I think my mum is lying

[HettyMeg]

My mum is 70 so not "elderly" but wasn't sure where to put this. She lives a few hours away and recently our relationship has not been great. Too much history to explain in a short post but she is emotionally immature and despite being independent in other ways is reliant on me to support her emotionally e.g. leaning on me for advice, being a confidante, etc. This has taken a toll and I'm withdrawing a bit as I don't get the same support in return and I'm fed up of the moods and silent treatment I get if I've wronged her somehow (in her eyes)

Recently I'm pretty sure she's also lying to me on a semi regular basis. Eg she was meant to be coming to see us but then told me was getting repair work done (after visit was arranged) and can't come or change it - bit of a pattern there of making plans then cancelling eg saying she is ill and can't come has happened lots of times. This morning she's saying her power is out because of the storm but I checked energy firm website to get an update and it said there was no power outage in her postcode.

How would you respond to this? I think some of it is exaggeration / embellishment of the truth rather than outright lies but I'm the type of person who hates lying / bullshitting and I'm just so fed up of it. Do I address it directly?

Not sure OP, maybe focus on being glad she's not coming by the sounds of it!

I think as we age, we are less inclined to bother doing things especially if it involves travel. She will probably rely increasingly on you visiting her, which means you can limit seeing her to times that suit you.

Good luck with the boundaries, not easy with a parent.

Totally agree with @Beachtastic that she's getting older and that when she makes appointments they seem a long way off. When the day comes around she would just rather stay home.

Is she actually leaving the house at all? I'd be worried if not.

Did she expect you to go over when she told you about the power being out? It's fairly clear you don't trust what she says because if my mum told me her power was out it wouldn't for one minute occur to me to check up on it! She'd be happy to check with the power company when it would be back on though.

I do think maybe some sort of face to face heart to heart about what may be troubling her/leading to these lies might be helpful but only you know if she's likely to open up.

@ClarasSisters yes she still works so is out of house most days. She isn't very good with computers hence why I checked the postcode thing for info about when power might be back on

I don't think she would expect me to go round as I live nowhere near - 3 hours drive away in stormy weather.

Thanks, she tends to shut down when talking about deeper topics, only times she wants to talk about deeper things is when she wants to reminisce / wallow about the past

@Beachtastic
@SeaAndStars yes I think that's right and already happening, she just doesn't want to drive far anymore. It's hard because we often go to her which isn't that easy with young kids to factor in, but I can tell the drive is becoming a problem, she won't admit it though and won't get train / bus instead which I've suggested

I'm in my 60s and avoid driving at night as I can't really see what I'm doing! 🫣

She's 70 and lives 3 hours away. I don't think its unreasonable for her to not want to make that journey.

Could be the distance in going to and from your house. You don't want to admit things are different as you get older. You don't want people to know you struggle with the drive, struggle to get trains. My grandma at 75 struggled to go from the settee to the kitchen but would she use a walker? Not a chance. She said people would see her and think things so she just stopped going out. She did not want people knowing she can't do the things she once could. It could also be depression. I make lots of plans and they fall through because I feel like I don't have the energy. I don't have the will to make myself do it. I don't feel like others want me in their space and just humouring me. So I will say yes let's meet up, I will come round and am genuinely wanting to and am excited to. Then when it comes to the date getting closer I think this isn't don't that isn't done, I've got to shower, and then it makes me feel worse and I can't bring myself to do it. Don't think that it's deliberate lies as it sounds to me she's struggling rather than being inconsiderate.

I've noticed some people's default is to lie, even if there's no need.

E.g. say a child is sick so they can't go, when in fact they are doing something else.

I don't know what's behind them doing that - in some cases they had a very tough upbringing so maybe it's a survival instinct.

BTW we have no water but according to the website there are no outages.

She doesn't want to make the journey. It's common for older people to lose confidence with driving, especially on motorways. My own DM and D aunt stopped going on motorways sometime in their 60s.

Does she still work full time? She's probably exhausted and just needs to spend her time off resting.

The power companies are not always right or up to date with problems. If it's a local outage they may not be aware, busy with bigger problems with the weather today, have you or her reported it?

I hate to tell you but she is elderly and probably doesn't want to drive that far and public transport isn't great. I wouldn't want to drive that far in this storm either

I'm sorry this is happening. I would, if possible try and nip this in the bud so you dont end up where we,are.

My granny, in her 90s, sounds very similar. For almost all of her adult life she's had people running after her, doing her bidding. Now my dad, her son is very ill and unable to. My sister and I due to our own family situations and where we live are unable to. Up until now we have helped with various bits like online food shopping, admin etc. We were also emergency contacts for her. Over the past 18-24 months she's taken to pretending to fall, pretending to be ill and even goes as far as pretending sufficiently that her alarm system call an ambulance. All mostly predictable and we'd know when to e,pect an incident. She gets to hospital , refuses to get out of bed and is eventually sent home. We have raised our concerns about her behaviour and mental health during each hospital admission to no avail.. She still has all her faculties. We've now sadly gotten to the point that we have withdrawn all support for her. We will visit when we,can but we will no longer be doing anything else. She is pretty much housebound and has up until now refused all forms of external support offered. Refuses to have Internet of various pieces of equipment which might help. So right now we've had to pull right back to get her to a place where she has no option but to accept external support from carers etc.

We are burnt out from dealing with it. Don't let this be you.

I'd guess that she is struggling to do things due to her age and isn't ready to admit that. Losing independence can be really tough.

You don’t come across as very patient or empathetic in your post, but I accept that could be due to exasperation.
if she’s 70, still working and living alone, she might just be exhausted and up to all the things she’s agreed to. She might be scared to be honest with you, you do appear a touch angry. Plus if she’s “immature emotionally” as you put it, she won’t have the skills to navigate your negative responses to her situation and feelings.

You could try asking her calmly and kindly if she’s ok?

Whens the last time you were in a car with her. DPs dad has always been active, sharp and is in his 70s but kept making excuses not to come down two years ago. He is 3 hours away also.
He eventually came down at christmas and he drove me and the kids a few places and his driving has deteriated to the point I felt it was unsafe. I said it to my DP and he got in the car with his dad and said the same. We were so worried we told him not to drive to us and we would go and collect him if he is coming down or go to him. He is now rapidly declining in various areas, forgetting things, odd comments and suddenly really scared of intruders.he was in the military for 30 years so he is not a timid man but now he is really worried about things and also stockpiling stuff.

Maybe 'white lies' are her version of boundaries

@Navyontop your post reads as if you’d expect the OP to be empathetic and kind just because it’s her mum and she is elderly.
Im not sure if I got that right.
But I believe that being angry is a healthy emotion. It’s often the sign people have walked over our boundaries or take advantage of us. It can also be the sign you’ve reached your limits (eg getting burnt out).
So basically the answer might not be kinder and more empathic.
Or saying that the mum is frightened of the OP. If she is still working, she isn’t a frail old woman vulnerable etc…. A victim of the OP anger, especially as poor her doesn’t have the skills. 😏😏

re being emotionally immature, unfortunately I agree the OP will have to navigate that. And having two emotionally immature parents, I can tell you it’s hard work.

@HettyMeg that’s only my experience but she isn’t going to change now. So the best you can do is detach from the more ‘outlandish’ behaviours like lying and act within your boundaries.
She says she has no power? Oh dear. I hope it will back soon. (She might just be looking for a bit if attention). Don’t propose to come unless you’re actually happy to do it.
She can’t come? Oh well that’s a shame. Let me know when you want to rearrange. It might be that she has issues with driving. Or that she doesn’t like night time driving. Or just that she prefers to be at home. That’s fine. I’d act as if she’ll tell you what’s the reason when she is ready and stop wondering about the whys iyswim.

It's quite a long way for a 70 year old to come. Maybe you should be visiting her. Does she drive?

Bloody nora - she's 70,still working and you're puzzled about her cancelling a 3 hour each way trip? I don't blame her, I wouldn't fancy it either. It sounds like you wouldn't want to make the journey to see her?

I agree with the pp who said that it seems doable a while away but then when the time comes she's just not feeling up to it. Then doesn't want to tell you she's just knackered and makes something up.

I feel for her, still working at 70.

If it's a 3 hour drive it must be a long journey on public transport as well, and trains are horrendously unreliable these days. I honestly don't blame her for cancelling. Why not just accept you won't be seeing her as often?

I hope you took the car keys off him if he’s that unsafe?

Op , your mum is elderly and no matter how you slice it ...shes getting on a bit. She is probably struggling to do things and if shes emotionally immature shes gonna struggle to express herself. This might be just struggling or it might be the early onset signs of dementia.

I would say 70 is elderly OP

I’m very nearly 68 and I’m flying to a European country for two days’ work tomorrow. Good grief people are talking about a 70 year old as if she’s 110. Perhaps she just doesn’t want to see the OP but can’t be honest.