I think my mum is lying

[HettyMeg]

My mum is 70 so not "elderly" but wasn't sure where to put this. She lives a few hours away and recently our relationship has not been great. Too much history to explain in a short post but she is emotionally immature and despite being independent in other ways is reliant on me to support her emotionally e.g. leaning on me for advice, being a confidante, etc. This has taken a toll and I'm withdrawing a bit as I don't get the same support in return and I'm fed up of the moods and silent treatment I get if I've wronged her somehow (in her eyes)

Recently I'm pretty sure she's also lying to me on a semi regular basis. Eg she was meant to be coming to see us but then told me was getting repair work done (after visit was arranged) and can't come or change it - bit of a pattern there of making plans then cancelling eg saying she is ill and can't come has happened lots of times. This morning she's saying her power is out because of the storm but I checked energy firm website to get an update and it said there was no power outage in her postcode.

How would you respond to this? I think some of it is exaggeration / embellishment of the truth rather than outright lies but I'm the type of person who hates lying / bullshitting and I'm just so fed up of it. Do I address it directly?

My mums 76 and plays several sports, yoga and art, holidays on her own and with friends, her life is more active and interesting than mine. But DH dads the same age and has exerienced a rapid decline in the last two years to the point where he no longer drives or goes out. I think theres a possibility from what OP has said that her mum is experiencing some of the issues that can happen with ageing, I think this is what people are alluding to.
Two years ago DHs dad was horse riding, golfing and working pretty much full time. Now hes housebound and can't drive.

Is she lying to anyone else? I found mine was telling me one thing, my sibling something else and her friends something else again! She hadn’t considered we’re all in touch…

We set up a family WhatsApp group which meant we could all see what she said, rather than her trying to play people off against each other. That helped a lot.

Other stuff I’ve called her out on. “Oh dear, you’ve got a power cut? You did get new batteries for your torch, didn’t you?” “Oh, I can see it’s a long way to drive and the parking is difficult. Have you checked train times instead?” Push responsibility back on her.

She’s 70 and still working, not a frail 95 year old. Yes, driving can become harder/more tiring as people
age but that’s the time to use public transport for longer journeys or consider a taxi for shorter ones.

It sounds like she's getting a bit confused and losing confidence and could be making things up to cover for it. I'd be keeping an eye out for other signs of dementia, I'm afraid to say. Like repeating herself or getting anxious over small things. I'm so sorry OP, it's a very exasperating and upsetting thing to consider, but the earlier it's spotted, the more effective the meds can be. Good luck xx

I think YABU to expect a 70 year old to travel 3 hours plus to visit you!

I agree with a previous poster that this could be early signs of dementia - it’s what happened to my mil. If it is, then think about how you want to react - it’s not her fault and she can’t help it.

Good grief OP. I wouldn't expect my 70 year old mother to drive 3 hours to see me. No wonder she's crying out. As for checking online about the electric outage, they do get it wrong you know! I'm 68 and really hate driving at night. The new "searchlight" style headlights finally put the nail in it for me. As for getting trains and buses - if you're three hours away that's quite a haul. The trains are hardly great either (in any respect) so a woman alone at that age could feel pretty unsettled at the thought. A lot of people lose confidence and feel more vulnerable as they age. When you're that age yourself you'll realise why. I think you need to adjust your sympathy dial.

This would be my response - her power could be out because the fuse has blown or there is an issue at her home that as nothing to do with the grid. I’d check on her - 70 is also the age when dementia etc ics in. Her ‘semi regular lying’ may actually be confusion as could her reluctance to leave the house despite making arrangements.

Everyone is different when they age. I know 95 year olds still playing golf and walking happily to shops a mile away and driving. I have my own parents late 70’s who have health needs and are very wobbly and fuss about everything and don’t drive far after my Dad had a stroke even though he is fine to drive now. I’m early 50’s and would dread a 3 hour drive. I struggle to focus and get tired and hate night time driving. I get very anxious. Your mum is definitely older. She might not be lying either. I’ve seen power updates being fine and yet we have a problem. Even if she is - usually I’d see that as an underlying fear of telling you/ disappointing you.

The impression I get from your post is that you are not an empathetic person. Neither are you understanding or compassionate about generational differences or realising that perhaps emotional maturity wasn’t something everyone ran around trying to obtain in that generation- it’s only something people are cottoning onto now as it’s all over social media and we have a huge mental health crisis. If YOU yourself were emotionally mature you would realise all of these things and cut your mother some slack. Find your resources elsewhere in terms of your unmet needs. You are berating her for not having the capacity to give you what you need rather than accepting her for who she is.

And as for the person describing withdrawing all support for their 90 year old granny- this is when I pray for karma - just shocking

I had a wry smile at the ageism here.

I am the same age as your Mum @HettyMeg I am the daughter!
I drive 5 hours on my own to see my Mum who is 99!
I've done this for decades.

I think your Mum is wanting attention. She's telling you she is unhappy. But not going about it the right way.
Is she a widow? Divorced?

I'd encourage her to do 50-50 with you driving to her. We did that with my parents for years ad years with 2 kids in tow.

Maybe you could encourage her to build more friendships locally- U3A, WI- church, choir, whatever she enjoys?

I am 70.

I drive 5 hours on my own to see my mum who's late 90s.
I've done the same trip for 50 years.

Plenty of my friends drive long distances .

I have a friend who's almost 90 who travels 3 hours by train. She books assisted travel.

I'm actually shocked at some posts here from younger women who won't drive far or even take the train.

That's great, but a bit of a smug remark. Ageing affects people differently and is subjective. Just because you drive long distances doesn't mean every 70 year old should or could. I have a friend that's been diagnosed with the early stages of dementia at 62. My father developed chronic heart disease at 63. I've also known quite a number of people in my peer group quite suddenly decline in their mid-seventies. These are people that you would never imagine would. And quite frankly I think it's generally fair to say that ageing doesn't exactly do most people a whole bunch of favours.

ignore.

most people lie.

lying to give a socially acceptable reason shy you don’t want to do something is very common.

It's meant to give a perspective, not be smug @ginasevern

MN is very ageist on everything.

Yes, of course, some people have limiting health conditions.
But I know far more people in their 60s and 70s - friends and family- who do drive long distances and always have.

I know a friend of my Mum who is mid 80s and drives a 3 hour round trip to her daughter.

I have a friend living in Europe who drives alone across 3 countries and takes a ferry to the UK to see her elderly family. She's almost 70.

The thing with driving is use it or lose it. If you only drive a few miles and never do, or have done, long distance driving it can be daunting. But the minute you stop (unless forced to with medical issues) you lose confidence and never get it back.

I don't do motorway driving at night because I find that harder, but I plan trips to avoid that.

Seventy but not elderly? I’m curious, what exactly qualifies as elderly in your view? Total physical decline? Wheelchair bound and blind? It seems the desire to cling to youth has blurred your understanding of what ageing actually is. A 70 yr old is elderly by most definitions, and statistically she’d be fortunate to have another 20 years ahead. That’s the reality.

This - many people in my and my DH’s family were dead before 70. People age differently dependent upon genes, underlying health (weight, lifestyle), MH, whether they are still in a partnership or alone etc. It’s wonderful that some people are running marathons at 90 and that others live to 100… but in the UK the average age of death is 80, with a distinct decline in physical and mental health seen in the decade preceding that.

I would visit my mother, if I was OP, check that the house is in good working order and that her memory, agility etc is still in top form and then (having excluded any issues) have a gentle conversation about whether there was a reluctance to come to planned meetings.

It's actually mid 80s, not 80.

The state pension is going to rise to 70 quite soon to reflect longer life expectancy. Many people still work p/t at 70.

As does the OP's mother!

@Summertimesadnessishere you walk a mile in my shoes and maybe, you'd get a glimpse of why. Not all little old ladies are lovely wee folk. My gran is very controlling and manipulative and those character traits are not new.

I live too far away to go running every time she decides I should. I have 2 children with very complex needs for whom I will be caring until I'm no longer able. So yes, boundaries had to be put in place, for my own wellbeing and my childrens' health and wellbeing. She needs to accept support from external sources otherwise, she's going to be in a very bad situation. For many, many years she has refused help from anyone other than those she dictated. Well I personally am not prepared to land myself in an early grave, further disadvantaging my children, for someone who is selfish, wants to contol those around her, and refuses to help herself in any way. Love and respect goes both ways and sadly she is unable to, and has been unable to, provide either along the way. Nothing is black and white. Family dynamics are complicated as are personal situations. I will not have anyone to care for me in my elderdom. But I will prepare for that and even if my children did not live with the challenges they do, and were able, I would absolutely not expect them to look after me as I age.

The stats show average age for male is 79 and 83 for a woman. You can argue the toss, but without detailed health background we have no idea what being 70 means for OP’s mother.

My mother was dead long before then; my mil and fil are active, despite broken hips and Parkinson's at 84. It is not ageist to suggest OP shows some compassion and investigates her mother’s health and wellbeing. FFS.

You are pushing her to come to yours she really doesn’t want to and to spare your feelings she is saying whatever comes into her mind. Stop pushing she doesn’t want to come to yours.

Longer life expectancy doesn't mean extended quality of life though. Things start to go wrong usually around the 70 to 75 mark. Things such as arthritis and osteoporosis and not forgetting the almost inevitable (for most people) decline in hearing and eyesight. A later state pension won't stop age related conditions.

Absolutely agree. You cannot judge what people are comfortable or not comfortable doing and what their health needs might be at any age.

I know lots of menopausal/ perimenopausal women who start to get more anxious driving as they go through this phase. They are still highly competent individuals in other areas. One of my highly competent and smart team at work doesn’t drive. She is too anxious. But hold her own in a tough sales negotiation. My female boss is really smart, juggles 3 kids and runs a 30 employee plus practice and has epilepsy so she can’t drive.

We need to stop seeing the world through only our own lenses. Just because you are 70 and drive for 5 hours it doesn’t mean everyone should could or would. I feel compassion towards this lady who is probably just lonely. I see so much harsh judgement towards people at times who are older especially and it’s a shame we don’t have a society or culture that values looking after their own. No wonder we see so much loneliness amongst the elderly. I remember my poor Grandad in the care home after my Grandma had died. He was left alone unless my parents visited and sometimes would phone me in tears because his slippers were ‘wrong’ and he needed different ones. He told me how terribly lonely he felt on his own day in day out. I lived 4 hours away and worked full time with 2 small children and my parents went in every day. But it was still horribly sad for a man who just wanted to be in his own home. I’m going to make sure that as much as my mum can drive me totally nuts I will still be there for her and my Dad. They did their best for me with what they had. I know love me and I will make sure their more difficult days are the best they can be.

@Octavia64 indeed - I can’t be arsed seems so much harder to actually say - doesn’t mean you don’t care or don’t want to see someone , just the fag of getting there if it involves long train journeys or driving can put ‘some’ people off and it’s not just 70 year olds - I would make sure she can do FaceTime or WhatsApp or something similar and do this regularly - my father in law is86 and 25 minutes drive away or40 mins on bus or train - if like today it’s horrible out then he doesn’t want to drive here and told us not to bother going over but we had a WhatsApp chat instead and he’s happy with that .

@Summertimesadnessishere I was making the point to give another side to the already 'judgemental'/ageist comments . It wasn't intended to be 'smug'.

IME of close friends and family (close to or over 70) many are still driving reasonable distances and travelling. The people I know who don't, never have at any age and don't enjoy driving. Yes, it's more tiring and I'd be the first to admit that, but it's sometimes a necessity.

I don't think the thread is actually about mobility, but about a parent on her own who is lonely. It's common for people who are lonely to exaggerate their circumstances in order to gain sympathy. It's their way of reaching out.

@HettyMeg Yes, I think you should take your Mum up on the misinformation about the weather and power cuts. You could ask her if she's feeling 'ok' and be more sympathetic. I don't know how often you see her but we used to see our parents every half term/ school holidays, so roughly every 6 weeks. We'd book a holiday cottage nearby and combine it so it was a holiday (as my parents' house was small.)

It might also be worth getting her to look into some computer classes for older people who are not confident with IT. (Or you could find one for her.)
There are classes and groups who offer this, so she could become more familiar with IT.

I agree.
But the reverse is also true.
Its not because the OP’s mum is in her 70s that she is automatically frail, can’t drive 3 hours etc…

My parents are early 80s. My dad still drives 3 hours and would be hugely offended if told he is too old to do that.
My mum doesn’t drive as much, mainly because she rarely drives as my dad is always driving!
Theyd have no issue with taking the train etc… either.

It’s not unusual. Nor is it unusual for people that age to start reducing how much they drive etc….

I oersonally think that often if you dint drive much, you loose confidence and slowly drive less and less, only local area etc….
So those who’ve never stopped driving 5 hours regularly are more likely to still be doing it when they’re 70yo. Whereas people like my friend who refuses to drive in the motorway at 50yo is likely to stop driving much much earlier on.

@Summertimesadnessishere that’s a lovely post , sad but empathetic - in all fairness I didn’t have a lot of time for many old people who seemed to be very needy or constantly moany - but I had a real heart to heart with my FIL one day who is86 - he’s very independent still and a lovely old chap, warm , witty, wise and loves a good time, ( lived in carribean and Singapore for a while for work , a bit old colonial) although also a bit gullible towards people like Farage because they look like they are bon viveurs and like a good time and essentially are all running on rose tinted glasses without getting that the business and international world has changed - what he did say though stuck with me , that all the people that formed your past and your connections are either dying or not at all 100% -, people are on the whole no longer interested in your views or experience, all your professional experience is no longer relevant in today’s world and to be frank you are yesterdays man, so all you really have is your memories and that’s why they are so keen to hang onto nostalgia, homes that no longer suit, independence even when it’s clear they need help , friends that have turned into tossers etc etc - since then I’ve gone out my way to include him in things -laugh at his stories etc because one day that could be me