Elderly Mother Accusation of Abuse

[Izz81]

Hi,

just some advice really and talk me down.

my DM is in hospital and something has raised safe guarding concerns. A senior social worker is going to interview both of us next week and I have no idea what this is all about.

for context I look after my mother at home, I do all her meals, washing, cleaning etc I get whatever she needs. Shes been in hospital after i called the ambulance when i noticed her speech seemed slightly slurred i took her bp and it was mega high so i called an ambulance and shes been in hospital since but i havent been able to go up last few days and thats when this has come about. Shes now been moved to a different ward but doctor will not release due to safe guarding concerns. I assumed it was OH assessments, which I have spoken to earlier in week but no this is a lot more serious.

Yes she is demanding and even abusive (had it all my life) ive got used to the words, she has been violent recently just a slap at me i put it down to frustration but shes never really been like that, usually just verbal attacks. She is late 70s and frail on her feet, she no longer goes out or wants to even go out, but I get that she has a lot of conditions, she can sometimes just sleep she also has undiagnosed mental health conditions and the GP has given sedative and anti-depressant, but she gets frustrated which is understandable and she is only on light dose due to heart issues. Her care needs are huge, I just about cope but she hated nurses coming so that ended.

I have no idea what has happened to trigger this and im going out of my mind that im going to be thrown in jail for something I didnt do. The most likely reason is she has said something or a lot of things, thats the only thing I can think of.

Ive been going over and over what it is may she could have said Ive mistreated her, but i have no idea why she would say that, she only says hurtful things if she doesnt get what she wants immediately but shes in hospital. She is not mistreated in any way she has all her meals, she is washed and dressed whatever she wants she gets even if it means dropping everything just to make sure i dont get had a go at. I always give her meds at 9pm, she often asks at 5pm and I say no not time yet its only 5pm could it be that she does get angry at that. I dont know what to think or do im in a mess.

any advice what Im facing here and whats going to happen?

Don’t worry it sounds like an assessment to establish if she needs to be in a home due to her care needs worsening. It’s very likely not about what you did or didn’t do

The safeguarding concerns might be about protecting you from her
Eta She may have been violent or abusive towards staff in hospital which has triggered this.

Try not to overthink it. You can presumably answer any accusations put to you and it sounds like you’ve been present when she’s had consultations with her GP and nurses?

putting it nicely, your dm sounds difficult. To protect yourself I would encourage you to take any and all help offered even if she doesn’t want outside involvement. If she’s going to make statements like this you need to protect yourself and have the involvement of as many people as possible.

Capable adults do not fall under safeguarding.

OP try not to worry. I know that’s hard.

and moving forward I’d say you can no longer care for her - you have no legal obligation to do so, but the local authority do. Let them sort it.

ETA - I work in this area - hospitals get incredibly twitchy and have a tendency to iver-react when it comes to safeguarding - the social worker will speak with you but unless there’s some actual evidence it eong go any further.

Protect yourself and your health and well-being and stop looking after your mother.

I think they have to investigate these things. My great aunt said someone was sexually assaulting her at home. They kept her in to investigate but her story changed multiple times and said someone who was dead was hurting her.

They let it go but I have always wondered if she was perhaps abused / assaulted when younger and with the confusion of being in hodpital all this unresolved trauma came tumbling out.

Thank you for replying….But if thats the case why has it been referred to social services and why wont anyone speak to me? All ive had is i cant talk to you on the matter. If its care home then why cant they just talk to me, i dont want to just put her in a home i need to know whats going to happen, what home, whats in that home. Also, why would a senior social worker be involved? It just doesnt add up to me.

Thank you, i do know but i made a promise to my father who has passed away. No matter what my mother is like i wouldn't just abandon her to the state.

Possibly, how she has always been with others is different to how she is with me but the slap a few months back was out of character…could be i guess. Thank you.

Ok i will try, thank you for your response

My mother has vaguely mentioned in the past she was SA by an uncle when she was around 8, nothing was ever done and the uncle vanished not long after she never saw him again. She also had a very rough childhood, they were very poor and it was hard.

I think they can put a flag of 'adult safeguarding' on certain patients. For various concerns. They did for me.
It doesn't mean they think the person is being abused.

It just means they could be vulnerable in their own environment so they may need an assessment to establish if they can safely go back home immediately from hospital.
Or if they need a rehab, home adjustments or to live in a care/nursing home.

I think it’s quite common for these childhood traumas to come back to haunt us. They get locked away but when you start to lose capability they return. I know with my aunt it seemed quite plausible initially but the longer she was there, the more unlikely as started blaming staff for things that were not true as were on cctv and it never happened.

By the time a meeting rolled around it had changed in focus ( less concerned about potential abuse) and became more about next steps, she went to a home under a dol in the end where she also accused male staff of heinous deeds.

Really, I think that was very unfair of your father to ask you to do that. No loving parent expects their child to give up their quality of life to look after someone else. What your father was saying is that your mother is more important than you. If he was near death at the time he asked you, it could be classed as coercion. You can rethink this. If your mother has been badly behaved towards you, I would let her get on with it. As pointed out you need to protect yourself.

Capable adults do fall under safeguarding if they are at risk of abuse. A safeguarding alert was raised for my very capable Mum due to my Dadsho has dementia. It was fine, they simply came out and did a carers assessment …that was the outcome of the referral.

It doesn’t sound like that in this case, best guess is she has made some kind of allegation….youd be surprised how often this happens and it’s without merit, They do have to look into it though.

Tell them everything about how she has been throughout your life etc and any recent changes.

I’m afraid you are wrong - the Care Act is very clear where the bar is for statutory duty to safeguard us, and it’s not adults that are able to protect themselves.

the situation you describe is not ‘safeguarding’ - the local authority identified your mother as being entities to a carers assessment (possibly joint with a care and support assessment for your father)

I work in MHSOP social services - I know what the Care act says.

Thank you everyone for your replies, they are hugely appreciated! I guess im getting worked up and overthinking but at the same time I just fall in to the feeling like a failure again IF my mum has made accusations which is most likely scenario although i didnt consider the moving her in to a care home possibility. I will wait and see, the reality is if nothing happens and she comes home, I will still be running around and doing everything I can. I know there is probably some kind of issue there with the fact that no matter what I will still be there for her, Ive been told this by several unrelated friends but if she has said something it will still hurt more than anything and also if people then see me as some kind of abuser that will be probably just as bad. But thank you all for your words and insight I really appreciate it!

You're not abandoning her to the state, you're allowing her to receive the care she needs, which is better for both of you.

When my nan's health declined, my mum wanted to do everything for her. They bought her a flat around the corner, and my mum spent more time there than at her own house.

But my Nan ended up needing intimate care, and would occasionally either refuse or become furious with my mum when she tried to help. She'd make ridiculous demands (wanting to go to the shop in the middle of the night, or be driven to see her sister who she thought lived around the corner, who infact lived 4 hours away) and would go mad when she didn't get her way.

She was stubborn all her life, but with the mental decline everything became extremely black & white and she couldn't process the fact that she was the mother and the daughter wouldn't do as she was told.

My mum ended up getting nurses, careers and cleaners in and it changed everything. Nan was absolutely lovely with them, wouldn't say boo to a goose. And it meant that my mum could just focus on spending quality time with her.

Presumably your promise to your dad was to do what's best for your mum...sometimes what's best is taking a step back.

OP - even if she is discharged home it has to be
1)a safe discharge - if you say you can no longer provide care the hospital and local authority must work together to figure out what that safe discharge looks like. It’s is a statutory requirement
2) The only think you need to do is ensure the local authority and health uphold that statutory requirement - in no way are you obligated to provide care. Put your foot down, stick to your guns ‘I can no longer provide care’ - on repeat.

This may be the 'crisis' you need to free you from some of the heavy responsibility you have .
Make a list of everything you do for your mother in a 24 hour period , that alone will probably open your eyes somewhat ,then think about the impact this is having on your own life and what little time for yourself you may have.
Use this hospital stay to reevaluate not only your mothers needs but your own .
You will need to stand your ground as ss and hospital want the person out asap and at the slightest sniff of family doing the home care the box is ticked then on to the next needy case.
Do not be pressured into having her home if you believe you cannot /do no not want to meet her care needs for now / in the future.
Also take someone with you to any meetings to back you up ,preferably someone who knows the true situation you are in .

But if they are concerned that the OP is getting assualted by her DM that makes her a vulnerable person.

OP I know you feel you have to because you promised your Dad but arramging professional care, advocating for her etc they are all still looking after her even if you arent always the one caring for her.

No, it doesnt - not within the context of the Care Act 2014.

I took the best care I could of my DM after DF died. She had mobility issues and severe anxiety and my life was pretty much on hold for 9 years. I kept her house spotless, did everything for her. I was so upset when the paramedics said that they were making a safeguarding report to the surgery. But it was because her bathroom was no longer suitable for her needs. She had collapsed in there and the room was so small they had to pull her out rather than lift her.

I too promised DF that I would take of her. Although I think she was probably easier emotionally than your DM I was nearly broken after caring for her. When she went into hospital and the dementia that I had been in denial about was obvious I was told that the best place for her would be a residential care. I felt like I was betraying my DF's trust but I know rationally he would want the best for his whole family and that did not include be having a nervous breakdown. I know now that I did make the best decision for her and I am so pleased that she was clean (she wouldn't let me wash her), well fed and warm and for the last couple of years I could be her daughter and not her carer.

This board is brilliant. There's so much pressure on women to martyr themselves. Often to people who were inadequate parents. This board makes you realise your wellbeing matters too.

Sorry that was meant to go on a different post.

Although it's relevant to this thread too