Elderly mother never remembers what I’ve told her

[Littlepixie75]

I have noticed a few behavioural changes in my 76 year old mum over the last year or two. Wondering how normal is it for someone of that age to not remember fairly significant things that I know I have told her…. She brushes it off and says “oh you never told me that darling etc” but I know I definitely have. Also she will tell me little anecdotes and facts that she has told me several times before but doesn’t remember telling me. I just patiently say “oh yes, I think you mentioned that before Mum” but is starting to be a bit of a worry. Another thing is getting in a real tizzy about relatively minor things like ringing up British Gas for example. Also being more distracted and unable to do more than one thing at once. More unsteady on feet and has fallen twice in last year. Does this sound like the early warning signs of dementia? I just feel like something is off. Thanks for reading and hope this question won’t upset anyone.

Alzheimers?
A trip to her GP might be a good thing to do.

They aren't early warning signs they are flashing beacons.

The earlier you can get a memory assessment and medication if available the better.

If you are noticing then she is already struggling with being able to mask what is going on. Does she live with anyone else?

Yes, she is ageing at 76 and yes, she is showing signs of cognitive decline. I would be firmly encouraging her to make an appointment with her GP.

Although - what can be done about a dementia diagnosis, are there medications? This is a question I don't know the answer to.

Does she have a power of attorney set up? If not, you need to sort this ASAP and start thinking about who will look after her. Is she on her own?

Yes I have been thinking about a GP appointment. Will try to sort that out. Thank you.

Oh blimey, okay thanks. I guess I am perhaps minimising it without meaning to as it’s all happened gradually. But today there was something that I had told her quite recently, and she had been very interested in (!), that she claimed I’d never told her. She lives alone, widowed years ago, but I live very nearby.

We got POA sorted last year as luckliy several of her friends got one done as a precaution and she thought it was a good idea. So that’s a relief.

This is essential. It can be done online but if it's dementia and it progresses too far, it won't be accepted. If you are named in the POA for health and financial matters, you can make decisions in her best interests in hospital etc and you can help manage her finances. If not in place, get direct debits set up for ease and do what you can to simplify her life. Good luck!

Thank you so much for the quick responses! Bit of a wake up call for me as I thought people were going to say I was getting ahead of myself and worrying unnecessarily! But it’s also reassuring to hear that my concerns are valid as my gut feeling is something is not right….

You might want to consider putting a tracker on her phone in case she starts wandering off. My mum had dementia and she started trying to walk out of the house to her childhood house to visit her (long dead) parents. My dad was there to stop her but your mum doesn't have that.

You could call Age UK and ask for an information pack.

There are medications that are appropriate in some cases. They can't cure anything but for those who respond well they can help to manage the symptoms and, to an extent, slow down the decline. However not all patients respond well to the medication and sometimes it can be difficult to persuade doctors to prescribe.

what can be done about a dementia diagnosis, are there medications?

There are a few meds, for some types of dementia (mainly Alzheimers), that help in the early stages for some people. And for some other types there are things that can help indirectly- for example small vessel vascular dementia has no targeted drug treatment; but it's a blood vessel disease, so improving general csrdiovascular health - controlling cholesterol and minimising clot risk - can help slow progression.

Even without drug treatment being available a diagnosis unlocks things like council tax discounts, and support services like physio and home adaptations to reduce falls risk.

The first thing the Dr suggested was a few blood tests to rule out non brain (and easily medicated) things that could be causing cognitive decline. I can't remember everything, but it included a dodgy thyroid. The Dr also stressed that being less than well hydrated was a common problem in causing a small degree of impairment which can compound other problems with early dementia/MCI, and that older people have less of whatever hormones that makes a person recognise thirst. He recommended scheduled drinks throughout the day, jelly, soup, ice lollies, foods with higher water content

Also UTIs (which are more common in older women) can cause confusion.

For the falls, will she consider installing grab rails? And what about physio for older people which aims to maintain balance, core strength and mobility. My parent had fallen a few times and was becoming quite unsteady. Balance improved within a few months of physio

Edited to add that we didn't wait for a diagnosis for the physio and grab rails. Obviously this is dependant on finances, but we wanted to get ahead to reduce the impact of any future issues. My biggest fear was a broken hip

Thank you for all the sensible suggestions. The physio is a great idea. I will look into it.

Prepare to be fobbed off! I have similar concerns but my sibling is totally in denial. Asked a local friend’s opinion too but nothing came of it. She can be very plausible and it’s only if you have regular longer conversations that it’s noticeable. Which isn’t something my sibling ever does.

Exactly! Other people haven’t really noticed as it is still quite subtle. I am an only child so no siblings to convince though. My husband did mention that my mum seemed a little more distracted though so he’s picked up on a change. The kids just think grandma is a bit batty, in a funny way. I think any fobbing off will come from my mum tbh….

I don't think you're wrong, but I would manage your expectations. It is extremely likely that if your mum will agree to a GP review, she will ace the cognitive examination. If she doesn't, and gets the memory clinic appointment, and goes to it (go with her if you can) then it is quite likely she will be diagnosed with minor cognitive impairment and discharged without further followup.

None of this means you are wrong to notice the change and what it could mean in the future, at all. I would still take all these actions. Just don't set your heart on a particular outcome.

The fact that you've got POA sorted is the biggest single concern sorted.

Bear in mind that a tracker on her phone really should only be with her consent if you can get it. My dp's mum tracks her whole family*, it's a huge entertainment for her, so you could introduce it by saying you're tracking your child or husband (whether you are or not).

*Not me. I won't be tracked and I'd be sympathetic to anyone who would rather die free than be tracked tbh.

DF is 90, so a fair bit older and he does now have moderate cognitive decline. However, since his working days, he has meticulously kept a diary and this is really useful. If there is something I need him to remember (like last night's dinner was a ready meal as I was out and DH is away), he writes it down. It has proven to be invaluable on many occasions, so may be worth thinking about.

Something else we have done is get him to write his memories down in a notebook (saves us listening to the same stories for the gazillionth time). When I'm particularly hacked off, I tell the end of the story before he gets there, but he does still have a great sense of humour and he normally laughs about it.

If she's had falls, is she restricting fluids to get less toilet visits? Its common for that to happen and dehydration messes with our heads.

There are medications which are supposed to slow the progress of dementia, but I’m afraid they didn’t seem to help much with my DM - just seemed to bring back the ‘nasty’ stage we thought had passed. I dare say that others have had a more positive experience, though.

My almost certainly unpopular opinion is that since there’s no cure, and dementia is only ever going to get worse, just let it take its course, and hope it doesn’t go on for 15 years, as it did with DM.

Your first point is an important one - these people can be surprisingly cunning! It's easy to hide this kind of cognitive impairment in short interactions, it's often only those closest who will notice it.

My mother had no issues with the memory test (she turned out to have vascular dementia and memory loss has only been a more minor symptom) but our GP knows me well and knows I work with old people so she trusted my judgement enough to order a brain scan. However my mother refuses to accept her diagnosis. Apparently the brain scan results must be wrong and we're all lying to her (quite why she thinks we'd do this I have no idea). Her friends all told her she seemed fine so she secretly went to a private neurologist, where she of course did not give accurate or complete information and so was told she's fine. She came home all triumphant accusing us of gaslighting her. She didn't tell him about the frightening driving, the aggression, the changed personality, the failure in fine motor skills and confusion because she doesn't accept they're happening.

However within a short time I had her friends calling me to tell me they'd started to notice things and that I need to stop her driving. She could only hide it for so long before the disease progression made it too difficult. In her case the medication has been very helpful in terms of what you call the 'nasty' stage. It's not stopping progression but it's tamed her aggression and some of the personality changes that were making her very difficult to live with. Without it I don't know if she'd have been able to continue a relationship with my children, her grandchildren.

So yes, OP, expect pushback but you know your mother so be strong and do what you need to to help her, which might include advocating for her with her GP.

My mum came top of every exam she ever did. The MOCA was no trouble to her, though she was gutted to miss two points. She was still cognitively impaired - those 2 points, in her case, were in fact meaningful.

Also my mum was so intensely distressed at the idea of a memory clinic appointment (the GP referred her because she trusted my view and concerns) that in the end we cancelled it. We did think in her case the limited benefit of meds etc wouldn't be worth it. There would have been access to support services but knowing her she would have rejected all those too.

The tracker is like anything else when it comes to dementia.

Once someone no longer is safe on their own, you have to make difficult decisions.

My cousin's father went for a walk at night in his pyjamas in a storm. They were frantically looking for him for hours.

Near us a elderly lady used to wander into the nearby woods. They often had to send out a helicopter to find her and this is in fact how she died.

I saw a case on tv of a woman who disappeared. Her family was only beginning to notice that she was becoming forgetful. She went on the bus to the next village, where her gp was, but got off at the wrong stop, took the wrong turning and walked into the countryside. The police only discovered this from cctv from a rural pub weeks later - she was miles from where she should have been. She had fallen in a field and died there.

The issue of wandering is potentially really serious for someone on their own.

You can get tracker insoles that go in their shoes or air tags for a coat pocket. It doesn't have to be on their phone.

My mum is the same took her to get bloods taken and her B12 was super low so she’s having an intensive course now and then if the issues persist she will be referred to memory clinic - she passed the basic test the doctor did like draw clock face etc