Problem diamond ring

[BeMintFatball]

My mother was given her mother’s diamond ring after her death. Nan died 47 years ago. .
Now my mother is very old and frail. We have spoken about her wishes for after her passing. She has singled out one niece that she would like the ring to be given to. However mum has several nieces and none of the others have been bequeathed anything.

I can already see this is going to be an absolute shit show. The others are going to feel hurt even if the reasons for the decision are explained.

For clarity the Will states that I inherit everything. The matter of the ring is verbal instruction from my mum not explicitly stated in the Will. I don’t want the ring. It holds no sentimental value for me.

Do you agree I point out to mum how unfair the others will see this. But then what happens to the ring? The only other surviving child of my grandmother is my Uncle. That would make sense it’s his mother’s ring we are talking about.

Personally I would like to sell the bloody thing and give the money to charity when the time comes. But that would also cause an uproar. My cousin asked my mother to show her the ring today. Awkward as she is not the niece that mum intends to bequeath the ring to.

I need to have a conversation with my mum. Knowing
my mum she won’t have the balls
to explain her wishes to the wider family and I will get the fall out.

The last few months I have had a basin of my mum saying one thing to me and another to my cousins. She’s been quite two faced and I’ve felt played.

Sorry that turned into a rant. What would
you do?

This is good advice. But also if your neices are disappointed because of something your mum has done that’s not your issue to solve. You are taking too much responsibility (typical when you have a difficult mother).

Relative of ours had written in will that expensive jewellery was to go to granddaughter.( her sons daughter )
but spent her life telling her daughter it would go to her .
Dishonest and a horrible thing to do .
At least you have the chance to chat to mum and possibly write down what she wants to happen .

So you are your mother’s ONLY surviving dc? And everything goes to you?

the nieces are your mother’s siblings dc yes?

your cousin who asked to see the ring is your uncle’s dd yes?

why would they feel entitled to anything. This is YOUR mother. She has left everything to YOU. Whatever verbal instruction she gave you as her only dc and the only beneficiary to her will is for you to carry out. No one else gets a say. If anyone complains just tell them to go have it out with her (which they can’t as she will be dead). Presumably there is no advantage to you to give it to your one niece so that’s evidence enough that she asked you to do this.

what she may have told other people is irrelevant as you are her dc and the only beneficiary.

The OP says there isn’t a whole lot of jewellery to share out

Agree, get her to do an informal letter of wishes, keep it in her jewellery box.

Which is why I said "or other small keepsake".

Eugh, the dramas I have seen over such things. I feel for you. In your circumstances I'd suggest either:
-If no-one else knows about her comment, keep the ring yourself for a while and decide what to do after some time has passed.

• If more people do know, well that's fine it's her decision, not yours and you are not responsible for it, for what she does or says or thinks.

My MIL is still alive but I am aware she has made some spiteful bequests in her will in order to divide and settle scores with daughter in laws in particular (although the solicitor advised otherwise). DH and his brother are executors and will have to smooth over as best they can and not hurt or offend as she intends.

It’s not in the will and it’s low value, I would humour your mother. Decide what to do after her passing. Is there a specific reason for that niece getting it? If so just explain what it is if you decide to pass it on.

If she has promised it to more than one person, just explain your mother was confused etc and suggest selling it and splitting the proceeds unless they come up with another solution.

IMO it’s pretty pointless leaving objects to nieces/nephews that they don’t want anyway and if they are not close. Unless it’s a small amount of cash I wouldn’t bother.

@bumbaloo you have got most of right. I am an only child.

Mother was the eldest of 3 DC. Her younger sister died 20 years ago and was the mother of the 3 eldest nieces. Had the younger sister still been alive Mum would have given the ring to her.

The youngest sibling is the uncle. His 2 children are the youngest niece and only nephew. They never knew Nan as she passed many years before they were born. Youngest niece and nephew are not part of the drama.

Yes, I would ask your mother to give it to her niece now. Problem solved.

Encourage your mum to give niece the ring now. Then it's out of your hands and her wishes are fulfilled and any ire of the other nieces can't be directed at you! My godmother did that. She left everything in her will to her stepdaughter as her husband/ the dad had bought the house etc. She had some nice rings too which came from her side of the family. She gave those to her goddaughters after she was widowed so we had something personal of hers and she could enjoy seeing us wearing them while she was still alive. She also didn't want to give her stepdaughter the burden of having to locate and allocate the rings as well as getting probate, selling the house etc.

I agree with pp that she should
do an “expression of wishes” letter and perhaps it could include keepsakes for the others too. A painting or an ornament or clock or whatever for other nephews/ nieces.

She can also write something nice - they’re not legally binding but they help distribute things without rows.

If it’s only worth a couple of hundred I don’t understand the drama. I’m sure there is plenty of sentimental tat in an older person’s house to dish something out to each niece/nephew without too much trouble.

If a solicitor is out of the question you could have a conversation with your DM and suggest she gives the ring before she dies.

So the niece she wants to receive the ring is the dd of her younger sibling? Not one of your own dc?

Exactly! Your DM wants Niece A to have the ring, she can’t give it to all of the nieces can she? If the others aren’t happy about it, it says more about them than your DM.

I would get your mum to write up a letter detailing who gets what and then you have got that for backup when dealing with the estate. If she just gives the ring to one niece and nothing to the others then since it’s not worth much, get it valued and give the other nieces the monetary value and get them to choose another piece of jewellery that they would like.

I have spoken with my mum. I have repeated that I have no interest in the ring for myself .

I have spelt out the fallout from her giving the ring to Niece C from Niece A and B but particularly Niece B.

We agreed that it would be less controversial if she gave the ring to her brother. But she doesn’t want to do that , she has her reasons, let’s not go there. Instead she now says she wants to give the ring to her nephew ( her brother’s son) as he is saving for a house deposit.

We can’t agree on the ring value. I think it’s low worth , she thinks it’s a quality ring. She’s never had it valued or specified on her insurance. She has given me permission to take the ring to a jeweller for a valuation.

I have stressed whatever she decides put it in writing, make her wishes clear. She asked me to draft the letter and I flat refuse. I told her the letter must be in her own words.

That makes no sense OP. If she wants to give the ring towards the nephew buying a house, is she expecting him to sell it and use the money?
I think your mum needs to know the financial value of the ring. Once she knows that, she can decide who to gove it to now, so that you’re not on the receiving end of any fallout. I think a letter from your mum to the recipient confirming the gift is a good idea, along with a video of her freely and willingly handing it over in case it’s subsequently challenged.

Legally everything is left to you which makes it easy. Just give the niece the ring and give the others another small item each. No need to make a big thing of it or point out that only the ring is being given at your mum’s request.

Also I wouldn’t put anything further in writing. At the moment you hold all the cards and can just give the items as gifts. I think you are over complicating it.

@thinkfast my mum is giving the ring with no strings attached. She is fully on board with the ring being sold to financially help the recipient.

It could be argued that it would make more sense to sell the ring now and give the money to whoever as a gift whilst she is alive. However, I don’t think she wants to part with it before her death. It was her mother’s and I think that gives her comfort. As a piece of jewellery my mum doesn’t actually like the ring either. It wasn’t my Nan’s real engagement ring. The original was lost in a house burglary. My grandfather bought this ring secondhand with the insurance money pay out.

Your mum, bless her, is being ridiculous.

If she’s happy for it to be sold after her death, she should leave it to you with instructions to sell it and divide the proceeds equally between her nieces and nephew.

It’s very silly leaving a ladies’ diamond ring to the one and only nephew.

If she’s deliberately seeking to exclude this or that person from benefiting from it, she needs to take responsibility for that by writing a letter explaining what her wishes are and that none id this has anything to do with you.

You’re doing the right thing to persuade your mother to write a brief letter. All it has to say is ‘the diamond ring in the Samuel’s box goes to Niece C, the blue china candlesticks go to niece A’ etc etc.

However, I would lower your expectations as to the likelihood of avoiding post death drama of some kind. I guess it is already happening, but someone will kick off about this. You’re right that a letter by your mum is the way to minimise it.

We had this in the family and my mother, bless her, did write something. It definitely defused the broiling row between my brother and my sister to a minimum. I’ve now offloaded most of the stuff I got to others because the whole thing made me feel sick, though I must admit I have held on to one thing and probably would have protested if anyone else had laid claim to it. So I’m no better than anyone else.

@BeMintFatball What made your cousin ask to see the ring> did they all want the ring when your gran died or was your mum the only daughter? do you not have a daughter or niece who would like the ring? there seems to be an awful lot put on this ring if it isnt valuable?? do you actually know the insured value of the ring?

It’s your mum’s ring and she wants her granddaughter to have it. Ask her to sign something saying this and keep it in a safe place. You might want to gift the other grandchild something of sentimental value yourself. They may not be aware of the difference.