Possibly relationships- but definitely because of Elderly parents

[BlueLegume]

Rough few years with elderly parents, very rough. I have had a few threads on here explaining. I stepped back (ish) a few months ago doing what I can for the EP (D)F who needs and accepts my input. My mother however is incredibly difficult. We currently do not live near but am about an hour away.

All that aside it has taken a massive toll on my marriage. I mistakenly thought I was trying to get things better for very nice husband. I have clearly missed every single thing as this evening he began a conversation about the future and what my plans are re my very elderly parents and what we would like to do. Don’t want to out myself so I will be vague about that but we planned to move very much further away to be near our own kids.

When I said I cannot give a definitive answer to whether I would want to do he said in terms of visiting Dad in his nursing home and an impossible situation with my mother - which I admit to being very frustrated about and probably having a whinge about far too much- he said ‘you are the most unpleasant human I know’.

I’m gutted. Really tough few years-scrap that life of people pleasing an awful mother now really sad that someone I love and admire so much hates me so much.

Oh @BlueLegume am sorry to hear this. In what context was this said? Was it heat of the moment or has it been brewing for a while? Are you getting any counselling support at the moment?

Is DH normally quite accepting of the situation or are you constantly pulled in two directions, one to your parents the other the DH?

I think taking the very brave step of disentangle yourself from your parents is a huge step and I know when I did it I found a counsellor extremely helpful to support me as I processed it all. Am back with a counsellor now as we work through the final stages of Ms life. But I am aware that on both occasions I haven't been very easy to live with.

Have you discussed this specific statement with DH to understand what he meant by it and explained how it made you feel? That seems to me an important step. Listening to understand is often hard but vital.

I doubt you have let him down entirely, but I do think you need to get a support network round you that isn't family for a bit while you work out how you feel about it all. This is clearly distressing you given your earlier posts and threads and that independent person is vital to give you some space to vent, cry and reorder your thoughts to face another day.

Thank you @Lastknownaddress Lots of really good points. Possibly heat of the moment. I am sleeping in a different room this evening. Think we have literally run out of steam with our elderly situation. Thanks for engaging will try and sleep and see what tomorrow looks like. You make some good points and I will attempt to see if I can address them. Sadly I think he is just done with the weight of responsibility I have been saddled with. I get it. Thank you though.

You need to get to the bottom of him saying that. Heat of the moment? Or longer term/bigger thing?

Have you talked to him previously about why you’re doing what you’re doing. Saying you need to get your parents sorted before you can move (has this been going on for years?) or saying you’ll do it in x timeframe but then it never happens? When did you last have a conversation with him that wasn’t about your parents?

What does he do - is he working, spending time with own parents, running around after your children without you, waiting for you to be available so you can do something together?

Hi @EmotionalBlackmail - he really has a point as by each evening I am burnt out with worry/guilt/resentment about the mess my parents have saddled me with and I get snippy with DH. Rightly so he has had enough of this. He WFH but has a high pressured job so really could do without me taking out my frustration on him.

Our kids are grown up and live away distance away but we have a good relationship. He has little input with his parents as although they are elderly they have not yet presented much neediness. He says he will not get involved when they need help and has told them that they will need to accept carers if relevant and general external help. My mother refuses any external help even to the point ASC have had to abandon any input. She simply thinks her adult children should muck in.

We have chatted this morning both acknowledging the situation is difficult. I object to the fact DH only seems to pick up on the negative things I do but never really shows any appreciation for the many pleasant things I do. It is all definitely linked to the stress of elderly (unbelievably difficult) parents.

I am not having counselling but was referred to Talking Therapies by my GP. It is a 16 week wait time but I have had a triage meeting and they have given me some links to local groups.

I don’t really know where to start looking for a private counsellor TBH.

We have both just said we do not know where we go from here. He wants to move on in life but I am hindering this with the EP situation. Thanks for listening and responding it feels cathartic.

I cant help with the elderly parent issue (although fear we will head that way ourselves shortly), but if you’re looking for a private counsellor, I recommend this website https://www.bacp.co.uk/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=BrandUK&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=14852386494&gbraid=0AAAAAoLPPY_YuEp0_J_koBAveY6aY0TjR&gclid=Cj0KCQjwss3DBhC3ARIsALdgYxM4Z12h-Npxdnj6l0haPTtuHHsSkUrqULjk_a9H3C5lQMbQuN6AYkkaAmGQEALw_wcB.

I'm the partner in your scenario and while DH's mum is nowhere near as bad as yours @BlueLegume she is selfish, lazy and manipulative. I get so frustrated with DH when he won't put boundaries in place and he does not recognise the manipulation (hes ok on the other two!) Add in a useless BIL and there are times when I've thought I don't want this in my life. It's usually fleeting and I don't want to make life worse for DH. If I critise MIL too much he does shut down on me and I have to remember she is his mother and that is a relationship I'm not in.

I think the only thing to do is talk to your DH and try to put your relationship with him above that with your parents. That doesn't mean he can say cruel things to you though. You are doing your best in a horrible situation. Sending

OP, you know that your mother is unreasonable and this cannot go on. There is a thread around about a woman whose partner keeps promising to move house to a better area and her partner finally said he couldn't leave due his very elderly mother. The MN collective called him a Mummy's Boy etc etc. They all told the poster to leave him.
Your mother is completely unreasonable. She is making you impossible to live with. You have to leave her to cope completely on her own for a couple of weeks so that she (and you) recognise that she needs external carers. You know that you are not doing her ant favours or yourself in the long run.
My husband and I are through the horrible stage of coping with elderly parents. The difference was that I completely shared his burden so that he felt supported and he in turn was wonderful to my widowed mother. We both felt much closer to each other because of it.
We played the 'just for a few weeks' in the Care Home until they forgot why they were there, with his parents.

My only regret was that we did not move them to a local to us Care Home . We live in London so much more expensive. We found short, frequent visits to them the most helpful to everyone. A shared burden etc. Our kids were also good about occasional visits and facetime ( we needed to be with them for this).
Good Luck and remember you potentially have many more years with your husband than your mother.

the weight of responsibility I have been saddled with
the mess my parents have saddled me with

This is what you need therapy to help you with. I recognise your words in those of my own SIL, who is struggling with what she sees as her obligations to FIL and her marriage is feeling the strain because her DH is fed up constantly getting this grumpy, put-upon, exhausted version of her. and FIL is nothing like as unpleasant as your mum, he's mostly thoughtless and unwilling to help himself, expecting her to do it all.

Think about how you are framing this: like you are a horse or some other compliant beast of burden, and your parents are - against your will - fixing a saddle of responsibility on your back. Why not step to the side? Shrug it off? Move (literally and physically) far enough away that they cannot fix it on you?

At its core, it's something that other people are doing to you, and you seem unable to prevent them, you are choosing to stand still and let it be done to you: why? Therapy should help you answer that, and find tools to stop accepting this.

And I'm sorry to say this, but when my SIL gets all self-pitying and woeful about the situation - but won't do anything to change it - it's really hard not to get very impatient and snappy with her. I imagine that's where your DH is, but even more so as he's having to live with it.

My mother refuses any external help even to the point ASC have had to abandon any input. She simply thinks her adult children should muck in. Well tough shit, frankly What she thinks doesn't (shouldn't) make your decisions for you. Her thoughts are not rules by which you have to live.

@rickyrickygrimes excellent post.It is like I have all of that information BUT from time to time I cannot put the jigsaw together to make it make sense.

Thanks all - as ever kind and thoughtful posts.

Back to the important things to see if I can make amends.

I think that that best way to make amends is by taking firm action, as others have suggested.

1. If your mother won’t accept help, walk away for a set period of time to hopefully show her that she cannot cope without help and you are not going to provide the support.
2. Book sessions with a counsellor/psychotherapist

@Littlefish excellent suggestions

It’s not any easy situation. I was lucky to get some free and very good counselling from the carers association local to my mother . There should be one in most areas.

I don’t know why so many women feel this responsibility to be the sole support for their parents. Most men don’t feel this way. I have a manipulative unpleasant mother too. Happy for me to wear myself out doing her admin etc but behaves like an utter bitch. I am moving away next year. She’s never inconvenienced herself for me once in my adult life and rarely in my childhood. Why should I prioritise her now? Ask yourself the same question. Put yourself first.

This. You need to spend time on you and DH. The BACP link above is great and you can search by postcode. I recommend face to face counselling if you can. Get yourself away from the situation and do a brain dump once a week/fortnight/month/as needed. You owe it to yourself and DH, and your lovely children. They need you. Whole, well and knowing that you are loved. Start thinking of your future.

Hope you're ok @BlueLegume and have talked over things with your husband.

Would doing more solid things around moving help, like looking at houses etc? It sounds as if you really need to go but also it will be a bit like ripping off a plaster.

I may have misunderstood the context, is he saying you are unpleasant because of your attitude to your parents, or because you are miserable and hard to be around because of your parents?

Can you schedule yourself a holiday/sick leave, as in ‘Mum I’m not available for two weeks. I’ll be out of contact, my phone won’t work. I’ve been told I must have absolute rest.’

We’ll Happily tell you that you must have absolute rest or you will get ill!

I’m so sorry. I have had to put some boundaries in with EM. She’s a pain in the arse and like a PP, has never inconvenienced herself in her life. I hope you and he can find a way through together. 💐

I may be misremembering but didn’t you start a thread where you had enforced boundaries and were stepping away from your horrible manipulative mother specifically because of your marriage? Have you been lured back in? You were determined not to be!

Unfortunately elderly DPs who refuse to accept the reality of their situation, push us to our limits. My DPs are not bad people but have no thought to the impact on me of their refusal to get in necessary help. I have said things about them over the past few months that I am not proud of, but equally I wouldn’t take back because they are true. It’s a battle for survival and I am not going to sacrifice my independence for theirs.

It must be hard for your DH sitting on the sidelines hearing all your bitterness. It’s so easy to think about the right thing to do when you are not in the crossfire.

I would message him if it’s difficult to talk. Tell him you love him and your marriage is the most important thing in the world to you and what do you need to do to move forward. In truth it can’t just be you that’s caused the issues, but listening and understanding right now will move things forward more than justifying.

@TartanBarmy you remember correctly re previous thread. Got lured back in yes. We are trying this week to be kind to each other. Our only conflict comes from the situation with my parents - particularly my mother.

I’m really sorry to hear that - so use the thread (I can’t find it!) to help you stay firm. Your mother is clearly an expert at drawing you back in but your husband and family have GOT to be a priority. Access the support on here. Say what she’s doing and listen to the chorus of people telling you to stick to your guns. You’re not an only child! She’s a cow! You love your husband! She is going to ruin your marriage! You will be single and exhausted and she will die happily knowing she really fucked your life.

@TartanBarmy thanks - this is the thread and I intend to get back some control and get my mother out of my head this week. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents/5330251-i-have-left-the-rollercoaster-help-me-never-get-back-on?page=2&reply=144246255

I haven't seen your previous posts but from this thread alone you said "we planned to move very much further away to be near our own kids" so you are missing out on your own children's lives because you cannot stay strong on enforcing your boundaries.

What if, your Dh leaves you this month, moves closer to your children and continues to WFH near them and you end up moving closer to your parents to deal with them and spend the next 10 - 15 years doing that? All the while missing out on spending time with your children and whatever they are doing and destroying your marriage in the process.

Your priority should always be your Dh and your children. You are choosing to be "saddled" with responsibility. You can walk away. No one is holding a gun to your head. My own Mother told us we were never to become her carer because it would have such an impact on our marriages, our children and she never wanted that for us. She gave us permission to do that, you need to give yourself permission to turn into your marriage and remember who you made your vows to. The phrase "forsaking all others" isn't just romantic partners, it has a wider meaning, to prioritise your spouse and your relationship with them.

I agree with most of this, but we do have a responsibility to our elderly parents. They brought us up and made sacrifices for us. It’s the circle of life that we should try and help them as much as we can , but without this being massively detrimental to our own health and well being and marriages. The exception to this is if our parent has always been unkind or abusive and done nothing for us. I want to move hundreds of miles away to be closer to my adult children and my grandchildren, leaving my mother unsupported. I have got the stage though where I can’t bear to be in the same room as her or hear her voice. She’s spiteful and unpleasant. Will put on the nice act for a few months and then it all falls apart again. It’s destroying me. Don’t let your mother ruin your life and put yourself first.

@JessicaTookMyLunch spot on. Sometimes I just have a wobble and seeing how a few little things would help everyone - my mother included - I get frustrated . A food delivery here and there to save us having to drop her food off - she is refusing to leave the house and says she has no access to her bank account- she does. A cleaner - her house is in need of cleaning - I was doing it but it didn’t meet her standards so I stopped. A carer to help her do washing etc. She won’t allow anyone in except us. I am embracing that I have had a wobble, have taken it out on the very person who supports all this madness and need to reframe things and stand firm on what matters to me. I definitely panic inside thinking about how I could end up alone and sucked back to being her carer. I have a lovely family and I can see they are frustrated at me trying to solve an impossible problem.

Thank you everyone I sometimes need the voice of reason from strangers

@LadyJaneGrey18 total sympathy. I hope you find a solution.