Non driving parent expectations

[Onlyadaughter]

DF passed away 2 years ago almost and DM doesn't drive because she's too anxious. She has a licence but my dad drove her everywhere so she's not been behind the wheel for years. I take her to get with groceries etc every week and the occasional hospital appointment. Sibling helps with errands sometimes but flat out refused to do groceries so I'm doing that every week. For a while DM wanted lifts to her various medical appointments as she'd had a turn and didn't feel safe walking but thankfully she's been better recently (plus I told her she needs to walk, it's only 10 minutes away and took me longer to drive to her house 🙄 ).

A neighbour died recently and DM is hoping to go to the funeral next week but she's informed me she has a Dr appointment an hour before so "someone" would need to give her a lift. Sibling is away so can't do it. I'm working but she will be expecting me to ask for time off to drop her at the church. I'm not sure if she would be able to walk there in time but it would take me 15 minutes to drive to hers then I'd have to hang around at the medical centre waiting before taking her to the ceremony. Obvious answer would be taxi but she doesn't like trying to organise taxis when she's not sure what time she'll be available. Not sure what to do or say I'm sitting here silently seething and wishing she could fucking drive.

Yes, we don't know how old the OP's mum is but this is more of an age thing than a not driving thing. The mum shouldn't be forced to drive if she doesn't want to but she should accept that not doing so means she cannot expect others to drive her all the time, at least not regularly without payment or some favour in return. IME as some people get older (past 80 or so) they can become quite ruthless and belligerent about their own needs even if they weren't like this before (my mum always had been demanding but my dad was the buffer until he died). I think this is due to changes in the brain (not necessarily dementia, but was in mum's case).

Also some retired people seem to forget how much of a time suck work is and assume everyone else has as much free time as they do.

@myplace retire and don't tell your mum. It was quite liberating for me when I realised I didn't need to tell my mum stuff. When I was made redundant I told neither mum nor my brother as I knew I'd be put under more pressure to do more for her.

Tell her that you just won't be able to get time off work that day and suggest she rearranges the medical appointment for a time that will suit better. Then she can perhaps get a taxi to the funeral. She maybe needs to get used to the idea that she can use taxis, sometimes even for doctors appointments if she can't walk it, and she can then be a little more independent.

For groceries can you not use online shopping with home delivery, at least sometimes? To give yourself a break. I'd do that a few times now to get her used to how it can work.

If you can get her to accept those adjustments then your visits could probably then return to being for the pleasure of both of you.

Well, obviously start saying "no".
Asking her to start driving again us probably never going to work.
But also, help her to set up an account with a local taxi company - eg, paid off every month by a direct debit. Then she can book a taxi whenever she needs one. Stress to her how it will give her back her independence and make her life so much easier.

Wow, this sounds like my mother, why are they so selfish. I have M.S and she still expects me to run around after her, I don’t, I can’t. I also have a useless brother who lives an hour away, I wish I did.

She started putting on my lovely ex sister in law even though she has been diagnosed with cancer and had the most awful chemo treatment that has completely floored her. She is such a selfish woman, she’s referred to as Hyacinth Bucket in our house, she’s very fucking annoying. She’s 80 next year and has mentioned to my ex sister in law that she’s expecting a party, she can go swivel, most of her friends have no contact anymore, I wonder why 🤔

@Snippit are you my sister 🤣 my mother is and always has been very Hyacinth as well. She has alienated everyone who frankly stuck on the scene because of my DF and merely tolerated her rudeness. Several years ago I was diagnosed with a medical condition and it got back to me that she had told anyone who would listen that it was down to my lifestyle……er really? Non smoker, healthy weight and diet regular participant in triathlons and half marathon events.

There are far too many of these people making the lives of their adult children awful with their unreasonable expectations and then guilt tripping us by saying ‘well so and so’s daughter visits so and so every day’.

My regular PSA https://outofthefog.website

I agree with a PP that probably the GP/funeral is not a good time to start a new regime. I think that’s quite a stressful combination particularly if she’s worried the GP appointment could run over.

Milk and More are good for daily essentials

God difficult. I do school bus so I cant drop everything.. sometimes we suggest taxi or if doctors somebody collects her later. Its hard op. I def got moods if I said no. Sisters in new jobs so they cant just drop everything.

Tell her you can't be her chauffeur because it makes you anxious.
If that's her reason for choosing to not drive and impose on other people, it should be fine as your reason to not be her taxi service.
Online shopping and taxis are very simple to use.

Assuming she isn't very elderly or disabled I would be having a conversation between you, her and your sister abut the way forward and becoming more independent. What would help her become more confident driving because you ferrying her around for the next 25 years can't happen.
Would a smaller car help? An automatic? One of you going out to practice with her for a few sessions? Otherwise teaching her how to order Ubers and taxis. You need to set your stall out or you are in for decades of this. It's not 'being mean', it's helping her

I find some elderly people sooo resistant to taxis! I think it's the post war mentality, they're seen as a great extravagance and just cannot contemplate that they are the ideal solution.
Does she use buses, or live anywhere near a bus route?
How about a mobility scooter? Brings places up to an hour or so walk back into range which seems to help a lot. You could help buy one and work out where to and how to store it. Might give her a whole new lease of life!

@Snippit and @BlueLegume we must be triplets! I can’t watch the programme. I find it almost triggering and not at all funny 😁

Difference being Hyacinth had a soft underbelly that occasionally peeked through, and I don’t think DM does!

Learn to say no. Your mum needs to learn to be independent. She doesn't like arranging taxi. Well she'll have to learn. Your not there to do what your dad did.

It's not sustainable because you can't take time off work whenever she wants to be taken somewhere.
She will have to get a taxi. Can't she just phone a taxi half an hour before she wants to leave or do you have to book hours in advance these days? I'm out of touch as I live abroad in a rural area where there are no taxis.
For the food shopping, why can't she shop online and have it delivered?
For things like the neighbour's funeral she needs to start asking other people who are going if they have space in their car (which she has done in this case).

Basically she needs to be more independent and learn to do things/do things she doesn't particularly like OR she needs to start driving again OR she'll have to accept that she can't do everything she wants to do. She can't expect her adult daughters to take time off work for things like this.

I’m going to go against the grain here and ask if you can make her appointments at times to suit you? My DM is in her 80s and hasn’t been able to drive for 3 years between her eyesight and her mobility. I work part time and also have mobility issues. We live very rurally with poor public transport. It would take a hour on 2 buses with a 3 mile journey to get to our GP surgery despite it being just under a mile away. So to make my own life easier I took over making all of DM’s appointments so that they’re at times to suit me. She’s at the hairdresser this afternoon so we’ll do her grocery shopping whilst we’re out. I streamline everything as much as possible ao it has minimal impact on me. My DB lives 7 hours away. To his credit when he’s here he takes over so I get a break.