Am I being unkind to my 85 year old widowed father?

[Twodogsonthecouch]

My mother died 2.5 years ago. My father has been struggling since and not getting much better with the passage of time. He lives very close to me, about a 5 minute walk. I have 2 other siblings in the same city, one about 15 minutes drive, the other on the other side of the city so approx 30 minute drive. My father is physically well. Independant, still driving, cognitively very well. Has plenty of money but he is very lonely. He lives alone in a large house. I work 4 full days a week in a demanding professional job. I have 4 adult children, one still in university who lives with me. I am very close to my children and we enjoy spending time together. I try to get out for a walk or to the gym after work. I also try to meet up with friends. I am involved in 3 voluntary boards and have meetings in the evenings after work for these. Bottom line is my life is busy and I enjoy it. I have been a parent for 30 years and have always worked and feel I deserve the freedom I now have to advance my career and enjoy my hobbies.
Since my mother died my father comes up to me in the evening around 6pm and stays for an hour. It was 5 days/week but I reduced it to 4 days and my husband takes him out to dinner one evening also so it's now 3 days/week. He often spends the weekend with us.
I do find it tying to have to be at home at 6 but 3 days a week is ok.
He has now announced that he finds the day very long. He wants to increase the amount of time he spends in my house. He wants to be able to come up in the afternoon for a "change of scene" and will be there when I come home from work and can stay longer. I really don't want this. I want to be able to go to the gym or for a walk without having to walk out and leave him alone behind me. I don't want to be committed to a time every day. He has also said he is sick of cooking every day (welcome to the club!) so I think feels he should be able to have his dinner with us. We are vegetarian, he's not and would not like the meals we eat. Even if he did I don't want to be back to having to have dinner on the table every evening as I did for years when my kids were small.
He has no interest in involving my siblings as they would come to him in his house and he wants to leave the house. I think he probably wants to live with us.
I feel very selfish for not doing what he wants. I know he is very old, lonely and grieving. I also feel he cannot have it all on his terms. I don't think it is fair that I should have to sacrifice my happiness for his. My siblings would be very happy to be included but he wants to have the freedom of coming and going which he can do with me as he is so close. He loves a glass of whiskey every evening which he can have in my house as he walks. If he went to theirs he would have to drive and so could not have a drink
I know I'm not being selfish really.. I just need reassuring and advice on how to say this without hurting him.

Spread the load amongst your siblings - couple of nights over at their house. If he has a drink they can drop him off home or he gets a taxi. You deserve to have downtime without having to entertain him every evening.

He’s being selfish. Yes, it’s really really hard losing a life partner but he’s not helped himself. Mine was widowed years ago, and I was around a lot for the first year, but then I moved away, eventually ending up five hours away. That really helped though as it made her go out and form relationships rather than being dependent on me.

You're doing a huge amount, and you could be looking at another 15 years of him taking over an increasing amount of your life. What happens if you want to go on holiday? Or when you have grandchildren and want to spend time with them?

Could you reduce the dinner down to once a week, make it a family meal (ie you all eat the same) and if he wants to drink alcohol he needs to get a taxi. You can’t force your siblings to step up, but you can remind him he could spend time with them, “oh, we’re busy tonight, why don’t you see what Sarah is doing?”.

I’d consider moving him in but on the clear understanding that you are NOT going to change your routine and there will be plenty of ‘sort yourself out’ dinners every week!!

Make sure he knows how much you will be out etc and don’t change anything.

Just the comings and goings of a family might be enough to make him feel less alone - even if he ends up still largely in his own company.

He is mobile and wealthy - he needs to find friends and interests of his own. Your current set up is more than generous, anything else he needs to seek out himself.

My mother hinted at this type of life but I would not let her be infantilised. She us do adult and perfectly capable of making friends etc. She now had an independent life with lots of interests (and has a lovely boyfriend😀)

Your sibs need to collect him one night a week each. That’s all it would take to relieve you massively.

You tell him that you are at a stage of life where you don’t have set mealtimes and don’t cook every night. Decades of doing just that has made you really enjoy the flexibility!

Help him, but not the way he’s asking for.

You are absolutely within your rights to say no to this - you have the right to have your own life.

Maybe you could find some local social groups for him to go to, we have loads round here. Would he consider joining the U3A?

You are all right. I am going to get onto my siblings next week to organise a meeting and make a plan. We are really going to have to try and get him to make some stab at having a life independently too, he’s just very hard to motivate and has reasons why everything suggested won’t work.
The business about the dinners etc is definitely partly generational too. He would deny it vigorously but I’m certain that he sees it as woman’s work

You need to articulate to him that, now that your considerable responsibilities to your own children (explain he will not understand this as a man who did not do the mental load/emotional support/domestic shitwork for his own children) is finished, it is your turn for a tiny little bit of freedom in life. That tiny little bit of freedom is not possible if he effectively makes himself your new child and it all starts again for you.

You have lived the whole of your life so far putting others first.

He benefitted from another woman, your mother, doing the same.

Enough.

Ah OP you are already doing so much for him. Your siblings definitely need to step up more.
im in a similar boat, but my dad has the church, is church warden and a walking club with some of the church members and it has been a godsend.
my brother is also <sponging> living with <off> him (my dad waits on him hand and foot, he’s 43 ffs) so he has company, but still feels super lonely a lot of the time as bro is in his room all the time. It’s hard for their generation. And at their age, finding the motivation to make new friends is so hard.
my dad understands I have my own life though, and actually doesn’t like to impose.
like you I often feel selfish for not seeing him enough, or doing more for him, but I physically don’t have the time or energy!

This is what I would do.

Get your siblings involved. Do not agree to longer hours, dinners or anything more. They need to step up.

Could he get a stock of ready meals in?

Regarding the dinners. I suggested he switch his meals around. He usually goes to the local village in the morning to do some shopping and go for a walk. He really likes the small hotel on the village green and the staff there know him.
I suggested having his main meal at lunchtime in the hotel and then he could just have a sandwich in the evening. It would also give him something to do and get him out of the house. He said it would cost too much. I’m really not convinced at all that that’s a valid reason

He really sounds completely lost. Are there no activities for elderly people in the area? Lunch clubs, bridge clubs, visiting gardens etc? He needs to stop relying on you and develop some resources of his own. I wouod be very firm and tell him he has to try something once a week. Take him there if you can. He needs to be made to venture out. What is he interested in? A birdwatching group? Historical talks? There must be something .

There are loads of things he’s interested in theoretically. I think fundamentally he’s not great socially unless he’s the leader. He was very successful academically and in his career. He was involved with lots of committees etc but always the chairman. I don’t think he sees himself as one of the crowd.
my mum had loads of interests, music, art, history, travel … and he followed her to things and places when he retired. Until she died I don’t think anyone, including himself, realised he had no individual interests or friends

You are not wrong at all OP. He’s healthy and wealthy. He may well also be depressed. What does he like doing? The men I know of that sort of age who are in good health tend to be quite busy. Lots of them do have a lady friend, which it sounds like you wouldn’t mind and would keep him busy

That aside, does he play cards? Would he learn, if he’s quite middle class, sorry to assume and stereotype, then there’s loads of opportunities to play bridge which is social. What about a walking group where they meet, have a stroll and a pub lunch and then walk back. What about a book club or something. My mum, admittedly 10 years younger has got quite into going on coach trips with her village / WI friends. She’s seeing a few west end shows she wouldn’t see otherwise as she finds public transport too stressful.

you’re right though. Given his health he needs to get himself out and about. What about doing some volunteering? I know lots of men his age who are involved in things like community libraries or mentoring

He sounds like my dad. Won’t be on any committee unless he’s in charge. Are there no widowers of your mums friends he can pal up with

It really feels like a situation where no good deed goes unpunished.
You kindly extended regular visits to your DF, and here he is wheedling and demanding more.
Please don’t feel guilty about having some boundaries, you are doing more than enough already.

Honestly I would be tempted to pull back a bit. Go on holiday for a couple of weeks, spend weekends with your adult DC.

It sounds like he has lots of other options and possibilities, but goes for you because it’s easiest for him. Removing yourself from the equation for a short time may encourage him - and your siblings- to look at alternative plans.

Do not do any more for him OP, and definitely don't move him in! You'll end up doing everything for him and he'll have 101 reasons why you need to/should. I can't believe people are suggesting that!

He is making excuses for everything you suggest because he wants a substitute wife and thinks you're the best candidate. He's being incredibly selfish and needs to get himself a life. You have your own life, don't put your life on hold for this man who I can guarantee won't appreciate any of it.

Would he be up for joining the U3A if you have one in your area? It’s a good way to get out and about. They have lots of activities to choose from. My dad went to a few classes and enjoyed them. Admittedly he was reluctant at first.

He really does need to get out and meeting other people/building relationships whilst he’s still physically fit and able to do so. It’ll be easier whilst he’s driving still. Think of it in terms of building his resilience so, when he does start to need more care, he has more relationships around and it doesn’t all fall on you.

As for the meals. Years ago I had elderly male relatives who would go and have a pensioners’ lunch several days a week. Always on the same day. I think, after their wives died, they had no idea how to make a meal and this meant they got one. A lot of places still do a cheaper pensioner deal - pubs, fish and chips, garden centre cafes etc. If he gets into a routine with it, he’ll get to know people there too.

My elderly relative had a similar idea about meals, albeit at much greater distance. A few examples of the reality soon changed her mind. I didn’t set out to be difficult, but the reality of commuting, family life etc meant we eat a lot later than she’s comfortable with and food she doesn’t like. So when he does join you for dinner don’t bend over backwards to be accommodating - have a meal at a time that works for you and don’t cook special food!

Things I’d try:

• Stop having whiskey in for him.

Also, have you a Probus club he could join nearby? It’s for retired professionals, so he might meet others on the same wavelength.

FIL is similar, and basically relied heavily on SIL until he found a second wife (3 years after MIL died).

The reason it had to be a lady friend and not a friend-friend was that a friend-friend would not tolerate him being the sergeant-major and the friend scurrying around organising his life for him. Which was what FIL wanted.

He now has a nice life again of second wife cooking, cleaning and organising nice trips out for them, which he doesn’t need to expend any mental energy on sorting out. I’m not entirely sure what is in it for her, but she seems happy enough too.