Grief over dismantling my deceased elderly parents home

[Toolea]

My dear dad died 4 months ago, three years after my mum. They were together for 53 years and devoted to each other. Artists and writers, their little home was full of books, art and beautiful objects, collected over a lifetime together. I am their only child and miss them both very much.

Dad had been in great health but, after caring for my very unwell mum for 20+ years, when she died he just went downhill and I spent the last 2 years intensely caring for him until he died at the end of January this year. I am (recently) married with a daughter (20) and a stepdaughter (19) and it was so wonderful that dad got to see us married a few months before he died but his and my mum’s deaths have left a huge hole in me. Grief over my mum’s death has resurfaced with a vengeance alongside grieving for my dad. My feelings are understandable, I know, as we had such a tight little family just the 3 of us for so long and my mum, who I loved dearly, could be wonderful but also very controlling and got (completely understandably) increasingly angry and bitter as she became older and more and more unwell. Poor dad dealt with a lot with her so it was a privilege to look after him in his final 2 years although it’s left me exhausted and quite shaken, if I’m honest.

So, now, on top of bereavement I’m having to go through their home and decide what to keep, what to sell, what to give away, give to charity and what to chuck out. There is a garage full of stuff too. And, I’ve realised that selling their flat (which we moved to when I was 16) is probably the only way forward for me - both financially and emotionally. I can’t afford to keep paying the bills for the upkeep of the flat and, after looking into renting, realise that it’s not really financially sensible after all the expenses come off the monthly rent we could get. Selling will be a much needed financial lifeline for us as my husband and I are both self employed artists and due to the cost of living crisis, no one is commissioning or buying art any more. Mum and dad have left us such a gift and I feel so lucky but it’s a finite amount of money we’ll get from their tiny flat so I have to make sure I do the right thing with it. It needs to last us into our old age and help out our daughters, too.

But it’s making me so sad and low to pack up and sell. I feel like I’m losing my past and my parents all over again. In some ways, no longer having their home on my mind might be a huge relief. Maybe I will be able to move forward with less baggage - physically and emotionally.

Why am I writing this? I think I’d really like to hear from any others on here about similar experiences with dismantling their parents homes and selling a beloved house, in order to feel less alone with this. (And, on a practical level, if anyone has any good advice about selling vs renting and what to do with a modest lump sum of cash.) None of my friends, or my husband, have been through this so, although they’re all being very lovely, they can’t really understand. I’ve had a little bit of grief counselling which was helpful to a degree, but ultimately I felt like it was taking me even deeper into sadness every time I had a session.

I’m off up to their flat again today for another few hours of sorting and my heart breaks every time I walk through their door. I wish this was all done.

Thank you for reading ❤️

Dismantling mils and fils home was one of the most emotional things Ive ever done and there were 3 of us dh muself and sil. I cried so much finding stuff she had kept.

I dread my stepdad passing as there will be his and my mothers house to do. Doing mums jewelry was hard enough let alone what was my childhood home.

We went with. Keep our memories not theirs. There is an important difference. You cant keep what was there for their memories as they are not yours. We used a modified mari kondi method. Does it make you smile? Yes - Do I need it? Yes keep.

Does it make me smile? No. Is it good enough to sell/charity shop? And divide this way.

Oh love.

Sorting my mum's house out was the worst bit. You think you've packaged up the grief but then something pops up and opens it all up. For me it was the carving knife. A wedding present that was used every Sunday and every Christmas for slicing the roast.

Even now I have about 20 boxes of stuff in my loft that hasn't been touched in 4 years.

Might be worth asking a friend to come and help you? They can be supportive as well as objective - sadly you can't keep everything, and selling will give you financial freedom (even if emotionally it's a wrench)

It was also about saying goodbye to my family home of 40 years. So many memories.

Take care of yourself op. It's not an easy task.

I have done this and was very clear on what were their memories and what were mine. So I kept my childhood photos and nice photos of them, and ditched everything else.

Do impersonal stuff first, like China, cutlery, kitchen stuff, bedding. Books can be a halfway house. Once I’d got rid of impersonal stuff, I had piles that were, get rid, keep, and keep for now, but look at later. This has helped, but it has been a slow process.

I have done this and was very clear on what were their memories and what were mine. So I kept my childhood photos and nice photos of them, and ditched everything else.

Do impersonal stuff first, like China, cutlery, kitchen stuff, bedding. Books can be a halfway house. Once I’d got rid of impersonal stuff, I had piles that were, get rid, keep, and keep for now, but look at later. This has helped, but it has been a slow process.

I had to do the same and I understand how difficult it is. I remember men from the local hospice coming to take away the last bits of furniture. I was watching almost in tears and they were so kind and told me how much the donation would help other people. I don't think I really grieved until I had done all the hard work of sorting the house. My long term response is not to leave as much as that for my own daughter to do and get rid of things I don't need in advance. That's difficult too.

Sending good wishes @Toolea

I'm not in exactly the same situation in that I don't have a house to sell yet, but my mum died recently and I now look after my dad with Alzheimers 3 days a week in the home he shared with my mum.

Im trying to clear out a bit, very slowly. But I find it very hard to constantly see her things around. They had a lot of things that are no longer needed and need to go.

I can so relate to your comment about your heart sinking every time you walk through the door. I feel the dread from the night before I visit.

Good luck with everything, and let us know how you're doing xx

I totally understand what you are dealing with but it will probably be best if you rip the plaster off and just get it done.

for context, I emigrated after uni and was living thousands of miles away. I had one evening to sort through my parents stuff when my mum moved into a nursing home. The next day virtually everything that was left was auctioned off. I had half an hour to clear the rest of her belongings after she died.

Altogether I was able to take 6 suitcases worth. Which seems a lot, but represents just a fraction of the belongings they accumulated over a lifetime. And now, as my husband and I are downsizing, I am having to get rid of more of their things.

it is what it is. Accept that it will be painful, and that you may choose the ‘wrong’ things to keep. But there will come a time where it won’t hurt so much, so try and focus on that.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was ‘lucky’ that I have two brothers, so wasn’t alone sorting everything out, although one brother didn’t live locally and found it incredibly difficult going to the house anyway.
I still have boxes of things to go through that I just couldn’t bring myself to part with at the time. They’re ’for another time’. Like @OhmygodthepainI too kept the carving knife that my dad would use for the Sunday roast! It still makes me smile when I catch sight of it in the cutlery drawer.
Of course you can’t keep paying bills for an empty flat but I’d say to do things as and when you feel you can manage it. If you feel like you can manage hours there sorting then that’s fine but if after half an hour it’s too much then walk away for a bit.
It’s a horrible time, that’s for sure

I’m sorry for your loss but I hope in time your good memories will sustain you.

in addition to the excellent practical advice above. Try and take photos of rooms and possessions, especially ones you decide to sell or donate. You then have some photographic mementos even if you don’t have them physically.

I just wanted to say how beautifully you write of your parents and your family relationship. Be gentle with yourself and remember what a caring and nurturing family you grew up in. As you go, just remember that your parents’ real legacy was love (and love of the arts) so they wouldn’t want you to feel stressed and bogged down by “stuff”. I’ve had to downsize massively myself and I now have one bookcase (Ikea Billy!) with sentimental items on it. It’s very random and I add bits as I unpack. Could you do something like this (in time)? Would others like to choose an item as a keepsake? I know there’s a mountain of other work to do - as others have said, charities (such as BHF) are good for house clearance. For me, I had about three charity shops I donated to and built up a little rapport with staff. Some also have branches specialising in art and vintage. Your family sounds lovely and I’m sure they will be a help and support. If there’s time, tell the object’s story - I had kept a set of fairy lights an ex had bought for me and strung on the tree as a surprise when I couldn’t afford them. I told my adult son as he was helping, he said “that’s lovely mum” took a photo, forwarded to me and out they went! I watched the Swedish death cleaning programme and a woman had a “quilt room” but it was cluttered with other items. They said, but nobody knows the quilts’ stories! She wrote the history (there were two), they had the quilt cleaned and packed in boxes with the letters which then went to two younger relatives.
Finally, don’t consider renting, I think it will break your heart. You will have to make sure the flat is up to the high specs for regulations (no reflection on the flat, needs to be much higher than for ownership) and will have to be very dispassionate. Tenants may not treat it the same as you (not saying they’re bad - I speak as a tenant myself).
Good luck.

Could you just go in and take e.g. the top X items that mean the most to you and you have room for and then get a house clearance company in to clear the rest. It would be quicker so you could get the flat sold faster and a lot less painful for you.

My parents had lived in their 3 bed semi for over 50 years , likewise I was an only child .
At the moment your emotions and grief are all wrapped up in their belongings and the building which is completely normal .
If they were like mine , they had boxes and boxes of paperwork . The majority of it I shreaded ( we are talking 10 years of bank statements / investments / receipts etc )

Yes you will have to go through recent stuff but don't get bogged down in it ( you can also get it professionally shreaded as well .

Books are a problem , most are not worth passing to charity as old unless they had first prints which book sellers will be interested .

Furniture no-one is interested , charity won't take if it hasn't got the fire safe labels and dark antique furniture doesn't sell either .

All linens , bedding etc , went to recycling , towels animal rehoming places .

The antique nick nacs/ ornaments I kept but in honesty they went in my loft and are still there many years later . So be ruthless what you bring home .

My mum's jewellery I kept , but again they just lay in the box unworn by me .

Kitchen equipment , some to charity shop , and also tip .

Lots of stuff to tip . Lots of stuff in black bags and put down the side of the house .
Made sure I was around on bin day , and bribed the bin men with money to collect .

Photo albums , oh the photos albums (!) parents never wrote names or places so didn't know where / who they were . I had to be ruthless , most were binned .
Kept family ones , put in new albums , but again they are stored in boxes in the loft , so advice is keep for now but he ruthless in a few years and then get rid .

I kept diaries and notepads with their writing in but a few years later got rid ( although found a place to send diaries as people's accounts of life were being archived , if it's still happening Google it )

The house took about 3/4 months to sell . The week before went around to say goodbye to the house , took photos , had a cry over the memories of Christmases , sat on the back doorstep with memories of sitting there with my mum and shelling peas and of playing in the back garden . All the happy memories of a childhood knowing it's only known by me now as those that shared it are now gone .

I won't lie , it's a hard job and if you can't do it , then you can get professionals in but I found it as almost a healing thing , it's final , you are shutting the door ( literally ) on a lifetime . It's an end of an era .
But in time your loss becomes easier to accept and it's true that life goes on , but in a different way . Take care .

Sorry for the long post .

I haven't had to do this yet, but when parents have been in the same house for 40 plus years it must be like pulling up your roots (especially as an only as I am, you're the last thing left-the house is almost like a sibling- I'm crying now!)
When you have grown up in a house, every little thing is familiar and part of you, even the worn carpet, light switches! But you're right, hopefully you will feel lighter and free once it is done. Sending you strength and unmumsnetty hugs.
I think the photograph idea is a good one, you don't necessarily need the objects but a photo of the memory will comfort you

I’ve done it twice, once for my dad and once for my MIL. I have to agree, it’s a really awful job.

Is there anyone who can help you? It definitely makes it a bit easier with someone else there. The other thing is to do it in stages. Make a plan. You don’t have to do it all in one go. Give yourself some rest and recovery days in between.

I’m so sorry for you loss. ❤️

My father passed away monday 10 months after my mother and he cared for my mam as she had dementia and dad was diagnosed with cancer just 6 weeks ago . Very sad . Married 55 years so like u all a lot of things to sort thru . We are trying not to be too sentimental. I have 2 brothers and the 1 is buying house and my daughter is goin to rent it so we lucky it’s bein left in the family . Thoughts with u all as it’s a very upsetting thing to have to do

I’m really sorry for your loss. It’s very hard when you’ve no siblings to help distribute the load.

when my parents died, my sibling and I just took what we wanted from their house and got house clearance people come in and take everything else away before we put it on the market. The cost of this came from the estate. Much less emotionally wrenching and time consuming. Could this be an option for you?

sending you best wishes. 💐

I agree with @IleftmybaginNewportPagnell - do not rent out the house. Being a landlord comes with a lot of responsibilities and hassle and is rarely more profitable than investing in S&S ISAs.

My brother and I did this last year for the house our parents had lived in for nearly seventy years and it's so hard. Echoing others, make a distinction between their memories and yours - I kept photos of us as children but not the ones of just our parents' holidays. My children took pictures of a lot of things and made a photo book for all the close family which was very touching and is a lovely 'new' memory.

Take your time. It's a painful but bittersweet process.
I couldn't make all the decisions at once so ended up bringing a lot to my house and have gradually sorted certain things out.
DH and I had to empty his parents house which was 3 hours drive away - that wasn't fun.
Be kind to yourself.
I rented out my Mum's house but it hadn't been our family home. In your shoes I would empty the flat, tidy it up and sell it.
Use the money to pay off your own mortgage if you have one.

I feel for you as I had to do this after my father died and somehow he had been left with boxes of stuff from other family members who had died before him.
Absolutely the best advice on this thread is to make decisions based on YOUR memories and not your parents memories. I found myself going through old holiday photos of theirs with people I'd never met and thinking 'I can let these go, because I have no emotional attachment to them'.
Taking photos of things helps preserve the memories - you don't need the physical item.

Do you have any friends who would help? I did it all on my own, and having someone who could even just arrange/ drop stuff at the charity shops would have been so helpful.

Some very poignant and touching posts on this thread that speak of love, affection and precious shared memories. No parents here, and circumstances meant I have never had to deal with this situation, but I am taking it as a timely reminder to start dismantling and sifting through the detritus of my own life so that others don’t have to.

The post about a simple object carrying so much memory weight , ( a carving knife) , reminded me of a dear relatives death, I was asked by her children if I would like mementoes and asked for her rolling pin, it had been one of her wedding presents and used by her for nearly sixty years. Turned out about five people had also asked for her rolling pin, and it didn’t end up coming to me.

If a civilisation can be represented by objects, so can a life, and it isn’t always the big valuable possessions that hold that power.

Can’t emphasise this enough:

We went with. Keep our memories not theirs. There is an important difference. You cant keep what was there for their memories as they are not yours.

this is such an important emotional boundary and not one that my family ever taught at all. They loved the idea of giving stuff on regardless of how much space we had and it causes a lot of guilt.

I wondered if you really love it at this flat and you’re not tied to location, is there any way of quietly renting your current place out and seeing how you (and your family if your SDs live at home) get on living at your parents for a bit?

i took 300 photos which helped me

Try to get your family to help, it's so hard both emotionally and physically.
You can get a house clearance company to deal with it ultimately, if there are any valuables you could get an auctioneer to value them separately. Even old fashioned brown furniture can go in an auction. Charities will collect furniture if it's got fire labels, local authorities take the unsellable for disposal at a small cost. Can you delegate those tasks to a family member?
Get a skip as well for all the rubbish, easier then multiple tip trips.
Take a few precious things to keep, and sell/ chuck the rest. The thing to remember is that now they are gone it's all just stuff really, it's time to let it go. It's wonderful that it was such a happy house with so much love. You can take all the happy memories with you, they are important, not the stuff.
You could use the money from the sale to pay off your mortgage if you have one, or help your children with a deposit, buy a boat or a caravan or a business, put it in your pension even, start a charity or a prize in their memory (would a school art prize be suitable?). Just get it cleared as soon as you can, so it's no longer weighing on you.

Sorry for your losses. It’s so hard to go through all this.

i couldn’t and just decided what i had to keep and let houseclearance deal with the rest. The good specialist firms will sort for charity, auction etc and it stops everything being a heartbreaking decision.