Is this an expected thing with aging or just my mother being my mother?

[ItsBella]

My mother has always been very emotional herself, at the same time as dismissive of other people's emotions. This seems to be more so now as she gets a bit older. Her outlook is also a bit more selfish. Is this normal for aging or just her personality? She's early 70s.

My mum is definitely way more emotional now.

I think it comes from fear.. shes a lot more fearful and anxious with age.

Normal in my experience. All but one of my beloved GPs became quite selfish the older they got. The fourth was a bit of a martyr, which didn’t change.

Being selfish has nothing to do with age. Character traits may come to the surface more as you age - perhaps because you don't choose to conceal them. I say this as someone in her 60s.

My mother has always been a martyr. I do understand she's got concerns about someone being available to care for her in her older age, but she made choices and I just feel more distant from her.

I think it's a personality thing rather than something that can be generalised.

My mum is in her 80s, isn't over emotional, is very aware of the feelings of others and is supportive of others (was really good when my dd had a personal issue, couldn't get hold of me to talk it through so phoned my mum instead).

MIL is in her 90s. I used to find her a bit prickly and critical but she has changed as she's become more frail - doesn't want to be a nuisance and appreciates anything that you do for her.

Maybe anxiety then. That would make sense. She's busy with her new friends in her local area (a good thing) but it feels like she's putting them ahead of me and I've wondered if she's punishing me for not being as available to care for her as she wants.

Today we were messaging and I asked her about a medical issue she had (pretty minor) and how it was and she just walked away from the chat. I noticed she had told me a sentence about how it was earlier (sore but fine). I'm in hospital with my son at the moment, so had been distracted by someone else at the time she sent that.

Sometimes she's fine. Other times I think she's punishing me for not giving her the reassurance of care she wants, so back to anxiety for her.

I think the effort people make declines as they age and their true self shows more. It could be because their health is suffering so harder to keep up the facade or that they just do not give a shit or a bit of both.

Are you over thinking the chat messaging?

I don't think I'm overthinking it. It's consistent with her style of walking out in sulks, which she's done a few times over her life.

I'm asking because I was thinking of taking on something she wanted me to do for her but now I'm really wondering if I should. I don't need to deal with that kind of thing, I have enough difficult things I need to deal with already. If it's an aging thing I can feel a bit more forgiving, but if she's just being difficult, I'd probably not take it on.

I would say it's her personality. I have friends the same age, and older, and they are not like that at all - nor was my mother, who died at 88. Early seventies is not particularly old these days.

All you can control is your own reaction to situations. Never waste time wondering why someone is ‘like that’. MIL ties herself up in knots still wondering why my now dead FIL was the way he was. My answer is he was a bit of a cunt, how he got there is irrelevant. Even if someone had had a tough time so it’s not strictly their fault it’s all about their behaviour towards you.

As there is a pattern to her sulking and thanks for explaining then let her get on with it. Just do not react at all.

There can be a difference between what friends see and what adult children see. Mine presents one image to friends (which now has gaps in as inconsistencies show up now her memory isn’t as good) but to AC (specifically adult daughter!) it’s very martyr complex, constant moaning and complaint and me me me me the whole time.

As all my friends seem to be running around looking after grandchildren, and doing things to help their adult children, I really don't believe they are showing a different face to their families. Selfish is the very last thing they are.

My mother is quite generous in many ways, but very emotional and emotionally unavailable. A counsellor once told me that I sounded very responsible for my mother's emotions, though I've overcome that.

I have declined to be her power of attorney. I truly don't have the capacity to do it at this time. I have a sibling who has a lot of space in their lives to do it but my mother doesn't want them to do it, because she doesn't want their partner involved in decisions. This leaves my mother with no-one but a publicly appointed Poa if it comes to that.

My mother is building networks in her own community as she believes this will help provide support when she gets older. These are all people her own age and I don't think her expectations of them are realistic or fair.

Her attitude is putting me off extending myself to maybe take on the Poa role, because if I don't feel I have space for that, I sure don't have space for any drama with it.

It's wrong she doesn't have anyone (and I wonder if she has some resentment about this which drives the attitude a bit), but she could ask my sibling. I do think on one hand she understands why I can't, but some days feels resentful all the same.

Of course I don't know what you have in your life already.

But will it be more upsetting for you if your sibling does it rather than yourself?

Mostly it can be done online (paying utility bills for example).

I'd be very nervous about letting a publicly appointed person take over.

You'd have no control whatsoever.

Selfishness was definitely a factor with my MIL. When she was younger, you couldn't have a more caring/compassionate person, always doing things for others, buying little gifts, always asking about friends/family etc.

As she moved into her eighties, she lost all that, and became self obsessed. Even when OH told her he had incurable cancer, she barely batted an eyelid, never showed any interest about his treatments, never even asked how he was feeling. It was completely opposite to how she was a few years earlier. She even stopped sending birthday and christmas cards to her relatives, including her brothers with whom she'd been close all her life. She didn't want to go to her elder brother's funeral - just not interested at all.

If you are not available it's not surprising she is prioritising friendships where presumably they are available. You can't have it both ways expecting her to prioritise you while you can't/don't prioritise her.**

I think that's pretty true. I'm in my late sixties and after a lifetime of looking after kids, husband, elderly parents, living through god knows how many difficulties and basically putting myself last, I'm pretty much done really. I'm also far more aware of my own mortality. You do start to contemplate how much time you have left and how your health will hold out when you realise you're approaching 70. I'm very far from unpleasant or rude, that's not my nature, but I no longer want to sit and listen to other people's problems for an hour let alone try to solve them. Conversely, I don't drone on and on about my own problems either. I've never done that, nor wanted to.

Does she have form for being manipulative? Mine would make some comment about feeling a bit unwell, and there would be a whole underlying dynamic where she’d want that to trigger extra phone calls, visits and running around after her? I was “trained” to respond to that.

Then I started taking her literally so when she said she’d been admitted to hospital but “no need to worry about me” she was then surprised when none of us appeared at the hospital!

Only take on what you’re comfortable doing and have the time to do.

I sometimes feel mine is competing with my children for my attention. The difference being they’re primary-aged and rightly take priority!

Yes, she does have form for being manipulative. She even said once that she knew she could be quite manipulative. I'm very good at dealing with manipulative people though. One way is by taking people very literally. Amazing how effective that is when it backfires on them. :-)

That's fair and I fully support that you get some time to yourself when you get older. I'm likely never going to get time free of responsibility for someone and my mother is the last person I go to for any kind of emotional support. I most definitely don't talk to her about problems. She's never cared for elderly parents as she lived too far away. Her siblings took care of that.

I know she's aware of her mortality and probably very aware she's not put herself into the best position as she ages. I do think she's making the best of it though.

I don't expect her to prioritise me and I don't believe I said that, though I can see where you might have got that from the first paragraph in the post you quoted. I expect nothing from her and never have. I just sometimes sense passive aggressiveness from afar. I am caring for a disabled child and one with serious medical conditions, which is what makes me less available. I'm on call 24/7 with no extended family support. I'm currently in hospital with my son, I'm staying with him, so getting on a plane to visit my mother isn't high on the priority list at this minute.

My sibling is the obvious person to do it and I would be happy if my sib would do it. Pressure off me knowing it's taken care of. My mother just doesn't want me sibling to do it. She wants me to do it.

I am caring for a disabled child and a medically complex child as well. I'm trying to take the advice to put on your own oxygen mask first. Sometimes I'm exhausted and taking on another person to care for, especially if they don't make it easy, feels like it could overwhelm me and I'll drown.

I know a publicly appointed person isn't ideal but feel it might be something I need to come to terms with accepting.

I'm sorry your MIL wasn't more supportive when you were going through difficult times. It's an interesting turn around, going from being so caring to completely cold. It does make me wonder if sometimes it is a brain change that happens in aging.

1. i believe dementia can make people suddenly completely lose interest in others. So it can be ageing, but really only those affected by dementia in such obvious cases.
2. You get the feeling she’s punishing you OP? The only way to deal with that I think is to find ways to emotionally disengage. If she deliberately walks off in the middle of a phone conversation and leaves you hanging, if done deliberately, that’s extremely rude behaviour. Do you ask her why? You could do it back to her, tit for tat, childish I know, but goose and gander. Give her the same excuse she gives you and laugh about it afterwards to yourself!.
3. If it’s part of a pattern you find difficult to deal generally with I think it’s best to distance yourself more. It’s hard I know but if she’s only early 70s you could have 2 decades of this. Keep conversations light, breezy, superficial and infrequent. See her less. And so on. An obvious example: speaking on the phone to a difficult person briefly once a week or less has much less impact than, for example, speaking to them every other day. Seeing such a person once a month or two is better than once a week, and so on.