Manipulative mother

[RobJ1980]

My mother has a personality disorder, sees relationships as transactional, and has always been deeply manipulative - in particular, using her health as a weapon for emotional blackmail.

We have reconciled since I've been in recovery, which has coincided with her having heart problems (which I'm trying my hardest to believe in). She lives an hour away and I'm taking time off work to take her to hospital appointments, stay with her when she's recuperating, etc.

She is now claiming many other health problems that will require me to come and stay with her, do chores that she is too weak to do herself. I don't have a problem with that, but she is so obviously lying - I know this sounds like I'm being mean & uncaring, but when you've known someone for over four decades, you know. (She's a terrible liar.) The moment I say "We really need a more permanent care solution," she says I'm "extremely mean" and that I "promised" to look after her.

It's very hard to establish boundaries: I don't want to be cruel or heartless, and I'm here for when she really needs. But she has cried wolf and pushed her friends and family to their limits throughout her life, and as a result has virtually no one left.

@RobJ1980 if you know what she is up to then you can be prepared for the inevitable. Sounds like she's trying to make you feel guilty into staying with her.

You sound like you’re looking for permission not to be sucked into this latest round of manipulation.
trust yourself - you know her better than any of us based on years of experience. People like this don’t change. You have been kind so far in getting involved in hospital appointments etc but no of course you don’t have to be her permanent carer.
Sending strength

Please seek the support of a counsellor and read the John Bradshaw book homecoming.
I've had years of this behaviour from my mother and in March this year I was considering suicide, I felt so trapped and depressed.
The guilt she had instilled into me all my life had taken over my life completely. I just couldn't say no to her. I couldn't set boundaries. When my father died 3 years ago she expected me to leave my husband in our home and move in with her. For the first time ever I said NO and boy have I known about it since. Tantrums if I didn't visit for at least 3 hours every day despite working full time.
No speaking episodes. Guilt tripping. Tears, threats of suicide. Crying fits. Phone calls at stupid o'clock about nonsense. Anything for attention and to manipulate me into getting what she wanted and to get me round there, yet she would do nothing to help herself. Alienated everyone around her with her nastiness. Refuses carers in, expects me to do everything despite me being ill myself.

Please take This advice on board. You aren't responsible for anyone's happiness, views or issues. They are. They must own them themselves. I was risking my own health to cater to a manipulative scheming person who has used every trick in the book to get her own way. It always worked with my Father you see....Your mother sounds like she's in constant victim mode. Go to her GP and ask for carers. Do not move in. Seek support. I'm glad I did, before I took my own life. It had escalated to me being her emotional punch bag.
Stay strong. You can overcome this. Please read the book.

Bloody hell, I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. It certainly puts my problem in perspective. I suppose I'm lucky in that I have a chance to establish boundaries, given that I went no-contact for so long and she genuinely does seem pleased to have some kind of relationship.

I will read the book. Thank you - and all strength to you x

You definitely don’t need permission to put in boundaries and you’re not mean or heartless for wanting to. If she says that you’re extremely mean say pick up your things and go home. It’s taken a bloody long time for it to dawn on my M Thats this is what o do when she’s being awful, I just remove myself from the firing line and dont go back for a while. It did dawn eventually though (only took about 18 years).

Definately recommend John Bradshaw's books....

Wishing you strength OP.

I've been through family manipulation. My toxic sister is still at it! We're in our 70's FFS!

Family Secrets | John Bradshaw | 9780553374988 | Awesome Books

God op its difficult. My mum had all these ailments start when my sister was going on holidays..! You can only do so much. I did today other sister wed and me wend. When I get snots or tantrums I say Ive my own house to run aswell

For a long time my M would insist on visiting A&E of either me or my DSis were away.

So much that we’d have a bag packed ready for the visit if the other one was away.

Now we just don’t tell her we’re going and she’s not been to A&E in ages.

Firstly OP I’m sorry you’re going through this, My mother is the same and got so much worse after my father died in 2019. My sister and I realised how she had been setting us against each other for years! I have taken great comfort and advice from the lovely crew on the elderly parents and dementia boards. My mother plays up terribly if one of us goes on holiday. It’s horrible I’m sending positive vibes your way. I can’t recommend the John Bradshaw books enough. I had them ON AUDIBLE and listened when I was in the car.

Your mother has a diagnosed personality disorder and manipulates you via her health. In that case, organise help for example a cleaner, taxi for appointments, a carer to help cook and perhaps a needs assessment with social services.

If she refuses all help, decide what help you're willing to give and stick to it. If she needs to go to hospital call an ambulance.

The holidays thing is awful isnt it? I had a massive row with mine last year after she had an imaginary emergency the day we left for holiday then tried to phone me on our last day to say Dad was about to die when he wasnt.

Op, there are quite a lot of us on here dealing with very similar characters. Put in boundaries, have therapy. Absolutely knock staying with her on the head for a while. Mine always sensed if I was giving an inch and tried to take several miles.

No you cant give in. Her back at her yesterday. Sister is away. I said ah you be fine doctor check it wed. There a mad panic as we all back working. Then her ailments start...... my husband said ignore it.

Horace yep they very devious arent they. Then people say oh she your mum)

And yet another thread describing these dreadful parents and the impact they have on us. Fix something though and they will simply move the goalposts, in my experience. The lies to manipulate are off the scale.

Over the years I have had:
Broken toaster-bought a new one - realised the old one worked fine.
Microwave doesn’t work - demonstrated it worked fine - ah yes but only when you are here Blue.
Oven - ditto
Fire - ditto
Washing machine- ditto
Tumble dryer-ditto

Check in with a phone call - DM ‘I haven’t got any clothes to wear everything has fallen apart’ Drive over and clothes are still in drawer with labels on.

Food - filled freezer with lovely food - DM ‘Don’t like food from the freezer, oh and I only like a very specific brand of ready meal’. Cue having to drop food every 3 days.
Suggest a food delivery- won’t accept it.
Carers - won’t let them in.
Social services - told them she is fine and managing. Tells me she ‘can’t cope’.

Reality is she wants me/us to do everything for her and then she has someone to criticise as that frankly is how she has always operated.

As on other threads the only thing to do is step right back and wait for the crisis.

It is a horrible existence but sadly some of us have just got this in our lives.

Im lucky theres 3 us but its relentless. Demands wheelchairs at train stations. My husb said she be a fookin nightmare bring her away! Too much time on their hands too. Til my next drama lol

Are you sure you haven't got my mother there BlueLegume?

@OneVividJoker I am
increasingly realising that on the one hand I’m potentially outing myself but on the other hand am clearly just part of a community none of us want to be part of. I
am currently really struggling as I have realised how I feel is how I felt as a kid around my parents ridiculous behaviour. I am anxious, fretful, grumpy. Like a teenager again. I’ve taken to going to bed super early. I did that as a child/teen - she called me boring. In truth I just wanted to escape the toxic environment.

Same now.

You could be my SIL. My MIL tried this nonsense when my FIL went into full time care for dementia. She expected my husband and his sister to move back and leave us ( me and DBil) in our homes with our dogs. She was genuinely shocked when we didn’t comply. The reality was she was lonely but she’d done everything over the years to abuse power and alienate people as they didn’t meet her standards. It was sad but it was on her - I honestly believe at some point in our lives we get to see how our own behaviour should be changed for next time around ( if there is one) and this was hers. She’s dead now. We are all relieved. Isn’t that awful ? We none of us have enjoyed this , I’ll look at that book it might give me some insight albeit it’s just hindsight now.

She was a masterclass in manipulation of others.

@lifeisgoodrightnow brilliant summary of my mother and her behaviour. Yes I will also be relieved when she is dead but that could be 15 to 20 years as she is in fine health simply incredibly difficult.

@BlueLegume the struggle is real, and seemingly never ending. I truly sympathise. I really hope that you can finally get the inner peace you deserve. Sending a huge hug your way. Xx ❤️

You are incredibly patient Bluex. I think my comments over most of these, but especially the goid would have been “ok so what are you planning on doing about it”? But then I’ve had to learn to put in boundaries for my own sanity

@BunnyRuddington thank you for kind words. The reality is this is my mother - this is not a doddery little old lady with elderly issues. She has always been the same, difficult. One of my siblings decided a couple of years ago that she was ‘ill’. Took her to the GP and got her on an SSRI medication. Literally handed out after a short conversation. She is still taking it. She has done nothing to engage with anything to help alongside it. The medication has not helped in any way other than for her to become more bizarre in her demands.

Going out on a limb my other sibling and I have approached her GP as we have long held the belief she has (forgive my wording in advance if it is not up to date) something akin to bi-polar or a personality disorder. As kids and growing up into adulthood she was either manically OTT or down in the dumps. She has never been able to ‘cope’ with even minor life challenges yet when hyper she was an expert in everything.

It is so difficult as she will not allow my sister and I to have anything to do with her GP but will allow our DB who tends to sympathise with how awful she thinks her life is. He gave social services a very skewed view of how he helps her. I say skewed but I mean lied. One big mess but I am boundaries central at the moment as I am out of emotional energy. So many decent people being crippled by these people.

The reason she probably lets your DB contact the GP is that he sympathises and it’s useful that her.

Our M has a narrative that she’s very keen to tell other people and have them believe. So her narrative is that we are evil daughters who she did everything for. She was a wonderful mother and she struggles every day.

She won’t entertain anything that goes against this narrative and will use other people to berate us. So will have someone call us out in a public event saying that we haven’t seen her in weeks in front of everyone. I usually smile and say something like “I saw her yesterday and you know how difficult she is, don’t you?” and walk away.

It’s upsetting. And I shouldn’t have to defend myself in front of others but our childhood involved physical abuse, and emotional and physical neglect and I’m so over other people’s opinions. They did nothing to help when I was a vulnerable baby and child.

So I keep an eye on her, I make sure she has some support systems in place but I’m very clear on things like you have the cleaner or nothing, I have too much on to taken on an unpaid cleaning job. I only kept an eye on her though because my DF asked me too when he was dying. I don’t wish her ill but I’m not overly kern to step in and help her with things that could be done by other people.

Ah its crap. I took her to park today short walk. Im putting boundaries in next week you could be 7 days on the road.. not nice as you say. This extra neediness kicked off when sister took holidays)

Where are these people coming from? What has happened to them to make them like this? There are so many.
Mine is the same. Life is a constant negotiation of containing her demands.