of same thing. She is scatty and forgetful not lying. We have to try and understand the intention behind what people say especially as they get older.

It’s so sad when people are accused of lying but really are just misunderstood. Minds get muddled. If ops mum is still working perhaps all her brain energy goes on that.

Expecting her to get in a train for a 3 hour hike maynot work for her anymore and she just doesn’t know how to say that.

If OP was always the person that had to be her mums kind of cater/ confidante growing up I can fully appreciate why she feels the way she does. It’s a natural response. But both things can be true. Just do what you can to see her when possible that fits around your own family and video call during the other times. Unless she is very poorly you don’t need to be running down there every week. Just accept her the way she is and try to keep connection by phone during the periods in between.

Why on earth are you expecting a 70 year old woman to drive 3 hours?!? Especially when there’s a storm ffs. That’s appalling

@MaurineWayBack "Theyd have no issue with taking the train etc… either."

There is two of them though. Taking long journeys by train or bus is immeasureably easier when there's two of you. You've got someone to watch your bags when you go to the loo or need to check something out, someone to help carry the bags if you encounter steps or you need to change trains. These things aren't particularly a piece of cake when you're young but trust me, it's ten times harder and more daunting when you're old and alone.

Do you think women stop driving for 3 hours when they hit 70?

@HettyMeg TBH I don't think you should have posted this in Elderly Parents, as you said at the start. Relationship may have been a better part of the site

. You just given a long description of how she's not frail, she works every day, drives, has friends etc.

She lives a few hours away and recently our relationship has not been great. Too much history to explain in a short post but she is emotionally immature and despite being independent in other ways is reliant on me to support her emotionally e.g. leaning on me for advice, being a confidante, etc. This has taken a toll and I'm withdrawing a bit as I don't get the same support in return and I'm fed up of the moods and silent treatment I get if I've wronged her somehow (in her eyes)

This is more about your relationship. It's hard to know what is going on from your first post.

You know the backstory here- we don't. Is she widowed or divorced? How far back does it go when she became reliant on you to share her emotional stuff? After a divorce? After your father died?

Can you redirect her 'neediness' to her own friends? Can you suggest she shares her needs with them? Can you also 'call her out' on what you think are the lies / exaggeration and the last minute change of plan to see you?

I honestly think that if you can state how you feel about her behaviour it will help.
If you say to her 'It upsets me when you cancel last minute- can you give more notice?' Or' I feel you aren't always truthful and that worries me.'

Your Mum could live for another 20 years. You need somehow to get beyond what's happening now and maybe consider sharing your past history with a counsellor so you can manage the present and negotiate the future more easily.

Good luck.

She's only 70.
I know many older people in their 80s and even 90s who go by train - they use Assisted Travel- bags are carried on and off, someone helps you on the train and off it. You book the service when you buy your ticket.

Don’t apologise OP!

There are some very judgmental replies here, but this is MN after all 🙄 .

There’s always at least one eejit taking a swipe at Farage or Trump (irrelevant to the subject and so arrogant, but let’s get some virtue signalling in). Or else accusing you of being one of the Bad Daughter brigade; they didn’t read your actual original post properly.

But, tangentially, at least, it’s been quite an interesting thread in what constitutes “elderly”. It varies sooooo much. Though I do think people take a rather superficial approach of how active an elderly person is as a merit, regardless of anything else.

good luck ☘️

I don’t blame her tbh. It’s a long drive. The white lie was to avoid offending you.

Much sympathy - I’ve got a difficult relationship with my ageing mother as well.

I think the only thing you can do is accept that she is going to bail on visits with short notice. If she does, that’s her choice and it means she will see you less, which may be no bad thing. You don’t need to step in and make up for it by going to her instead.

@RealityBitesSun "Though I do think people take a rather superficial approach of how active an elderly person is as a merit, regardless of anything else."

Absolutely agree (assuming I've understood your comment correctly!) I so often see posts from young mums complaining that their DM/MIL in her 60's or 70's doesn't want to take on all day childcare for a baby or toddler (or both). They proclaim "but she belongs to a walking group, does pilates, goes to pottery class - she's really active and behaves like she's 40!" They don't seem to grasp that 70 (even with good health and a fair wind) cannot possibly be measured to 40.

@ginasevern and whilst they might be ok for the odd days of childcare or even an odd week now and then they do not want that commitment week in week out and have to stop their other things - I’m 63 , I would do 1 day a week regularly and the odd holiday but that would be it -

Absolutely. Apart from the fact that your health becomes less predictable as you age (I'm 68 now), you also want to actually enjoy life. That seems to be a cardinal sin for grandparents these days!

Maybe you need to thrash this out and come to some arrangement over when you will see her (if you want to, that is.)

If the distance is 3 hours by car, how far is it by train? Trains often halve the journey unless someone needs to cross London.

How often do you see her and take your children to her?
Is this not something you'd do during half terms or school holidays?

Most people I've known over the years with long distance parents would always make a point of using school hols to visit and stay nearby if their parents didn't have a house big enough.

Do you have any siblings or is there just you?

@ginasevern my in laws used to have my son 2 days a week ( 1 overnighter) and I must admit I was greatful for that - as I was working full time , they were early 60s time but in all honesty my MIL didn’t have any friends or interests locally and didn’t work ( as they had lived abroad a fair bit and she was trailing spouse and didn’t work) so I think she genuinely enjoyed having him and my FIL used to still have short term projects too , so he was around a lot too to help -

Genuine question, but how do people
have the time to do this? I’m at a distance from my one surviving parent and see her 3-4 times a year. Which has been the case for decades. I work full time, so if I used my annual leave to visit every school holiday and half term I’d have no time left to spend just with DH and our kids, on our own holiday, getting things done at home, covering ill
children off school etc? And that’s without in-laws at a similar distance in the opposite direction!

I think it depends on what work you do, how much holiday that allows you and how much you're willing to 'give' to a family in terms of time. Most families I knew did 50-50 when the kids were young (grandparents would visit a couple of times a year by train or they might have joint holidays.) Or counted the holiday near the grandparents as 'a holiday'. Some just had to do long weekend and tag on the day for Bank Hol.