Grief over dismantling my deceased elderly parents home

[Toolea]

My dear dad died 4 months ago, three years after my mum. They were together for 53 years and devoted to each other. Artists and writers, their little home was full of books, art and beautiful objects, collected over a lifetime together. I am their only child and miss them both very much.

Dad had been in great health but, after caring for my very unwell mum for 20+ years, when she died he just went downhill and I spent the last 2 years intensely caring for him until he died at the end of January this year. I am (recently) married with a daughter (20) and a stepdaughter (19) and it was so wonderful that dad got to see us married a few months before he died but his and my mum’s deaths have left a huge hole in me. Grief over my mum’s death has resurfaced with a vengeance alongside grieving for my dad. My feelings are understandable, I know, as we had such a tight little family just the 3 of us for so long and my mum, who I loved dearly, could be wonderful but also very controlling and got (completely understandably) increasingly angry and bitter as she became older and more and more unwell. Poor dad dealt with a lot with her so it was a privilege to look after him in his final 2 years although it’s left me exhausted and quite shaken, if I’m honest.

So, now, on top of bereavement I’m having to go through their home and decide what to keep, what to sell, what to give away, give to charity and what to chuck out. There is a garage full of stuff too. And, I’ve realised that selling their flat (which we moved to when I was 16) is probably the only way forward for me - both financially and emotionally. I can’t afford to keep paying the bills for the upkeep of the flat and, after looking into renting, realise that it’s not really financially sensible after all the expenses come off the monthly rent we could get. Selling will be a much needed financial lifeline for us as my husband and I are both self employed artists and due to the cost of living crisis, no one is commissioning or buying art any more. Mum and dad have left us such a gift and I feel so lucky but it’s a finite amount of money we’ll get from their tiny flat so I have to make sure I do the right thing with it. It needs to last us into our old age and help out our daughters, too.

But it’s making me so sad and low to pack up and sell. I feel like I’m losing my past and my parents all over again. In some ways, no longer having their home on my mind might be a huge relief. Maybe I will be able to move forward with less baggage - physically and emotionally.

Why am I writing this? I think I’d really like to hear from any others on here about similar experiences with dismantling their parents homes and selling a beloved house, in order to feel less alone with this. (And, on a practical level, if anyone has any good advice about selling vs renting and what to do with a modest lump sum of cash.) None of my friends, or my husband, have been through this so, although they’re all being very lovely, they can’t really understand. I’ve had a little bit of grief counselling which was helpful to a degree, but ultimately I felt like it was taking me even deeper into sadness every time I had a session.

I’m off up to their flat again today for another few hours of sorting and my heart breaks every time I walk through their door. I wish this was all done.

Thank you for reading ❤️

Hugs OP. That’s very understandable that this is extremely challenging trying to sort the material things out when it sounds like your parents have intentionally or not, perhaps made everything of theirs feel as though it should be emotionally significant to you. Because it was emotionally significant to them. Perhaps we’re also talking about large numbers of artworks they have made themselves, which you now need to decide what to do with, which adds an extra layer of complexity? That is kind of the absolute ultimate example of trying to find the line between what was important to them vs what is now important to me.

You probably don’t need us to say that the attitude of parents who model to their families that eg every possession or creative product of theirs is precious, ultimately isn’t a very healthy one. None of that helps you to have developed your own sense of your preferences, your likes and dislikes in life in general, which a a serious disbenefit to you. It makes decision making much harder for you and it leads to you expect your own boundaries to be less important than other people’s. Ultimately it’s not good emotional safeguarding. This is not helpful for you working in a creative profession either because you need to have confidence and conviction in whatever your own vision is.

But your parents loved you deeply and because of that ultimately they would want you to recognise your own vision and style as being very distinct to theirs. Your work, your taste, your eye. You are not ‘from the studio of’ them. You’re your own separate person. And as much as you want to honour their creative vision, it’s right and proper for you to recognise that their life is distinct to your own. Then logically it then follows that not all (or any) parts of their archive or household possessions will be precious to you and need keeping by you unless they have positive associations for you. And the same consideration goes for everyone else that you or any of us will in turn pass our things on to. I’m not saying just get a skip or have a random bonfire, some things of your parents can go to charity and help others etc. if there’s a market for them it’s also OK to sell some pieces and make money for your own future and family security. Give a few pieces to a public gallery or library if your parents were big names professionally or they have things from peers who are. Give their papers to a public archive, if your parents’ writing or art is going to be researched by students in future and then someone else will catalogue the papers and keep them perfectly preserved. That’s being very respectful of what they made.

Your respect for them doesn’t have to be you making a personal museum of their things to the detriment of your own life though, even if they weren’t public enough with their art so that you can get a public body to take on some of it. Do not end up the sole keeper of someone else’s creative flame unless you absolutely love it. You first and foremost need to support and love yourself here. You have a private relationship with them as your parents, as well (only if you really want!) taking on a professional custodian type one to their work. The latter requires a lot of practical and emotional resources, time, money that you might not have available.

I understand the feelings you mention of not knowing where the boundaries are between you as three people, you as the child, especially while in the depths of grief. That’s a very natural feeling to feel, part of the processing.

But I hope that you can can gather some support to do this current task of flat clearing if it’s not possible for you to base yourself there for a while and do it all quite slowly. I would recommend finding some more talking therapy especially if you do need to do it mostly alone. Best of luck, this is such a hard thing to do especially if you’re trying to take on multiple roles at the same time here. You’re allowed to be a bereaved adult child first though, not a professional conservator for two archives though. My apologies if I have misread your situation. I’m sorry for your loss.

Sorry !

OP your post is very moving.
I recently watched the series ‘Swedish Death Cleaning’. They helped a young man that had moved the entire contents of his parents’ home into his basement as he didn’t think he could/should part with any of them.
Might be helpful to watch. I think you might need friends to help you. I agree with previous posters that say deal with the easiest stuff first.

I am sorry for your losses, OP. 💐

It's hard to leave a place of such familiarity and happiness. I agree with a PP who advised taking some nice photos of the house and garden; I did this; they are quite sad photos (my children were very young when my parents died and one of the photos is a lovely little wooden swing they had hung in a tree for our children). I did not grow up there but my great aunt and uncle lived there before my mum and dad so I had known the house since I was a young child. My parents did not get to see their 4 grandchildren grow up but I will always be grateful they they got to meet them and died knowing that we had our own families to focus on.

We rented my parents house for about a year then decided to sell it. Invested the money from the house sale into our own homes. My mums advise was to 'pay of your mortgages, have nice things and nice holidays.' So we did that.

It is a tough thing to do but it is the last thing that you must do for them. Live your life in their honour and always keep in the forefront of your mind that they want you and your family to be happy. This thought still helps me now, 15 years on.

I can’t tell you how helpful your words are @SocialEvent You’ve hit the nail on the head. This particularly resonated with me:
“You are not ‘from the studio of’ them. You’re your own separate person. And as much as you want to honour their creative vision, it’s right and proper for you to recognise that their life is distinct to your own.”
In just a few words you’ve managed to get to the core of a major issue for me. Not just regarding their creative work but the boundaries between them and me. In truth, mainly the boundary between my mum and I. She was an astonishing woman, endlessly creative, a writer, an artist - a real polymath. But she was increasingly frustrated and bitter that her writing career was cut short by her long term terrible ill health as well as what I think she regarded as having devoted her life to her husband and child instead of her own creativity. (She once said to me, in a very offhand comment, that had things been different she probably wouldn’t have had a child. “Things” being societal expectations in the 70s I guess. But even though I was an adult when she said this it really hurt. Sometimes she didn’t have a filter and her wit was waspish to say the least.) Even so, she was the warmest, most loving, most encouraging and incredibly imaginative mother to me when I was young. Things changed and got harder when I reached the teen years and beyond - I guess this is when I started saying “no” occasionally! I really think she struggled to see me as distinct from herself and, as I got older and ultimately became an adult, she took it hard. She did the same thing with my daughter, her granddaughter, too, although to a lesser extent. Sorry, I’ve gone off piste here a bit.

Thank you for the excellent idea about contacting an archive. That’s really helpful. I have now inherited a ton of box files containing her writing and I just can’t keep it all. I have most of it on my computer but the thought of throwing out her physical work makes me feel ill. And, as to my father’s photographs, we are going to have an exhibition later in the year to honour him. Again, I have a ton of his photos, framed and unframed, to find homes for. I’ve also inherited a huge collection of “exquisite” objects that mum collected - so many of which have emotional, visceral memories for me. Sometimes something as small as a little tin brooch from a birthday party of mine to a beautiful sweet wrapper that I remember us flattening out together, to our old cat’s collar - all cherished memories that she kept. Someone else on here said that her husband had to handle every one of his parent’s possessions as he sorted through them and I really get that. It’s what I’m doing now - I have to look at everything, hold everything. But it’s taking it’s toll on me.

Gosh, sorry, this reply has grown legs. Thank you, again - what you said has been so incredibly helpful. Thank you for taking the time to reply to my original post with such thoughtfulness. I can tell you have much experience in this realm. X

Toolea, so sorry that you are in the thick of these bereavements right now. And the same to everyone else in this situation as well. Wishing you all the best.

I can relate to much of what you’ve said about your experiences growing up. I think that close and complex relationships can only make bereavements just as complex to process, so the feelings that this clearing and sorting out are bringing up for you are not off piste at all.

We’re all just thinking out loud on here and so thank you for the thread because your experience it has helped me to think about this area too. X

I found it hugely difficult to clear my parents house and seeing their things for sale in the charity shop made my heart miss a beat. I took lots of photos of items that were given to charity. Very nice to keep smooch although I've hardly looked at them I know they are there.

One thing that comforts me is that I was once with my dad in a charity shop when he found something that he was very excited and delighted to have found. That item was still on display on a shelf and it always reminds me of the day he discovered it and how excited he was.

I like to think that maybe some of the things now being donated will give other people the same joy they once gave my parents.

aw thats lovelyy. my mum was a nurse too x

around five years before my mum died I developed very severe mental illness rooted in childhood trauma. I lost my whole life and even my sense of being my identity. I advent been able to go back to the house - not fro the usual reasons - but becasue I cant bear to see photographs or memories of the old me and who I was before. I feel like I died.

Sorry for the loss of your parents

I have been through this as an only child

My parents also had many Items that belonged to other relatives

I recommend;

Taking photos

Remind yourself that you cannot keep everything physical item

Items to keep yourself

Items to give to charity

Items to give to family or friends

Items to sell at auction, online, car boot

Items for rubbish

Items to keep while you decide what to do with them

Get 3 valuations on the property, clear, clean ready to sell

Suggest
Look at Tools For a Mission for Items that they can reuse
Garden tools
DIY
Sewing machines & items
Old glasses
Old stamps
Material

Good luck