To relocate family nearer to elderly parents.... or not?

[Felissia2011]

We have spent the past 8 months agonising over whether to relocate the family 250 miles south to move back to live nearer my aging parents (78 & 84). There is no major urgency, but they are not getting any younger. We are paralysed with indecision!

It makes very little financial sense to move (north to south which would mean a bigger mortgage or a house downsize, with less money to save for the kids futures - currently we are almost mortage free in a decent sized house) and it makes very little practical sense (leave my stable job with virtually no commute, very well regarded local high school which we will definitely get a place). I also worry about moving the children from where they have grown up and have friends.

However if we move we would be near my parents and other family, the new area is probably nicer, some schools are actually better (if we can get in) and I could probably get another equally good job, albeit with a commute. However none of that is guaranteed of course.

It feels a bit like a head vs heart decision: head decision for me is to stay put, heart decision is to move. However I worry it is the opposite way round for the kids - they probably want to stay, but know that moving is the sensible thing to do. That makes the choice even harder!

How on earth do we decide what we should do!?

I would really appreciate your thoughts! Thank you!

Put the needs of your kids/partner first.

I don" t think that leaving your current home, jobs and schools and disrupting your kids' lives in this way is worth it.

Also remember that if you move closer it is likely they will expect you to take on the role of their main carer.

I would not do it if I was in your situation.

@Felissia2011 how old are your children? Are they settled in school?? If they are I would think very very hard about disrupting their lives. Yes it would be lovely to move nearer your parents but is it really worth it?

This rings true for us. I’ve often suspected my parents might not be that interested in spending much more time with the children although I love the idea that they might. It’s a really useful perspective so thank you - it’s definitely making me think

Prioritise your DC and what is best for them. Depending on their ages they may deeply resent you moving them away from their friends.

They are going into year 2 and year 6 - big move to high school coming up next year, hence lots of thoughts of transitions and moves. We don’t like the primary school they are currently at, but it is very convenient (walkable) but high school (also walkable) should be good. Littlest is a bit oblivious to where she is. Eldest is not hugely settled - hasn’t quite found her tribe although last couple of months have been better with some nice friends. They are all starting to plan the big move to secondary school and I hate to deprive her of all that excitement, although I do wish we lived somewhere else!

There is NO way I would do this in your circs. Its madness to the point i wonder if you just need externally confirmation so you can put it to bed.

You yourself know in your heart of hearts your parents just aren't that interested which begs the question...why bother...?

You would need new jobs in a very uncertain economic climate as well as a much bigger mortgage when almost mortgage free...(I have a 3 and 1 yr old.and am staring down the barrel of a 22 year mortgage at over 40! I'd bloody love to be within tasting distance of mortgage free) huge to give that up and for what?

The strain of...the house move... the financies....the jobs...the school move... the children... their friends of lack of
...your friends....your husbands friends!... your disappointment at the reality of your family.

Don't do it.

The kids are young, so moving will be easier. Do it sooner rather than later.

Looking long term, say 20 years ahead, are you wanting to be in the south? Forgetting the parent factor.

a smaller house in a nicer area with nicer schools sounds good

Just to say if you are assuming a grammar school in Gloucestershire (as the good school down south) I would be very wary! The competition is huge & many children are basically trained from birth to get in.

We moved to the same town as DP’s parents.

Before we moved MIL was so excited, saying she’d love to see the kids more etc. We live walking distance from their house and see them about once a month when they ‘pop in’ unannounced to say hello (inevitably most of us are out!), they talk at the kids and leave after 20 minutes. Never looked after them or taken them out, never babysat, no sleepovers, no interest in the kids interests… They are perfectly nice people, just not very interested in their GKs esp when they were younger and now they’re older, the kids aren’t interested because there’s no relationship there.

So don’t assume the gPs will want to see you any more than they do now!

Have you asked your parents their thoughts? And your siblings? Talking about changes before they happen makes a big difference. Getting their input on how they see aging, and if you did move there would they have time for you, etc. Do they see your brother's children regularly? See what their vision is their future looks like, and think about what you want for YOUR family until both are our if school.

Honestly it sounds like you don’t much like where you are, but that doesn’t mean a move to nearer your parents makes sense! It may still be sensible to move but somewhere else….

My mum is always very careful to say very little as she doesn’t want to influence us. She says we need to do what is right for us. She never wants to be a burden. Although she does make jokes about being “out” when we say we would be able to pop over more with the kids. It’s making us think twice whether they really want it tbh

Could you plan a holiday with them soon - do they do that? October half term? It sounds like you’re really missing them and that’s absolutely fine. Tbh a week of more time with them might ease these feelings a bit…

That’s a really interesting thing to think about - thank you. I need to really think if maybe I just want a change

I’m so sorry it’s not worked out as you imagined. I do worry it might be the same for us as my parents aren’t super interested now - they are so busy! We’re trying to work out of the move works for us as well overall because, as someone said, they might die in a year or so and then we’d be down there building a life alone. It’s such a hard choice

🧐🧐🧐🧐😵‍💫🫤

Sounds like shes sending a different message to "i dont want to be a burden"

I think the poster who said you want to move fron current location has it. And I think you should listen to your mother and do what you want and whatsits you and your family....

What does your DH think? How would the move affect his job?

Your posts are focused on your head/heart, your older parents, does your DH have a preference? Is he also originally from Gloucestershire?

Sounds like you need/ want a change and if thats the case, then figure out what that is, but don’t let the daughter guilt cloud your vision.

TBH it sounds like you’ve left it too late to plan a move. You have to apply for secondary schools by 31 October - not sure how much flexibility there is if you’re moving house but it’s looking a bit risky. Have you checked the timelines?

I wouldn't move. It's a massive upheaval which doesn't make any sense. If they already have family nearby and are in good health, why would you?

He works exclusively from home for a London company and his family are all abroad so not an issue (apart from his grown up daughter who is even further north!) He wants to do what is best for the family but is also undecided

If your eldest is just starting year 6 now, then I think it’s too late for a big move? I hadn’t clocked that. But you’d need to be applying for secondaries very very soon (and sitting 11plus if it’s a grammar area very soon).
If you move during the year it will be a case of seeing which schools have spaces, and they won’t be the most popular ones.

Eldest is registered for the 11+ but we aren’t too sure if she’ll sit it as we didn’t think any of the schools would really work for where we are planning to move. We definitely wouldn’t be there in time for school applications so we’d have to move to a catchment area and chance it on the waiting list. Which is why giving up a certain place at the outstanding school near us is such a hard choice

There’s no way I’d give up a place at an outstanding secondary to take a chance elsewhere. Honestly let go of dutiful daughter guilt and stay put!

I wouldn't uproot my own family for my parents. My parents moved to us and we moved in laws to our town when they both had dementia. Its a lot for your children to give up.