Decluttering? Good idea or not?

[LemonLimeWater]

My lovely MIL has dementia. We live abroad and are back for a few weeks.
PILs 4 bed house is very crowded. They like stuff. There are 18 coats in the wardrobe of the room we are staying in, so no space for any of our clothing. Until a few years ago, their loft was full, as they never threw anything away. They have been in the same house for 51 years.

The kitchen cupboards are absolutely full. They have 2 full place settings for 18, (bowls, small and large plates) stacks and stacks of bowls (from tiny to cereal to last sizes). There is an ice cream maker last used about 8 years ago. It doesn’t need to be within easy access, None of this is organised, you just open the cupboards, stuff it in and hope it doesn’t fall out.

i want to help declutter. I was thinking that if it was obvious where everything goes, it would be much easier for mil to find and put away things. Dh says it’s always been like this and it would be upsetting for her. I haven’t spoken to Fil yet, but am looking for opinions, should I leave it alone, or offer to help?

I wouldn’t actually get rid of anything, I would out it in boxes in the garage so if they wanted something, it would be there.

thanks for reading

Leave it. It's not your house, or your problem.

I wouldn’t do it if it was upsetting for either of them, but I feel your pain.

Even if you do it, putting it in boxes in the garage is ultimately doubling the task. will your FIL not agree to some sensitive getting rid of stuff?

I can see why it feels like something useful you can do while you are there, and you'd think it might make life easier when you go back. But in fact, if she has dementia, changing things could just add to her confusion.

So even though it will drive you crazy, and you won't be able to understand how they can live like that, the kindest thing is probably to just sit on your hands and let it be..

My mum is like this and I agree with your DH. It might seem irrational to you (and it is!) but it probably would be disorientating for her if you did it.

What you could do is get rid of things that are clearly rubbish/out of date pantry items etc

Don’t do it, they will be offended.

Leave it. It’s only helping if they ask for help, otherwise it’s meddling.

The most useful thing you can do is sort the fridge, freezer and kitchen for mouldy and out of date goods.

If that doesn't cause WW3 then you can try chucking clothes with holes in. But the kitchen will probably take more time than you think.

Leave it

It might well be too late at this stage as she already has dementia. The cluttered surroundings are familiar to her, and to change that could be very distressing and cause a sudden decline.

That said, if FIL is willing, and I suspect that will be unlikely, he could make a start on getting rid of the stuff that they no longer need and that he knows his wife won't look for.

In the long run, it's probably less of an issue now than it will be when they die/have to move and the house sold.

Having helped my "I was a war-time baby (so I never get rid of anything but keep acquiring stuff)' mother downsize last year, I am busy decluttering my own home.

Swedish death cleaning - good for all ages!

How bad is MIL dementia, and what is her general health like?

I think I would leave the kitchen as presumably MIL is in that space every day.

But I would start the conversation with FIL/husband about decluttering clothes and any furniture / stuff which is a fire hazard. and then extending it to his preferences generally with regard to decluttering.
(Is there a working fire alarm in the house?)

If his preference was not to remove anything before his death, and then you can throw it is a skip if you like, would that be acceptable to you?

Thank you, I guess the overwhelming opinion is that I leave it. I wouldn’t actually do anything before I speak to Fil and would absolutely respect his opinion. I just feel that as we as so far away, when we are here, I would like to be useful.
Great idea about going through the pantry, there probably have custard packets from 1982!

I’m afraid I couldn’t not just do something. My MIL kept so much paperwork going back years, paper cuttings, lists, accounting records in books one for every year, bills, receipts etc., All financial paperwork neatly filed away. When I would visit I would say I’m trying to find something and go through her piles of paperwork, my FIL wouldn’t touch them, but wanted them sorted, then I would put some to the side and when she wasn’t looking, I would put in bags and take home to dispose. She couldn’t remember or know what any of these were. I would also sort the cupboards out, little and often. I cleared her spice rack, she hardly ever cooked from scratch, these were all over 15 years out of date. I left her clothes alone, but those I found with buttons missing, holes etc, I would say you aren’t ever going to wear this again and put it in a bag, quickly moving onto something else to distract her, when she died, there were 6 big bags of new clothes which still had labels on.

There's nothing stopping you asking FIL. Who knows, he might actually appreciate it. But don't use the word declutter. Clutter is a judgemental word. Just say that you like to be busy and now that MIL is unable to do things, could you help to start sorting and tidying away the things she doesn't need.

But yes, don't move things around in spaces where she needs to orient herself and find things daily.

Just open a conversation with FIL about whether he may like your help with this, or not. I wouldn't second guess and just assume it won't go down well. It's a kind offer and a conversation is a good starting point to ascertain their feelings.

DON'T- Mum in law had dementia and became extremely agitated if anything was moved, so much so it was distressing. Keep on top of health / hygiene / safety, the rest should stay. Familiarity is comforting in dementia.

I’ll admit that once my mum died, I used to do a bit of decluttering every weekend when I visited my dad.

They weren’t hoarders, but I started getting rid of things that would never be used again - the drawer full of tablecloths, the cupboard full of old towels, numerous old bedding sets…little by little, I chipped away at it.

The only advice I'd give is never get into this mess yourself. It's unfair on the people left who have to deal with it. I can almost guarantee that your PIL wont clear this and will except somebody else to do it eventually.

@LemonLimeWater
I would speak to your FIL about it but personally I couldn't not do anything.
If you have a few weeks I'd observe very closely how they are living in the house and then suggest to FIL how you might be able to improve things by getting rid of some things. Does your MiL ever go in the cupboard with 18 coats for example.
Im struggling with my own mum and step dad at the moment. They dont have dementia but need to make some changes if they want to stay in their own home.
I had a major victory last week when I managed to reduce the number of (un) helpful occasional tables by half. This means she should now be able to use the walking frame which is stuck in a corner.
Its hard, my step dad in particular is reluctant to have changes but he is going to have to accept some.

I agree. My parents did not hoard, but even so, clearing their large house, garage and sheds was a massive job. I dread to think what it would’ve been like if the lofts had been full etc.

My husband is a low level hoarder, so I regularly throw stuff out when he’s away on business. Been doing it for years and he has yet to notice.

I did declutter FIL's office when he had dementia but the amount of paper in there was upsetting him - and MIL wanted him prevented from doing random stuff like buying new cars. Dh went through his computer, unsubscribed him from everything and put parental controls on.

It was actually really sad as you could pinpoint the year he turned from man who kept a lot of notes to man who was just writing down random stuff and forgetting it.

In two circumstances only :-

A. They actively want you to

AND

B. You have nothing else (more enjoyable!!!!!🙂) to do to pass the time. IF it’s a way of spending a bit of quality time with them fair enough, but if it’s a chore for you and you are on holiday, don’t.

(Old people - indeed people of all ages - can be funny about people meddling with their things.)

Apart from fridge/freezer - that sounds a good idea.

I help my nan declutter when i see her, she actively wants to declutter though but struggles due to her health. I wouldnt touch it if she didnt ask me though.

My mum's been doing this. It's very positive - she's making her own decisions about disposal of her things from her parents life, and before.

I agree with @AnnaMagnani that cleaning and sorting the fridge and freezer is your best bet. That’s not interfering nor throwing out things your MIL might be upset about, and it keeps them healthy.

When I went over to stay while my parent was ill, getting the kitchen clean and sorted plus filling the freezer with (labelled) food was the best help I could give.

Oh, and doing the awkward cleaning tasks like washing the kitchen curtains, trimming the hedges, washing the patio and so on, so it felt nice and bright for them.