Non driving parent expectations

[Onlyadaughter]

DF passed away 2 years ago almost and DM doesn't drive because she's too anxious. She has a licence but my dad drove her everywhere so she's not been behind the wheel for years. I take her to get with groceries etc every week and the occasional hospital appointment. Sibling helps with errands sometimes but flat out refused to do groceries so I'm doing that every week. For a while DM wanted lifts to her various medical appointments as she'd had a turn and didn't feel safe walking but thankfully she's been better recently (plus I told her she needs to walk, it's only 10 minutes away and took me longer to drive to her house 🙄 ).

A neighbour died recently and DM is hoping to go to the funeral next week but she's informed me she has a Dr appointment an hour before so "someone" would need to give her a lift. Sibling is away so can't do it. I'm working but she will be expecting me to ask for time off to drop her at the church. I'm not sure if she would be able to walk there in time but it would take me 15 minutes to drive to hers then I'd have to hang around at the medical centre waiting before taking her to the ceremony. Obvious answer would be taxi but she doesn't like trying to organise taxis when she's not sure what time she'll be available. Not sure what to do or say I'm sitting here silently seething and wishing she could fucking drive.

Maybe tell her you can't get the time off but you'll organise a taxi for her. She won't like it but what can you do if work "won't let you take the time off".

Online food shopping and taxis need to be in her life.

Well the sibling needs to help with groceries either by doing an online shop for her taking her list via phone or teaching her how to do it so neither of you has to. Or taking her. If they refuse all of that you point out how selfish they are in expecting you to do it all and you bat it back to your mum and say that you will do alternate weeks (if you are happy with that) and she needs to either make her own arrangements or get 2 weeks worth of shopping.

Regarding the funeral you just say "No". Surely she knows others who are going that she could ask or she has the money for a taxi. Your employment is more important than getting to a funeral.

I get it, I really do, I had a demanding mother who didn't drive, a demanding job and a useless brother. There was a helpful village volunteer service and helpful neighbours and mum had enough money to pay people to help her regardless (and I offered to help her find someone trustworthy who could help). But no, she expected me to do it all. I did start saying no eventually but it nearly cost me my mental health and it irreparably damaged my relationship with her.

Whoops didn't realise I'd posted this twice! Can I merge the threads together? Thanks for the advice it's good to hesr from others in the same boat too. My work are usually very flexible but it just gets too much. Take me here, take me there. I need to take back my power and say no.

Alternative to online shopping or going to the store, use “Milk and More”. They have a website and have a wide variety of groceries, all delivered to you DM front door.
For getting about, your DM can either use public transport or get a taxi. If her doctors is only a ten minute walk it won’t cost very much. Encourage her to be as independent as possible. The more you run around after your DM, the more she will expect it and your time with her is spent running her around instead of being spent enjoying each other’s company doing things you would both enjoy.

You are really so good already. Put your foot down or it will continue. She will find another neighbour to take her I'm sure. This might be about having you at her beck and call for company rather than really needing you.

Probably the best strategy is to get in first and occupy the 'useless/unreliable' position. I realise that option is now taken by the 'flat out refusal' person in the dynamic OP.

I've suggested she ask someone else. Yeah definitely wants company probably expects me to go in with her too.

@Mrsbloggz Lol yes I wish I'd thought of that before! I'm trying to get her doing different things herself but she's stubborn. She finally started going to an exercise class with an acquaintance but has started to drop it now.

Now is the time to say no. Your DM is behaving exactly as my MIL did.

It was definitely the company / emotional support she was looking for. She had never done any of that stuff - hospital, funerals etc without FIL.

I think ‘Can’t get time off work’ is the easiest way, and when it comes up again just say that it’s been noticed you have had a lot of time off and you are at your limit.

Online grocery shop and taxi numbers plugged into her phone, or Uber if she has it and can use the app.

It only gets worse if you don’t say no.

This is no help to you OP but you have highlighted how important it is to KEEP DRIVING. My DM gave up driving when she met my stepfather (she was only 47!) and now she’s too anxious.

It’s a lesson for life really - being reliant on someone else to perform any basic skill makes you vulnerable and needy. Which is a horrible place to be.

My DM has never driven and had no DH/DP to drive for the past 40 years. Public transport and (very reluctant occasional) taxis.
It's by no means an impossible life, it's the change that's difficult for your DM

That's true to a certain extent, but it;s also true that people need to start thinking about how they will be able to manage when they can no longer drive due to ill health / bad eyesight, unaffordable insurance etc.

IMO we have far too many dangerous elderly drivers on the roads these days. Using bus passes, finding a reliable local taxi service, online deliveries and relocating if necessary.

If you're a nervous, anxious driver then that isn't safe for anyone, so I never criticise people who give up driving. But I agree that you shouldn't then just expect others to drive you whenever you want. You need to arrange your life appropriately.
This is essentially me, but I live in a city with good public transport. DH will drive us places but I never expect and always appreciate it.

I’m quite close to retiring but holding out because I’d lose my excuse for not being available to DM at all times.

I agree. Exactly the same as the other thread about elderly people unable to use apps and modern tech. People are setting themselves up for a potentially miserable and needy old age far too soon if they are reliant on other people to do day to day normal things.

My mum was like this for two or three years after her husband died. She’s never driven, and suddenly became very demanding. I did my best for a while until one day she rang me in work and told me that I’d have to “pop out” of work (30mins drive each way) because she ‘needed’ a newspaper.

At that point I spelled it out that I wasn’t her personal Deliveroo, but was happy to take her to medical appointments or shopping around my working hours. She got a lot better after that. Your mother is a grown woman. Tell her she’ll need to book a taxi whether she likes it or not. We all have to do things we don’t like.

There is a difference between not being able to do something and not wanting to do it.

She can't drive (she shouldn't be on the road, anyway, by the sounds of it) and not much can be done about that. But she can get a taxi and grocery deliveries.

Unfortunately, as a PP said, it’s often the company they want, not just the lift.

Sympathise with this. My sibling lives in another country so can’t help with the day to day stuff, My mother never drove because my father didn’t believe in women drivers😂 Lucky for her that I ignored that!)
I live 70 miles away from my mother she had hinted that the wants to live closer to me, but she couldn’t afford to buy in London. And she is not moving in with me!!
I have encouraged her to walk/get the bus/taxi/ use apps -basically be the grown up person she is. I really don’t like the infantilising of the ‘elderly’ / they have all the time in the world to learn technology and phones are so intuitive now that it is just laziness not to do more.
My mother wanted to visit her sister who lives a 6 hour drive from her house, 4 hours from mine.
So she got a taxi to my house and I drove her from there, but I have said that she needs to investigate public transport options as I can’t commit to this trip a third time.
Luckily she now has a gentleman friend who likes driving. but I have warned her not to get dependent on him but to work out other travel options.

she sounds very selfish. She needs to learn to get taxis. Her expectations of you aren’t at all fair

Lots of interesting comments thanks. It's good to know I'm not alone.

So after I'd messaged DM to say I can't take her die to work she then messaged back and said she was going to ask another neighbour to take her and that I "need to count to 10 and not jump to conclusions". OK but I'm always her go to for lifts so what did she expect from that text last night?

Also re the driving she got refresher lessons years ago and still didn't drive again after! DF liked big powerful cars so that put her off too.

Like you say op, time to take back your power.

Otherwise it will only get worse!

Does the milkman deliver in your area? Ours can deliver all sorts, not just milk! Is there a corner shop in walking distance for her?

I'd reduce right down, say you will take her to the supermarket once a month to bulk buy non perishables. The rest of the month she will need to do an online delivery / local shop walking or taxi / milkman delivery / etc.

Look into if there is any community transport schemes in her area. Or group outings. Or coffee mornings etc.

Maybe someone else going to the funeral can give her a lift home, if not a taxi. The gp receptionist will probably happily call her a taxi after her appointment too. Just say you can't get the time off work anymore and they are being less flexible going forwards.

This isn't a need, it's a want! And you can say no.

I’m sure you need to encourage independence, milk and more sounds good.

I’m not sure the GP funeral combo is the moment to choose though. Depends if she’s sad about the neighbour and/or will see a lot of people there she knows and maybe reconnect with other friends who she might be able to develop a social life with. She might not go if you don’t take her.

maybe she gets herself to gp and you do transport between gp and funeral, just drop off and give her taxi number but she’ll probably get a lift back with other neighbours. Treat it like kids, small steps and try to pop in when it’s convenient for you. Written as someone who did a lot for my mother but also drew the line at times and knew that I couldnt give her the life she had with my father . Not easy, good luck

I feel for you OP. I’m in a similar situation

my mother is in her 70’s but still fit to drive and does. She had to have injections in her ey e (sorry TMI) every month and couldn’t drive back so I took her. The appointments were at least 3 hours a time. One time I could not get out of work to take her so got her a taxi and met her there.

I got the ‘everyone else’s daughter was there’ routine

she’s now got to go every 6 weeks for the dye and check up in her eye only and expects me to take her still. These are ongoing checkups forever

I’ve had to tell her I can’t do it. She’s managed to find alternative arrangements. Work are flexible to a point but it then left me with no flex for my own appointments

Yet another thread where the elderly ‘expect’ things all on their terms @Onlyadaughter . @terceira I would be considered the selfish one no doubt by you. I refuse to take groceries to my DM after over 2 years of her expecting this done because she can’t drive anymore but refuses to get a taxi, refuses to allow food delivery orders - she had zero problem with it in lockdown, all organised by me. Why do I now refuse? Because 5 months consecutively she informed me she had ‘thrown the food away’. This was after me shopping for her incredibly difficult to buy food choices including a specific brand of yogurt that is hard to buy and driving an hour to her house and then an hour home. Days lost.

Yes she is no doubt lonely but she will not engage in anything to alleviate that so why is it my responsibility?

@Onlyadaughter solidarity with you but I can only say choose guilt over resentment….although I still struggle with boundaries it is the only way having made myself ill with her stubbornness and manipulation.