I am really not sure how much more I can take at the moment in time.
My parents are in their early 80's. Mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2018. I have helped my father with mum (she has several other health problems including breast cancer) since lockdown. Over the years I ended up taking on more and more 'chores' from them and nearly had a breakdown a couple of years ago as I was struggling to take on their work, my work and my home life. I started a thread back then and was advised to scale back. I did this but still visit them 4-5 times a week.
My father did not like me doing this. He has always been someone who will speak his mind with a 'Please or offend' attitude. Over the years he has fallen out with most of his friends (and neighbours). He can say some very scathing and unnecessary things and it's always under the guise of 'Oh, I was just having a laugh with you, you can never take a joke these days' - believe me, some of the things he says are down right nasty and personal and he just can not seem to help himself. He has always been this way and I used to think he was just a jokey kind of guy but I now realise as I have aged that it's not kind or jokey at all, it is always at the expense of the other person. I am still not sure if he does this intentionally or genuinely believes he is being funny. Sadly, I think it may be the former as he usually has a smirk on his face when he delivers such words.
But things were bumping along ok. Mum was ok, she would go to a day centre twice a week which would give dad time to himself, which he needed. Mum had a lovely carer in every morning to hep shower and dress her and between my sister and I we would pop in and check on them and help with whatever needs to be done. It was hard work but we got on ok (ish).
But that all changed 8 weeks ago. Mum fell in the garden, she split her forehead open, broke bones in her hand, dislocated her knee and fractured her neck. She ended up staying in hospital for over 3 weeks. This has been very detrimental to her dementia which very much worsened whilst there. They were allowing mum to soil the bed and wouldn't help her to the commode or toilet. She went into hospital fully continent and is now double incontinent.
She returned home and we honestly though she would die, she was unable to talk, was bed bound and seemed to be giving up but between my sister and I we have managed to find a team of wonderful carers and mum now gets out of bed every day. She is doing so much better although still sadly double incontinent, I doubt this will ever change. Mum is and always has been a very gentle, kind and happy person, she has never said a bad or nasty word during her disease, she has always been such a lovely mother to my sister and I. My mum is not the main source of my stress, never has been.
My dad however, is simply getting more and more bitter, depressed and nasty. I totally understand hence the reason I do so much for him. Yet he does not appear to appreciate it and seems hell bent on making everyone else's life a misery too. He refuses to go to the GP for help, I have spoken to our GP and she says she can help him but obviously I can not make him do this, only advice and he gets angry at me for even suggesting it. He will not speak to a dementia nurse for help/advice either (I speak to them regularly and find them so helpful and understanding). He will constantly say his life is over and no-one else has this kind of bad luck etc. He is 84, he has had a great life doing everything he ever wanted, I only wish I had the life he has lead up till now. He travelled, ate out, was out golfing 3 times a week, riding his motorbike whenever he wanted, saw friends at the weekends and has lots of money. He never once had to care for a parent, both his parents died quickly from old age. He (and my mum) have lived a golden and privileged life. I do feel resentful that he will not reflect on this and seems hellbent on making mine and my sisters life a misery. It feels as though he may as well admit and say 'My ship is going down and I am taking you all down with me'!
I secretly hate going to see them now, he moans about all his neighbours to the point he is obsessed with them, he never has anything nice to say about anyone and will say some very hurtful things. He tells my 19 year old son he is fat and now he won't go visit anymore, dad then he moans that his grandson never sees him (my two dc are his only gc).
I am off this week as my dh has a week of annual leave, he works hard in a very physical job and hasn't had much time off this year. My dad was fully aware we are of this week, I told him and my sister well in advanced and pre-warned them I probably won't be round so much but would pop in whenever I can and his reply was (in a very sarcastic voice) 'Yeah, you really need time off don't you cause you are such a hard worker (with an eyeroll)'. I simply came back with 'Well, yes we do deserve a few days off as we are both frazzled and you know that but you just can not help youself can you dad, you just HAVE to come out with something nasty every time'. He never replied and I never gave him time to reply as I said my goodbyes and left. This was Monday and I haven't seen or spoke to him since (which is unusual for me as I ring if I can't ever get to pop by).
On reflection I am feeling bad for not just walking away and I probably should have kept my mouth shut but I was feeling particulalry unwell on Monday due to my health issues. and I can only take so much, we all have a breaking point. My sister (who will always defend my father as they are very much alike) says I should have just sucked it up and not retaliated but I don't see why I should take constant shit from him when all I am trying to do is help and to try to make his life easier.
How can I deal with this moving forward? Mum will need to go into a care home sooner rather than later there is no dount about that, it is obvious dad can not and does not want to live this way anymore. I know putting mum into a care home will ease a lot of stress for us all but he is moaning constantly how much the private carers coming in 3 times a day is costing him and he will moan even more with the care home fees. My parents will not qualify for any help with care home fees and it will cost an absolute fortune sadly.
But even with mum in care, one of this will stop his bitterness and awfully sharp tongue. I have been reflecting a lot recently over him and am coming to a realisation that he may be quite narcissistic? He does appear to have many of the traits and old age and caring for my poor mum has brought this all to a head.
How do I deal with him moving on without falling out with him? I honestly feel as though I want to run away from it all at times.