Elderly Mother Accusation of Abuse

[Izz81]

Hi,

just some advice really and talk me down.

my DM is in hospital and something has raised safe guarding concerns. A senior social worker is going to interview both of us next week and I have no idea what this is all about.

for context I look after my mother at home, I do all her meals, washing, cleaning etc I get whatever she needs. Shes been in hospital after i called the ambulance when i noticed her speech seemed slightly slurred i took her bp and it was mega high so i called an ambulance and shes been in hospital since but i havent been able to go up last few days and thats when this has come about. Shes now been moved to a different ward but doctor will not release due to safe guarding concerns. I assumed it was OH assessments, which I have spoken to earlier in week but no this is a lot more serious.

Yes she is demanding and even abusive (had it all my life) ive got used to the words, she has been violent recently just a slap at me i put it down to frustration but shes never really been like that, usually just verbal attacks. She is late 70s and frail on her feet, she no longer goes out or wants to even go out, but I get that she has a lot of conditions, she can sometimes just sleep she also has undiagnosed mental health conditions and the GP has given sedative and anti-depressant, but she gets frustrated which is understandable and she is only on light dose due to heart issues. Her care needs are huge, I just about cope but she hated nurses coming so that ended.

I have no idea what has happened to trigger this and im going out of my mind that im going to be thrown in jail for something I didnt do. The most likely reason is she has said something or a lot of things, thats the only thing I can think of.

Ive been going over and over what it is may she could have said Ive mistreated her, but i have no idea why she would say that, she only says hurtful things if she doesnt get what she wants immediately but shes in hospital. She is not mistreated in any way she has all her meals, she is washed and dressed whatever she wants she gets even if it means dropping everything just to make sure i dont get had a go at. I always give her meds at 9pm, she often asks at 5pm and I say no not time yet its only 5pm could it be that she does get angry at that. I dont know what to think or do im in a mess.

any advice what Im facing here and whats going to happen?

It would be a no from me OP. You’ve don’t more than your share by the sounds of it and now hear you worried that you may end up in jail because of something she could have said.

She sounds controlling and manipulative and kicks off when plans don’t go her way. I echo what a pp said about it usually being the ones that were inadequate parents themselves. I’ve heard it too many times, the ones who were the shittest/most selfish parents, seem to be the ones that expect the most care from their children, but that’s because they’re selfish and don’t give two hoots about their children and their lives.

The old excuse “I don’t want strangers in my house”, well tough. Most women these days work, have their own children to look after and it’s not viable to take on full caring responsibilities and they shouldn’t en made to feel guilty.

I know someone in this exact situation, their mother expects them to go round every day to walk her dog, get her food, ferry her to where she wants to go and she flat out refuses any social help from the council. My friend has two of her own children (one with SEN) and works full time. She hates going and I say the more you do the more she expects but the emotional manipulation and bullying her mum will use against her, my friend just puts up with it. Vile behaviour and the way I see it, if someone is willing to throw you under a bus for their own gain then you shouldn’t feel any guilt for walking away.

Thank you once again to everyone for all your responses which have been a great help. I guess i wont know for sure until tomorrow, if it is about a nursing home then I will absolutely go for it after thinking this weekend about it. I dont think it will be, I mean a senior social worker is involved, which to me sounds serious and the fact that hospital would not release info why and when i phoned a social services out of hours number she wasnt able to say what its about, so to me it sounds serious but then I have never been in this situation in the 13 years I've been looking after my mother. I will update tomorrow but thank you so much for your replies and great advice it really has helped

I hope today goes OK and that you are reassured @Izz81 .

Safeguarding concerns can arise at any time and although I'd always say they're important, they are often sorted out and resolved very quickly. I hope that's the case for you and your mum.

Thank you! I didnt actually get to discuss the matter. By the afternoon I had no call so phoned again and they gave me the number of the senior social worker. I finally spoke to her and she just said she needs to speak to my mother first, there was no timeframe placed on it and that was all that was said. I assume it will still be this week at some point though, even though I was told monday - or can these things be delayed considerably?

Yes, they can end up getting delayed. As a safeguarding matter your mum is currently safeguarded - social services are under funded and understaffed so cases are triaged and currently this will be down the list from other safeguarding issues where the person isn’t safely sequestered away on a ward.

The safeguarding might be they’ve seen what she’s like and they are worried for your safety

That was the case for my mum. Poor dad had so much mental and physical abuse, came at him with knives and all sorts

No. This is not how safeguarding works. Adults with mental capacity and without care and support needs will not fall under ‘safeguarding’ under the care act 2014 no matter how much they are being abused.

It depends what capable means to Wilma as her mum might have met the statutory threshold.

Could be something or nothing, try not to worry as you’ve nothing to hide.

Mum more than likely meets the statutory threshold and this is why mim is currently on a ward and the location isn’t being released until social services have made some enquiries. Posters have been speculating it may be safeguarding for op - it will not be.

OP, I think whatever happens you need to rethink your caring role going forward and start making decisions that put yourself first and remove you from what sounds like a hellish situation. She will not be "abandoned to the state", she will be cared for in a more appropriate environment that doesn't break you.

I say this as a carer myself

It is a bit concerning that they are not sharing the details of her mum, even if there are safeguarding concerns there should be a visiting plan in place. If it is serious to stop visiting surely the police would be involved and it wouldn't be a social worker completing the enquiry. Unless mum has said she doesn't want her location sharing.

Not strictly true if op is an informal carer the Care Act as places as much weight on carers wellbeing and needs

Under the Care Act 2014 Carers are not subject to safeguarding - whilst a local authority do have a role in supporting caters, it is in no way the same safeguarding role that section 42 outlines and mandates.

Hence why I said not strictly true but regards for their wellbeing under section 1 which includes protection from abuse or neglect.

She’s in hospital - so will be seen as very low risk at the moment. Which means won’t be on the top
of the social services pile.

Most likely is she’s said something, which with no context could sound like abuse. Eg. My daughter refuses to give me my medication.

Which could be awful, or could be responsible. Most staff are trained to refer, not investigate. Which results in these daft situations. And a lot of stress.

If her care needs are a lot, safeguarding may be involved to see if you're actually able to cope with safely meeting her needs. It may ne seeing of she needs a care package- carers coming in or care home.

As others said, it may be something historic shes disclosed whilst in hospital.

The only other thing I can think of is if she had significant pressure sores on arrival to hospital. Or her recent symptoms had some earlier warning signs which you perhaps may have missed.

Caring for an adult is extremely hard work and draining, physically and emotionally. You will get burnout and it can become unsafe for you both of you dont except help. Be honest if you are struggling

Thank you everyone! I know what ward she is on nothing has been said about visitation restrictions but since finding out about this safeguarding issue, I have not been up as I honestly didnt want to feel like crap from being turned away if that was the case, plus my mother never wants me to visit when she is in hospital but thats neither here nor there as I usually still go up to make sure she is ok, but now im just phoning daily to get updates - I guess also if i go up and see her and she starts having a go at me usually I can take it, but I honestly think i will break down in tears because of all this so for my own mental health I am staying away until this is resolved.

It's so hard OP. Please look after yourself 💐

Be kind to yourself. You’ve gone above and beyond for a long time