To relocate family nearer to elderly parents.... or not?

[Felissia2011]

We have spent the past 8 months agonising over whether to relocate the family 250 miles south to move back to live nearer my aging parents (78 & 84). There is no major urgency, but they are not getting any younger. We are paralysed with indecision!

It makes very little financial sense to move (north to south which would mean a bigger mortgage or a house downsize, with less money to save for the kids futures - currently we are almost mortage free in a decent sized house) and it makes very little practical sense (leave my stable job with virtually no commute, very well regarded local high school which we will definitely get a place). I also worry about moving the children from where they have grown up and have friends.

However if we move we would be near my parents and other family, the new area is probably nicer, some schools are actually better (if we can get in) and I could probably get another equally good job, albeit with a commute. However none of that is guaranteed of course.

It feels a bit like a head vs heart decision: head decision for me is to stay put, heart decision is to move. However I worry it is the opposite way round for the kids - they probably want to stay, but know that moving is the sensible thing to do. That makes the choice even harder!

How on earth do we decide what we should do!?

I would really appreciate your thoughts! Thank you!

How about your parents move nearer to you?

DH and I are 73. We are considering moving closer to DD and her family. No childcare needed 2 late teens kids. No care for us needed at present but think it would be easier for DD later if we move closer. She and her family welcome this idea. Would that be a goer for your family. Like you were haven't made any decisions yet. Heart for me is to go. Head is to stay . Expense of moving and being near good teaching hospitals v more contact with DD.

I’m afraid my immediate thought is that I definitely would not move. I think once your children are settled in school it is a very big decision to move. Tbh my entire social circle now is still the friends I met when ds was a baby and he’s 21, so to me it started long before school.

I particularly wouldn’t move when there’s no actual need! I’m on the thread about how to prepare for your own old age, and sure that’s important, but right now from what you say your parents are fine, everybody’s happy. Anything could happen and you can’t at the moment know which particular variety of old age they are going to have. Making a decision like this not knowing what that would look like may well mean the wrong decision.

Why is this a heart decision? It sounds as if you have made a great life where you are - what exactly is pulling you to move? Are you sure you don’t mean a guilt decision?

Are they considering moving near you?

This. If it's about parents needing help, they should move.

What are you expecting to be doing when you’re closer? Sounds like you’re a teacher, so you won’t be able to drop everything when they call, you won’t be running them to appointments, and in term time you’ll have little time to be doing their shopping, cleaning, life admin etc

Being at the sharp end of this already I would suggest if it’s for their benefit and they want you at hand then it’s them who should move. Alternatively, put some time into finding cleaners, gardeners, handy(wo)man local to them before they’re necessary, and make the trip down as and when you can.

Not an option - they would hate it and it would take them away from all their other family. We are the only ones who live far away.

Can the family who they don't want to leave then provide support and you can from a distance?

Thankfully it's not really about them needing help (yet) - they are in excellent health and never want to be a burden on me. It's about moving to just be with them more as they want to travel less in their old age. Also they have all their other family near to them already and so it's only us who are far away.

Thank you for the perspective from the other side. We are the only ones who live far away - my brother and family already live in the south, along with other family, and so it doesn't make sense for them to move away from all of them to us. My children are 10 and 6, but no childcare needed or expected. Sadly I'm not even actually sure they want to spend significantly more time with their noisy grandchildren having lived in peace and quiet for 20 years(!), but I really would like to eliminate the 5-7 hour drive every time we do see them. Dad is driving less and less now, and we only really seem them twice a year now. Looking to move about an hour away, and it would make visiting so much easier, and of course when the inevitable happens we will be on hand. Not an easy choice.

I think it's a heart decision to see them more, for my children to have a closer relationship with their grandparents, and I would probably prefer to live in the south (I was born and raised there). We have a practical and comfortable life where we are, but I don't love it. I don't love the area and I don't particularly love our house. My job is OK, but could be better, but life is relatively easy. Kids are moderately settled - likewise they don't love it, but have some friends. Life is easy here, but could be better. Or worse!

I wonder what makes me sound like a teacher? I'd love to know! I'm not actually but do have a professional job which isn't easy to take time off from.

I think at this stage I just want to spend time with them, and make the most of them! They really don't need any support at present but I miss them (and they might miss us too!)

Waiting is certainly an option, but my eldest starts high school in Sept 26 and so it feels like a natural point to make a move. It's certainly not a necessity though, and we could just wait until a crisis occurs

Sorry, I think I mentally inserted ‘to a’ in the middle of ‘virtually no commute, very well regarded local high school’.

I wouldn’t move when the crisis happens, the timing could be awful. What do your DP and DC think about the move? Sounds like a heart decision in your part, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Good luck either way.

This!

I wouldn't prioritise your parents over your own DC/family. Move if that's where youd rather Iive but otherwise, no

We live next door to my parents in law - by design. They moved in while in their early seventies and about 5 years after we bought our house. It wasn’t to help out with childcare, we had that sorted and youngest DC was in their penultimate year of primary. It’s been really great for all of us and the DC are super close to them. Now they’re older they’ve had lots of health issues recently. I’m not sure how we would have managed if they’d stayed in their old home which is about 1.30h away.

Absolutely not. Your own lives, and crucially those of your children, are way more important. What if your parents both die within a year or so? Then you're stuck somewhere you don't want to be, for no good reason.
It is not your job to be their carer.... childfree people manage perfectly well, and they have no adult children to rush to their side.

I wouldn't. Often at that age they are busier than you imagine and have their own social life and friends. If however you want to move back south then do it for you, not out of some kind of 'duty'
If you'd prefer to be closer to other family for example. You'll need to factor in the huge differences in cost of property moving from north to south and other costs are high too.

My parents are 83 and 88 and in the past year have both ended up in nursing homes. I couldn't have done anything being closer as I work full time. My sister lives closer but also works full time, it's no fun giving up your annual leave !! Distance need not be distant and 5/6 hours drive with that age group just means planning your journeys, possibly staying overnight etc. My ds was very close to my parents as a child, now at 23 he lives 300 miles away and is also working full time.

Presumably they still have active lives and given all their other family is there, it might mean they don’t have that much time to spend with you.

It’s a lot to give up and will hugely impact your children for no guaranteed benefit. If the schools are that good, they might not get in and you could find yourself having to do multiple school runs if they are at different places.

I personally wouldn't sacrifice my children's stability and community for ageing parents. As I've grown older I realise that children really value continuity and their friendship and school ties are much stronger than it seems to outsiders. The kids will want to please you of course but don't underestimate how much they are attached to their home community.

But if you want to move you need to do it now - the transition to secondary is crucial so you want to make sure your eldest gets a chance to go through the induction process from the beginning.

ETA we were in this position and decided not to move. Slightly different circs. Both my kids are so happy we didn't. My teenager loves that some of his friends are kids he's known since nursery.

I wouldn’t. I think there are too many downsides and the potential benefits aren’t certain enough. I understand the ‘urge’ to be near older parents, but my mum moved to be near me and it’s not always great 🤣

If you don’t live where you live but have a comfortable life, I would look at moving locally to a house/area that brings you joy.

I would look further into schools - they need to be good ones

I think you have a really useful point - I think they are probably too busy to see us! They are probably used to their quiet life!

They are excellent (Gloucestershire) - some better than our local, although our local is very good (and the reason we move to this house to be be in the catchment area)

We moved (partly) for similar reasons, and it turned out my ageing parents have very little interest in their grandchildren - my kids don’t have a closer relationship to them now than they did before we moved. It’s really not a guarantee, especially if they already have full busy lives.

I can see them more often and more casually, which is an advantage - it’s nice to be able to see them for lunch once a fortnight for example, rather than seeing them intensively for a few days like it was when we visited.

It is definitely (and obviously) helpful when they need help - there was a recent health crisis and I was able to step in and provide support/practical assistance. But my siblings who live far away were all also able to help (supportive phone calls, researching medical options, arranging appointments and prescriptions etc), so I don’t think you have to be nearby to play your part in future.

A hard choice for sure - we did have other reasons for moving, so for us it’s been worthwhile, but I don’t think we would have moved just to be closer to them - especially if other family lived nearby so we didn’t feel we had to.

Could you not visit more often?