Am I being unkind to my 85 year old widowed father?

[Twodogsonthecouch]

My mother died 2.5 years ago. My father has been struggling since and not getting much better with the passage of time. He lives very close to me, about a 5 minute walk. I have 2 other siblings in the same city, one about 15 minutes drive, the other on the other side of the city so approx 30 minute drive. My father is physically well. Independant, still driving, cognitively very well. Has plenty of money but he is very lonely. He lives alone in a large house. I work 4 full days a week in a demanding professional job. I have 4 adult children, one still in university who lives with me. I am very close to my children and we enjoy spending time together. I try to get out for a walk or to the gym after work. I also try to meet up with friends. I am involved in 3 voluntary boards and have meetings in the evenings after work for these. Bottom line is my life is busy and I enjoy it. I have been a parent for 30 years and have always worked and feel I deserve the freedom I now have to advance my career and enjoy my hobbies.
Since my mother died my father comes up to me in the evening around 6pm and stays for an hour. It was 5 days/week but I reduced it to 4 days and my husband takes him out to dinner one evening also so it's now 3 days/week. He often spends the weekend with us.
I do find it tying to have to be at home at 6 but 3 days a week is ok.
He has now announced that he finds the day very long. He wants to increase the amount of time he spends in my house. He wants to be able to come up in the afternoon for a "change of scene" and will be there when I come home from work and can stay longer. I really don't want this. I want to be able to go to the gym or for a walk without having to walk out and leave him alone behind me. I don't want to be committed to a time every day. He has also said he is sick of cooking every day (welcome to the club!) so I think feels he should be able to have his dinner with us. We are vegetarian, he's not and would not like the meals we eat. Even if he did I don't want to be back to having to have dinner on the table every evening as I did for years when my kids were small.
He has no interest in involving my siblings as they would come to him in his house and he wants to leave the house. I think he probably wants to live with us.
I feel very selfish for not doing what he wants. I know he is very old, lonely and grieving. I also feel he cannot have it all on his terms. I don't think it is fair that I should have to sacrifice my happiness for his. My siblings would be very happy to be included but he wants to have the freedom of coming and going which he can do with me as he is so close. He loves a glass of whiskey every evening which he can have in my house as he walks. If he went to theirs he would have to drive and so could not have a drink
I know I'm not being selfish really.. I just need reassuring and advice on how to say this without hurting him.

He is being selfish not you. He needs to find a lunch or hobby group and not rely on you. If you set firm boundaries now both him and you will be happier in the end. If money is no object he shouldove now somewhere that has built in activities for him but persuading him may be hard

He needs a girlfriend / lady companion. Or a hobby.

I'd look for a compromise .I'm going to be blunt with you, but he'll soon be gone and this is a relatively short period of time. Maybe give him a key and say he can come for dinner twice a week but he will need to eat what is on offer. He can let himself in and will need to fit in with you. Or just let him move in, but you crack on as normal with your life. I speak as someone whose dad has gone and wish I'd been a little more flexible when he was here. Having said that, I'm not suggesting you give your whole life up.

I’d agree that you don’t have to accept being made into a substitute wife.

I do have sympathy for his situation but the fact that you as a family are spending a substantial chunk of time with him
4 x a week is pretty good.

Whst he chooses to do otherwise is up to him - I can think of a lot of things but it has to come from him. U3A would be the obvious starting point, perhaps some SAGA singles holidays. But I think you are perfectly within your rights to resist any expansion of his time with you.

Just be prepared to be dropped like a hot potato if he finds a lady friend. But it sounds as if that wouldn’t concern you - and tbh my dad’s string of girlfriends were all very nice and a bit of a life-saver tbh.

I was prepared to come and say YABU but you actually do spend a lot of time with him.
Can he hire a meal service?

Let him, let him come over more or for longer but absolutely keep 100% to YOUR schedule and activities.
Change nothing, he can slot in if he wants to but he doesn't get to change and demand things from you or your family.

I think your dad is lucky to have you all so near and you all sound pretty loving.

Does he have any hobbies or interests? There's the Men's Shed network which might be of interest if he's handy or into diy. Perhaps a film club, a history group, an art class or a physical activity (bowls, pickle ball etc)? It sounds as though he needs company and something to actually do.

It sounds like you do loads for him already op. I wouldn’t do more if it was me, you run the risk of burnout given how much you have on your plate already. If he wants to just come over and hang out - and you are ok with that - I’d do that but change nothing about how you live your life (he eats veggie for example, and maybe brings his own whisky if you don’t want to buy it). He slots in, or doesn’t come over.

You need to discuss with your siblings it is LUDICROUS that that are not helping out more.

He should stay at each of their homes on rotation every third weekend, and they should fetch him at least a few days per month to spend the afternoons/evening with each of them for dinner then take him home.

If he comes to you for dinner then he eats what you eat, vegetarian or not! It won’t hurt him.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to need your own time and space, you are already doing a lot for him.

Or just a friend? Not sure why they have to be female

Yes cant your sibling fetch him and drop him back? He's 85! Then he can eat meat and drink with him/ her.

Exactly this. My elderly father is always complaining about his health but on his ‘club’ days he can’t zoom out the house quick enough. We all need something to keep us going as we age.

So what you’re saying, OP, is that he wants a relationship entirely on his terms. He says the days are long - yet he’s not prepared to visit your siblings who live in the same town. Of course he’d like to come to yours every day and have his dinner made - who wouldn’t? If getting his own meals is too much for him, perhaps he should think about employing someone to help him, if money isn’t a problem. I do know that particularly older fathers seem to take it for granted that their daughters will look after them, and indeed expect them to give up their own lives in order to do so. It’s just not fair. You say your siblings would like to be involved - so involve them. If your father wants “a change of scene”, get them to take him out. If your Dad likes a drink if an evening, suggest your siblings come over and pick him up, and he takes a taxi home. It’s not reasonable that all the responsibility should fall on one sibling, OP, and you are entitled to your own life.

You need to encourage him to build his own life - get hobbies and do social things without you. He can get a takeaway once a week so he doesn't have to cook, go to a pub quiz once a week, and go to a book club or fishing once a week - even if he only did one thing, it would make such a big difference. He needs friends his own age.

If he likes a drink, can he find an "old man" type of pub where he can sit at the bar and become a regular? I'm not suggesting he drinks lots of alcohol but even if he just has one drink once a week, he'll become part of the community and get talking to people.

Is there any volunteering he can do? He sounds bored! Any village committee or neighbourhood watch or anything that he can get involved in? Something where he feels like he's doing something useful. It might be a good option if he's not one for hobbies.

It's not fair that he's using your house as a social club, expecting to be able to come and go as he pleases. You're busy! You might want the house to yourself sometimes.

I'd reduce his visits to twice a week and get siblings to host him perhaps once a fortnight each on rotation (or whatever they would be happy with) so he's still around family a lot and still has plenty of company.

This. I’d let him spend as much time as he likes with you or in your house, on the understanding you have other commitments too.

I think as you get older, and you know you don't have so many years ahead of you, you get scared. And you want to be around family more. And this can make you more needy, depressed and, yes, selfish. At least that's what happened to my dad who was the least selfish and most independent person ever until he got old! I think you and your husband are being brilliant with him and there's no need to feel guilty. But do bear in mind that at this age they can suddenly go downhill really fast. Maybe keep doing what you're doing now, and encourage him to socialise outside more.

You're not being selfish OP, you already spend so much time with him. I think you just need to lay out some boundaries. Maybe introduce him to some clubs in the area. My mil pays someone to come visit and keep her mother company twice a week for a couple of hours in the afternoon which helps too. Unlike the other posters I would not give him the keys to your home to come and go as he pleases. I don't think it's healthy for grown adults to have their parents in their space whenever they wish. You deserve to control who is in your space and it'll be really difficult to take away the keys if you start to find his presence annoying.

His expectations are way off. The wants of someone towards the end of life don’t trump those of others in the prime of theirs.
It’s sad he’s lonely but that’s unfortunate. It’s not families responsibility to plug the gap. What were his plans for coping as he aged?
I would be fearful of his increasing demands as he ages tbh, this will only get worse.

I think you and your siblings need to agree a plan with him, because right now you're seeing him four times a week and they're seeing him when? They live a bit further away, but not much. They need to pull their weight, pick him up, have him over for dinner once a week, and the three of you have him to stay for the weekend in rotation. No more you having him every bloody weekend! The current situation, where you are shouldering all the burden and they none is not even remotely fair or equitable. Also, does he have no friends?

Bottom line OP, you're entitled to enjoy your home, your privacy and your time as an adult without swapping mothering four DC for mothering your DF. He could live for years yet and I really think a kind, but honest conversation needs to be had. You want time to decompress, exercise and spend by yourself. He can't monopolise your time and FGS don't let him do it now or you'll have this burden for however long he lives. IME old people like to not only have things their own way, but also to have a routine that they stick to, come hell or high water. If you allow him to get his way on this you'll never be able to stop it without a huge kerfuffle. Now is the time to gently, but firmly push back.

He's being selfish, by accident or design. But you're an adult, he's an adult...so sit him down and have an adult conversation with him.

Why not get your siblings together and suggest they each figure out a way of getting him to their place one day a week.

I'm sympathetic to your father. Widowhood is much, much harder and soul destroying than younger people in the thick of family life realise. But I think men of a certain generation find it even harder because they've been "looked after" all their lives - firstly by their mothers and then their wives. They haven't just lost love and companionship, they've lost a cook, a maid, an entertainer, an organiser and the rest! I'm a widow and know many other women in the same boat. None of us would dream of imposing on adult children like this and quite frankly, we're far too independent to want that sort of co-dependency. OP, you must rope your siblings into this. Spread 3 ways the burden won't be so bad and it's terribly wrong that you're left to shoulder it.

Thanks so much everyone, it's very much how I feel but I needed to hear that I'm not beeing unkind to him or selfish. I love my dad, and I really don't want to start resenting him If ne needs care in the furure then I will definitely do as much as I can. At the moment though it feels like his wants are trumping my wants as opposed to his needs if that makes sense.
@FancyNewt I completely agree it's a relatively short time, but he's very well and has not deteriorated at all in years. He could easily be here in 5 years time, and I really hope he is. And 5 years brings me from 60 to 65. I have just taken on a new and very senior role at work having put my career somewhat on the backburner ofr years. I'm really lucky to have got headhunted into it because people recognised my experience and wisdom.. I want go out on a high if possible and be a really positive role model for women follwoing after me, not least my daughters. I do not want to go back to putting a caring role ahead of my needs again. X

What are your siblings doing to support you Dad?