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Elderly parents

Manipulative mother

34 replies

RobJ1980 · 13/07/2025 11:35

My mother has a personality disorder, sees relationships as transactional, and has always been deeply manipulative - in particular, using her health as a weapon for emotional blackmail.

We have reconciled since I've been in recovery, which has coincided with her having heart problems (which I'm trying my hardest to believe in). She lives an hour away and I'm taking time off work to take her to hospital appointments, stay with her when she's recuperating, etc.

She is now claiming many other health problems that will require me to come and stay with her, do chores that she is too weak to do herself. I don't have a problem with that, but she is so obviously lying - I know this sounds like I'm being mean & uncaring, but when you've known someone for over four decades, you know. (She's a terrible liar.) The moment I say "We really need a more permanent care solution," she says I'm "extremely mean" and that I "promised" to look after her.

It's very hard to establish boundaries: I don't want to be cruel or heartless, and I'm here for when she really needs. But she has cried wolf and pushed her friends and family to their limits throughout her life, and as a result has virtually no one left.

OP posts:
Icecreamhelps · 24/07/2025 14:15

You have my sympathy OP. My mother also has a personality disorder she uses guilt and manipulative tactics for attention. It has really affected my mental health as I get older. I very rarely talk to her now but she still rings me every day to leave voice messages about how much she misses me.

HoraceGoesBonkers · 24/07/2025 14:40

@Icecreamhelps You can disable voicemails. If you block someone they can still leave voicemails. I stopped all voicemails quite some time ago and it was one of the things that definitely helped!

Mary46 · 24/07/2025 15:16

Nightmare. Neighbour said hers same. They too much time on their hands too. Im run from one drama to next. Sigh

Middleageddreameresawsss · 28/07/2025 22:48

My mum is terribly manipulative. She is 90
Wont talk about anything unless she brings up the subject. Basic questions like 'what have you eaten today' prompt lies and aggression towards me.
She needed her hair cut and lied about going to the hairdressers and then got aggressive with me when I said she hadnt been to the hairdressers.
Gets v angry with me, calling me names, shouting, swearing and then when I tell her I am taking her home (i take her out for lunch every Sun), changes her tact and starts telling me how much I mean to her. Never apologises
Wont pay me the money I spent on getting her a new boiler. Tells me she will pay my husband.
Sickly nice to me then gets aggressive.
Refused any carers
Told the GP she is fine
Refused help from SS
Refused the friendship links
Basically refuses everything and wont accept the whole burden falls on me.
Its exhausting and I have cancer. She told me to stop moaning as 'everyone gets cancer' when I said I was tired.
Puts the phone down on me
And this isnt all new behaviour. She has been like this most of my life.

kiwiane · 28/07/2025 23:09

You know that you’re being played somewhat; people can use hospital transport and be taken to and from hospital. If she requires care at home then she can pay for help so that you can visit to keep her company and have a role in oversight only.
the more you do then the more she will manipulate you to do.

Mary46 · 29/07/2025 11:48

Awful middleage. They all about me me. Im tired from it all. Im glad my holiday is soon as you be run ragged. Re jobs I try get money upfront for them as life is expensive enough without paying for extras..!

Bluddyellfire · 10/08/2025 20:15

BunnyRuddington · 22/07/2025 06:12

For a long time my M would insist on visiting A&E of either me or my DSis were away.

So much that we’d have a bag packed ready for the visit if the other one was away.

Now we just don’t tell her we’re going and she’s not been to A&E in ages.

My DM has started creating on Fridays. I think it's because she's kicked off with every other resident in the place all week again, and the House Manager won't be there to hold them all off her over the weekend. My brother went away for a fortnight recently and within 24 hrs she'd kicked off with me as well. It's exhausting.

FishermansFool · 11/08/2025 00:23

I'm not nit-picking but hospital transport can't always be used. I tried to get my parent transport to their post stroke check-up (3mths afterwards and 20 miles) but because the chemo courses for cancer had been completed, he was not deemed eligible. Taxis were recommended for him.

My mother has alienated everyone that could possibly give two hoots including me and my sister. She's in a care home but still causing havoc with threats of assault by staff and police, and suicide threats.

I feel oddly disinterested after decades of this.

Ladedahlia · 11/08/2025 00:48

Middleageddreameresawsss · 28/07/2025 22:48

My mum is terribly manipulative. She is 90
Wont talk about anything unless she brings up the subject. Basic questions like 'what have you eaten today' prompt lies and aggression towards me.
She needed her hair cut and lied about going to the hairdressers and then got aggressive with me when I said she hadnt been to the hairdressers.
Gets v angry with me, calling me names, shouting, swearing and then when I tell her I am taking her home (i take her out for lunch every Sun), changes her tact and starts telling me how much I mean to her. Never apologises
Wont pay me the money I spent on getting her a new boiler. Tells me she will pay my husband.
Sickly nice to me then gets aggressive.
Refused any carers
Told the GP she is fine
Refused help from SS
Refused the friendship links
Basically refuses everything and wont accept the whole burden falls on me.
Its exhausting and I have cancer. She told me to stop moaning as 'everyone gets cancer' when I said I was tired.
Puts the phone down on me
And this isnt all new behaviour. She has been like this most of my life.

Sickly nice and then aggressive. I really know about that one.

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