Am I being unkind to my 85 year old widowed father?

[Twodogsonthecouch]

My mother died 2.5 years ago. My father has been struggling since and not getting much better with the passage of time. He lives very close to me, about a 5 minute walk. I have 2 other siblings in the same city, one about 15 minutes drive, the other on the other side of the city so approx 30 minute drive. My father is physically well. Independant, still driving, cognitively very well. Has plenty of money but he is very lonely. He lives alone in a large house. I work 4 full days a week in a demanding professional job. I have 4 adult children, one still in university who lives with me. I am very close to my children and we enjoy spending time together. I try to get out for a walk or to the gym after work. I also try to meet up with friends. I am involved in 3 voluntary boards and have meetings in the evenings after work for these. Bottom line is my life is busy and I enjoy it. I have been a parent for 30 years and have always worked and feel I deserve the freedom I now have to advance my career and enjoy my hobbies.
Since my mother died my father comes up to me in the evening around 6pm and stays for an hour. It was 5 days/week but I reduced it to 4 days and my husband takes him out to dinner one evening also so it's now 3 days/week. He often spends the weekend with us.
I do find it tying to have to be at home at 6 but 3 days a week is ok.
He has now announced that he finds the day very long. He wants to increase the amount of time he spends in my house. He wants to be able to come up in the afternoon for a "change of scene" and will be there when I come home from work and can stay longer. I really don't want this. I want to be able to go to the gym or for a walk without having to walk out and leave him alone behind me. I don't want to be committed to a time every day. He has also said he is sick of cooking every day (welcome to the club!) so I think feels he should be able to have his dinner with us. We are vegetarian, he's not and would not like the meals we eat. Even if he did I don't want to be back to having to have dinner on the table every evening as I did for years when my kids were small.
He has no interest in involving my siblings as they would come to him in his house and he wants to leave the house. I think he probably wants to live with us.
I feel very selfish for not doing what he wants. I know he is very old, lonely and grieving. I also feel he cannot have it all on his terms. I don't think it is fair that I should have to sacrifice my happiness for his. My siblings would be very happy to be included but he wants to have the freedom of coming and going which he can do with me as he is so close. He loves a glass of whiskey every evening which he can have in my house as he walks. If he went to theirs he would have to drive and so could not have a drink
I know I'm not being selfish really.. I just need reassuring and advice on how to say this without hurting him.

That’s a good idea.

Just been through exactly the same thing with my Dad. He was the same age as yours. We lost our lovely Mum unexpectedly and he was lost.

Its okay for people saying encourage him to get out and get hobbies etc but my Dad just didn't want to. No amount of encouraging would get him to go out because he didn't want to go anywhere without my Mum. It was really sad. Over time he got less sad but he was very lonely. One thing that helped my Dad was their dog. He had to go out each day, at least for an hour, to walk the dog and the dog was a great source of comfort to him on days when neither myself or my sibling could get to him to spend time with him.

One way I looked at it was yes, its inconveniencing my life for now, and I don't want to have to care for someone but he is my Dad. My Mum would have wanted us to be there for him and help and support him as much as we could. And after everything he did for us, and the things he gave up for us, I felt it was my time to give back and I knew it wouldn't be forever.

People on here saying he is being selfish. Yes, he is. But he can't see past his own loneliness right now and he is very obviously still grieving. Losing your life partner is a massive trauma and grief isn't linear. My Dad pined for my Mum everyday and he existed, rather than lived, without her. We did our best to help as much as we could.

Saying that though, you do need to try and carve time for yourself and try and find some compromises somewhere so you are not unhappy and unfulfilled yourself.

I mirror other peoples opinions in that your siblings are not far. They have to do more to keep him company and do their share. You have TWO other siblings who should be sharing the load a little more and take some more off you. Please sit them down and discuss it with them and come up with a plan that is fairer on you.

Just to say, love him while he is here. My Dad passed away suddenly in his sleep one night. We had no idea the last time we saw or spoke to him would be the last time. Like your Dad, he was well, fit, independent and still driving. He had been well. He was alone when he died and I hate that. But at least he died and I have no regrets and I know I did my best for him right until the end and I know how grateful he was to me for this.

I think women do so much better than men..My mum was widowed in her 60s. She's now 80 and out doing a million hobbies and meeting tons of friends.

My parents moved my grandmother in when she was 88 and had just had a series of very serious heart attacks she was lucky to survive (having been in good health and independent until the first heart attack). They thought they were duty bound and had been led to believe that she'd be lucky to have one more Christmas. She lived with them for twelve fairly fraught years, during which she fired all carers and helpers arranged for her.

Just a cautionary tale, which I always think of when people are told that a parent in their 80s won't be around long. Ypu never know - it could be 15 months or 15 years.

Glad to read that you're not going to be guilted into putting your life and career on the back burner op - it sounds as though you do plenty already and your father is fully able to do more for himself in terms of lunches out, going to your siblings' etc.

I don't think you need to, or indeed even should, put your life on hold for your dad. Let him know he can come over but you do have plans in the evening so he will have to entertain himself for a bit.
If he wants to join you for dinner, then he will need to eat what is on offer. I'd only accommodate food allergies and intolerances and a vegetarian meal isn't going to hurt him.
I hope you and your siblings come up with a plan to share the load and they can have him over theirs for the evening, or even the weekend.

I agree, I just don't think a lot of men are good at making friends.

I suggest your father tries some of these

Join some local groups in your area eg lunch clubs

Go to local pub quiz

Go to local museums, theatre, races, comedy

Join some local fitness classes or walking groups

Join
National Trust, English Heritage or equivalent
RSPB

Litter picker in local area

VOLUNTEER , easy way to meet new people
1000s of opportunities, some provide free food

Sounds like he's lonely and needs help.

So sorry to hear about your dad passing. I just had to come on and comment as my dad was exactly the same as yours. He never got over my mum dying and despite all my best efforts to get him interested in lunch clubs /dominos club etc when it boiled down to it he just wanted my mum. They were together 61 years and did everything together.
He lived (or more existed) for five years before he passed away last October and I did everything I could in that five years to try and make him happy again but it was never enough really.
I went every day to see him as I lived round the corner, paid his bills, arranged a Tesco delivery etc. My two siblings were pretty bloody useless despite me reaching out and asking for help. I was on my knees trying to run two households and provide emotional support to everyone.
I don't regret what I did for him as I appreciated how much my parents sacrificed for us but he did become more and more selfish and self obsessed, he never stopped grieving and couldn't see that I was also struggling.
OP please get your siblings on board as they do sound willing. Get them to do a day each in week, pick him up for his tea and a whiskey. You are doing more than enough and you'll end up becoming resentful (as I did) and you don't want to ruin your relationship with your dad.
I miss my dad (and mum) every single day so it's important that you stick to your boundaries, get your siblings involved so that a) your dad isn't as lonely and b) you protect your emotional health.

OP my my mum lives 5 minutes away she’s a similar age and I can go days without seeing her, she’s at lunch clubs, coffees, WI, meeting friends etc even my DHs 92 year old grandad was at club, meals out and active.

Your dad has health, mobility and money he essentially needs to get out more there is a big community of older people who are living busy active fun lives and he needs to step out of his comfort zone and join in.

Thing is I’m assuming your mum did most of the social organisation and he’s not got a clue where to even start? But maybe you DH can help him find some clubs or hobbies. I do get sick of the the load always being on the wife and mum.

Time for your siblings to step up! If your dad can drive then he can get over to them, if he even visited each of them 2 days that’s a small sacrifice for them but you’d be able to live a s not be a faux wife, you need to be a daughter to him but so do your sibs!

Agree with others that the support can be shared between the family. My dad is in a similar situation, I visit and do some cooking, then we get some ready meals from Waitrose, M&S and Cook, which are all pretty good. He has also found an Age Concern weekly meal to attend and a walking group for those who can only manage short walks. With those events he now has a fairly active social life.

Op, you sound lovely and already doing a lot for your DF. He sounds a little selfish which can be quite common among older people. A meeting is needed with your siblings and they need to step up and do more.

Any social groups or luncheon clubs ?

One thing that struck me OP is that you seem to feel you have to treat your father as a guest, entertain him, cook his dinner, when he is in your house.

Is there a way to change that dynamic so that he can be there but acts more as someone living in the house, eg everyone is still doing their own thing, he makes his own cups of tea, entertains himself by reading, watching tv etc?

Are there things he can do to be useful around your house?

Could he make dinner for your family?

I guess one of the issues is that timescales are uncertain. If you felt he only had a year or two left you might feel ok about giving up your own activities for a while but he could live for another decade.

A friend is really struggling as her parents moved into a granny flat at her house many years ago and are still alive in spite of various health issues which means they are relying on her more and more and it's becoming quite stressful for her.

He’s lucky to be in his current situation at 85. He has money, mobility and good health. I’m sure he misses your mum but he needs to get out and meet others in similar situations.

This. In spades.

I am sorry about your Dad too. They do sound very similar in how they coped with things. My Dad definitely never got over my Mum's death. And no amount of coaxing would get him out to do anything. He just didn't want to. He found comfort in his own home where he felt close to Mum.

It was hard work being there for him all the time and helping with shopping, sorting bills, taking him to medical appointments, making sure he was eating etc. My Brother had it worse than me to be honest. He lived a little closer and he relied on him more and loved the male company my Brother provided. He also became a little selfish with the time he was beginning to demand off him and towards the end my Brother had started to feel a little resentful too. Which is why its important the OP makes sure her other siblings are doing their bit.

I was glad that I did what I did for him though as living with regret is awful and I wanted to make sure that I never had that and I always knew I had done right by him. He knew he was loved and appreciated right to the end and I do know he appreciated us. I just feel sad that I never got to say goodbye. But then I didn't when my Mum died either. Both my parents died alone and with no goodbyes. Its tough.

Is there a gentlemen's club in the centre of the nearest city? My father goes to his once a week. Sees his old friends (who joined with him) and new friends he's made there. He calls it his therapy.

My father is 5 years younger than yours and recently widowed for the second time. His social life is better than mine. He does U3A and Rotary and golf. The U3A stuff is a mix of active stuff like walking and dancing and then going to history talks and pub lunches. He volunteers but that might be a Rotary thing rather than independently. And he's on a couple of committees. He never used to cook or clean but realised after wife#1 he needed to. Wife#2 was not interested in doing it for him either. Occasionally he lapses and lives off M&S ready meals but he can host a dinner party for 6 now because that was one of his U3A groups!

It was a huge change for him to become this guy - he was made redundant at 55 and didn't work again, around the same time he became a carer for his first wife and then at 65 he joined all these groups and now he's unstoppable.

Is your father happy with his life as it is?

He’s absolutely not happy, every day when I ask him how his day was he tells me how long and difficult it was. He gets no solace in being in his home because he finds it so empty without my mum; which is why he thinks spending more time in my house is the perfect solution.
I really appreciate the solidarity and validation for how I’m feeling. Of course I am aware he could die at any time and that I should appreciate every minute with him. That however only contributes to
the guilt I feel at wanting to retain my freedom.
I am also very aware that he could live for years and I really don’t want to spend years resenting him.
I am very close to my siblings and they are great. I definitely need to sit down with them and work out a plan. My dad was always a very competent leader in his life and it’s hard for all of us to make the adjustment to him being vulnerable

He could run a U3A class? They are pretty much all run by members.

He'd need to join first and go to a few classes to get the idea.

I bet he has good knowledge of something others would be interested in.
History ? Art appreciation? Anything really.
Ours has a packed lunch club. You all bring your own and eat together.

Book clubs are fun too.