To relocate family nearer to elderly parents.... or not?

[Felissia2011]

We have spent the past 8 months agonising over whether to relocate the family 250 miles south to move back to live nearer my aging parents (78 & 84). There is no major urgency, but they are not getting any younger. We are paralysed with indecision!

It makes very little financial sense to move (north to south which would mean a bigger mortgage or a house downsize, with less money to save for the kids futures - currently we are almost mortage free in a decent sized house) and it makes very little practical sense (leave my stable job with virtually no commute, very well regarded local high school which we will definitely get a place). I also worry about moving the children from where they have grown up and have friends.

However if we move we would be near my parents and other family, the new area is probably nicer, some schools are actually better (if we can get in) and I could probably get another equally good job, albeit with a commute. However none of that is guaranteed of course.

It feels a bit like a head vs heart decision: head decision for me is to stay put, heart decision is to move. However I worry it is the opposite way round for the kids - they probably want to stay, but know that moving is the sensible thing to do. That makes the choice even harder!

How on earth do we decide what we should do!?

I would really appreciate your thoughts! Thank you!

I think it's a heart decision to see them more, for my children to have a closer relationship with their grandparents, and I would probably prefer to live in the south (I was born and raised there). We have a practical and comfortable life where we are, but I don't love it. I don't love the area and I don't particularly love our house. My job is OK, but could be better, but life is relatively easy. Kids are moderately settled - likewise they don't love it, but have some friends. Life is easy here, but could be better. Or worse!

OP, this paragraph is quite telling - I think your deep down desire is to move back south with your family because that's where you really want to be, regardless of where your parents are!

That's understandable, why not, and the bonus is you get to be near your ageing parents and the rest of the family.

You probably have an ok job because let's be fair most jobs have the odd hard day. Your husband works from home. Your eldest child is coming to secondary school age and has a good chance of getting into a good local secondary school. You said they have not found their tribe as yet so to speak. I know a child like this and once they got into secondary school they found their tribe. They are now in university and doing well.

The next thing you said is that your mortgage is not a high amount and will be finished soon. I have friends with teenagers and some are in university. The expenses get higher at this stage especially at the university stage. Getting close to a paid off mortgage gives you a chance to save money for this stage and put more into your pensions also. Then it gives you the option of going part time if you want at a later date.

I have friends with elderly parents. They said that as the parents got older they have this expectation that of course you can call to see them or can drive them to appointments. They don't seem to realise that you have a job or that the kids have things on. I also know parents who despite being in good health, still driving and with plenty of free time don't do anything to help out their adult kids like collecting a child from school or offer to do a bit of babysitting for a few hours to give the mother or both parents a break.

I have seen friends doing elderly care for years and by the time the parent dies they are physically and mentally exhausted. They find that siblings are suddenly to busy, move, change jobs ect and are quite happy to have someone there to do it all.

In your situation you need to think of yourself, your husband and kids and do what s best for you all. I would not be moving near your mother. Then your trying to find a job, disrupt your kids education with no guarantee of getting into a good school and taking on a larger mortgage for a longer time just when your kids are coming into a more expensive stage. This will effect you all long term if you do this.
Also if your current employer is a good one they might be mores flexible with giving you say a few hours off on a Friday afternoon if you need time to go to your mother.

In your situation I would be getting your parents to make their home as age prof as possible ie getting new carpets, installing a wet room and removing stuff they no longer use or need. If they need more help in the next few years you can arrange careers or give other family members time off at the weekends. Get poa for finance and health sorted out as well when they are both in good health.

Thank you everyone. You have given me some really good insight into the situation and have made me ask myself some tough questions. It’s really appreciated. It’s always so useful to get a new perspective on a situation especially when you have been so immersed in it that you can’t see clearly anymore! Thank you

The jobs market at the moment is insane. Very little out there, although it is sector-dependent. I don’t think it would be sensible to relocate in the hope of getting a job - relocating for a better job you’ve already got would be different.

It also sounds like your children wouldn’t get a better deal at school and would have to leave friends behind? Would a different house in the same area be a better solution?

Also, be aware that being close to elderly parents can be a nightmare! If you’re working full-time you’re unlikely to be around for what they’ll end up wanting - lifts to medical appointments - whether you’re 250 miles away or on the same street. You can still do a lot from a distance, such as helping them set up food deliveries, book taxis. And it sounds like they might not be available much at the moment to spend time with you and your children if you did move?

Put it this way, even if you’re an hour away from them, that’s still half a day of your time to deal with any issue. Two hour round trip plus the time to take them to the hospital, GP, supermarket etc. You won’t just be popping in.

You say they have busy lives.

They knew they wouldn't see much of you so probably made their lives busy.

Do your children have cousins in the South? It's lovely to grow up with cousins.

Just something to think about.

Sorry no way would I move. It doesn’t sound like there is a good enough reason.

I think many people will continue to live far away from parents due to uni and social mobility. So really I think it’s to be expected.

Can you move to a nicer maybe smaller house in a nicer part of the same catchment, or would your elder child lose her primary pals if you did that?

I appreciate your dps desire not to make long drives but do they still travel eg on holiday? Could you mini-break together sometimes somewhere between the two homes? (Eg the peak district is less than 3 hrs from Gloucestershire I think?)

Depends on everyone's means, abilities and interests of course, but just something else to chuck into the mix

Listen to your head and not your heart. I'd stay where you are and live your life.

Your brain, not your heart, makes the decisions and even if you did move there is only a finite amount you can potentially do anyway for your parents. Carer burnout is a real issue and your family life would suffer too as a result of that.

If there are other family who live near your parents then I would stay put. It is simply not worth the upheaval to all the family. Maybe you could make sure to visit more often and to keep in touch on Whatsapp etc.

I am retired and expected to have a jolly time, but was flattened by the death of my OH, then a heart attack - not what I had planned!

Two of my AC live locally and one lives 150 miles away - no way would I expect her to shift her entire family down here to be near me. She is in constant contact and came to stay with me and worked remotely from here to look after me when I had the stent and pacemaker.

I do not have any wish whatsoever for her to disrupt her life for me.

It sounds like you actually would like to be nearer your family? In which case yes id move , the kids are small and will make new friends. I wouldnt move if it was ‘only’ to be there if your parents need you. Anything could happen on that score, i’d work that out if and when they do need you.